Just waiting to die

Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards.

This is amazing, because this is exactly how I’ve felt and reasoned for many years now, and at least some form of this my whole life. It’s good to know there are others. Misery doesn’t mind company i guess, love is too strong of a word. I feel nothing, and having a bigger family (through sister’s marriage) means nothing to me the same as fraternities, clubs and other social groupings meant nothing to me in school. Here is a small sample from what I wrote before: “I’ve had enough, and an extra day, month or 60 years are not going to bring me more satisfaction. Everything here is in the realm of the senses, and what remains is thought, so if I haven’t found lasting satisfaction yet, having more of those sense and mental experiences isn’t going to bring me closer.

“I am living by ‘inertia’, trying to be a good person in the meantime. The causes that have created this person have not yet been exhausted”

…you get the picture…What’s even worse is that I don’t think I really want to change. Having no fear is a good thing, and delighting in aging, as if it’s graduation that’s approaching, versus fearing aging and death’s approach is also good.

Hello. I too have lost the lust for life. I exsist only because of the furry four legged friends I have. I have been in love twice. The last being 13 years ago. I have taken care of my deceased grandfather and grandmother in thier homes. I now take care of my mother who is in the endstages of emphysemia. I do not take any kinds of depression meds. Instead my drug of choice is alcohol. I will be honest here since all of you will have no bias. I recieve little or no help from my family. I now also have my 1st stepfather living with us along with my 2nd stepfather who is married to my mother. I have just recently recieved my 2nd DUI. I have gained 100 lbs in the last 8 years. My father (the real one died when I was 9) . I still continue to drink 2 to 3 times a week. I am a veterinary technician I quit my job last year to go to school as a medical coder. I will get my certificate next month. I still have some bestfriends, although I have burned many bridges. I know I must quit drinking and loose the weight but I no longer have the desire or the drive to do it. I am 42 years old with no chance of having any children let alone a husband. As I have isolated my self from making any human relationships. I keep to my safe zone. I now work part time as a dental assistant and with a dog breeder. I now just wait for life to end. The only reason I get up is because of my dogs, horses and cat. I have never been a people person. Hell I only touch my mother when I have to bathe her or change her clothes, while she always reaches out to me for the touch. The Touch.
I crave for love and someone to care and touch me but I know my weight gain is a wall to prevent this. I am in tears now because I am telling you this because you are all anonomous. My heart is heavy. Apparently I am not supposed to feel. I recently had a pet of mine pass away.. Granted he was just an iguana, but everyone said ” He was just a lizard”. But I still felt and everyone thought I should’nt have. Know why?? because I have everything so bottled up I let some of it go when he died. There is alot more.
I don’t believe in antidepressent drugs. I do know that I must walk. Just like Ceasar Milan the dog whisperer. These crazy dogs are so cooped up they go nuts.. all they need or anyone needs is a good long walk. I walk with the dogs mostly, sometimes, never with a person. Don’t like people much, don’t trust them either. been hurt too much by them. GIVE ME A DOG ANYDAY!!
They love you unconditionally as any animal would.

Still love to grow things can’t wait to get into the garden.
Would have loved to marry and have kids now its too late
Who would be interested in me the way I am right now???
Its too late for everything for me isn’t it???

well thats it for now. I feel pretty shitty.

a poem from my grandmothers cookbook I found. I am going to try to use it

a new day. This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is very important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomarrow comes this day will be gone forever, leaving something in its place. I have traded for it… I want it to be gain, not loss.. Good, not evil…Success, not failure, inorder that I shall not forget the price I paid for it. Author unknown

your not the only guy to feel like this.im 36 living in AUSTRALIA,ive had deppression for most of my life,from being picked on at school, to having a wife that would slash her wrist every time we had a fight.
i would stay at work as long as possible so i would not come home to a body in the bathtub.overdoses and slashing wrists were common.
had to quit my job as a manager on a farm , after 6 months of spewing and shitting my guts out every day.dozen of blood test and other test revealed nothing.
these were syptoms i went through before my nervous breakdown.
just want to die and get it over with.im on efexor xr 150mg daily.

I also wait..my depression is caused by so many things most is from panic attacks. I am house bound from them. My parents pay for me I rarily have worked in my life. They do not read about my disorder to try to understand it more (the panic attacks) they just want me on pills which i have tried. I am 30 by the way.

I once asked my mom why she won’t atleast go on the computer and read about my illness..she said “because when i get home from work i just want to drink my bottled water and rest”

i feels so many conflicting feelings..i need their money to stay alive .. but if I was well i don’t think i would have been bothered with them all these years..besides money they havent been very helpful or understanding.

my mom recently when we were fighting over my illness yet again said “you aren’t sick you are a lazy bastard” i know it was said during a fight but it still bothers me.

I feel very trapped in a circle with them, my illness and what to do. I have suffered from this since i was 15.

thanks for listening.

I typed the title of this page into search for the hell of it since it’s the feeling I frequently experience. I’ve tried so many anti-depressant meds I can’t remember half of them any more.

I was on Prozac for several years. It worked tremendously for a while then I’d have a major collapse. Upping the dose would correct it in a couple days, I’d be good for another several months (NO depression at all!) then the cycle would repeat. The doctor I was seeing at the time eventually added an augment when I reached absolute maximum on the Prozac: Welbutrin. Same cycle continued for another year or two… fantastic functioning for some time, depression recurring, increased dosage returning me to “sea level.” It was like being a junkie, but it DID allow me to feel alive and function at the level I like to part of the time.

Eventually, taking a maximum dose of Prozac and Welbutrin daily, I took one day’s dose a bit late, the next day’s first thing the following morning and suffered a grand mal seizure while riding my motorcycle, just wonderful.

The physician I was seeing died and I went through several after that. One moved out of state, another I characterize as running a ‘dog hospital’, her main focus being behavioral disorders… client base being mostly bad kids, alcoholics, etc.

I started seeing yet another at someone else’s recommendation. I took a couple days out of work some time back due to severe symptoms and asked him for a note to cover me. He refused by saying “Why, because YOU say so?” What a f-in’ quack, how the Hell else could he know what I’m going through?! Many patients operate under the fantasy that their doctor is omnicient, this friggin’ shrink thinks HE is!

I’m stuck with this solipsistic egomaniac for the time being in order to continue using him as my ‘connection’ for Cymbalta… it doesn’t help that much, but it seems to prevent sinking completely into the abyss at least. The prospect of trying to find another, more qualified clinician is just too daunting to face at this time.

I’m 19, not of ‘sound’ mind and I’m just waiting. Days blur into weeks, weeks blur into months and so on. I’ve never taken anti-depressants, nor do I intend to, but what do I know in taking care of myself, or those around me; I’m 19, right? I’ve experienced brief moments of happiness—they never seem genuine. Neither do my moments of complete and utter despair, for similar reasons. My eyes serve as a lens that my mind barely controls; I’m an observer of my own life/liminal waiting room. One elaborate doctors lounge where nothing changes, nothing excites and the doctor never seems to deliver anything useful. My body is progressively dying. There is talk of M.S., but that’s all inconclusive. There is so much around me to see (this is the want of hope in me, I guess) that I obviously don’t. Other people see it, why can’t I? Perhaps I do. Perhaps there is just a giant void that the ‘normal’ choose to ignore and I don’t. I have an exam tomorrow. I’m a theatre student. This may be the problem. I’ve often thought that genuine acting is a form of glorified schizophrenia. Yet all I want to do right now is escape. I’ve already tried to persuade friends to share a bottle of brandy or take a tent out of town with me tonight. It doesn’t matter if I pass this exam; it’s just a painful interlude in my week. I’ll have forgotten all about it the day after: one meaningless day after another. Somehow I have the ability to excite others, yet I can’t excite myself. Everything people see of me is a flashy facade. Only the dregs of my thoughts verbalize themself, but hey… there’s words explained in an inarticulate nutshell. Religion is purely fictitious, a child’s bedtime story gone awry. I’ve witnessed my parents gradually lose the desire to think freely and adopt everyone else’s opinions. Granted, I’ve only known them for 19 years. They’re devout Presbyterians. They seem happy. I never wanted their kind of happiness. There isn’t anything or anyone that I can honestly say I’m attached to. I have lots of what would be deemed ‘friends’ (Although I’m not sure by whom); I am an attractive engaging person and I have a little of the innocence of youth on my side- YET… I’M BORED. I’M SO SO BORED. I don’t wish death upon myself, yet, but I need something. Perhaps I should get a dog…

I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. I’m writing it almost two years after the original posting.

I’m a 27 year old artist and I havn’t painted, written or created anything worth while in the past 12 months. I have been obsessed with art, philosophy and science my entire life, but as of the last year I’ve found I have lost my passion for everything excluding my misanthropic distain for people, which has evolved into a ever growning state of nightmarish disbelief. I have severed contact with friends and family for no better reason than I could’nt be bothered. I destroy opportunities and continually self sabotage because starting anything new seems completly futile.
I have always been somewhat depressed, but have avoided medication out of fear of the side effects rendering me unproductive. Ironically it seems being unmedicated has left me in the same state.

I don’t know what has happened that’s left me so paralised. There is a condition I have read about, I can’t recall it’s clinical name, but it derived from an experiment that was conducted where they took three groups of people and exposed them all to three different series of photographs depicting tooth decay in three different stages. Group one where shown the image’s of clean healthy teeth and the following reseach revealed that they continued their own dental heigene much the same as they did before they saw the photographs. Group two where shown photographs of mildly decayed teeth and their follow up studies showed they too continued brushing much the same as pre exposure to the images, which brings us to group three. Group three where shown photographs of horribly decayed, disfigured teeth and mouths. Apparently upon the subsequent follow up research, they found a certain percentage of group three stoped brushing their teeth all together. They just gave up. That faced with something that seemed so inevitable, they just quit.

I feel that this is somehow related this topic. At least to my experience of it. Maybe at the base of everyone’s problem here is not that they’re just waiting to die, but are actually afraid to die and are paralised by the idea?

“How about afraid to live, afraid of the emptiness of it all?”

Meaning doesn’t exist within the universe, the universe is impartial, it doesn’t care if you live or die, if your happy or sad, if your in pain or not, Humans create meaning because they’re afraid of the alternative. They make plans as if they’re going to live forever. They have DVD collections pretending there’s enough time in their life to necessitate owning thousands of hours of video. Don’t be afraid of the emptiness of it all, that’s the reassuring part. That’s the proof that there is no god, and when you die it will be like it was before you where born and when you go to sleep every night and don’t dream. Nothingness.

“I look at many, if not most of these rituals as mindless convention or force of habit… but if dispensed with, what does one replace them with?”

I guess that’s when you invent your own rituals, if you must.

I think people who aren’t content with partaking in social norms, and therefore feel cut off from society can still develop some semblance of their own “meaning”, even if that answer is that there is no meaning. History is awash with outsider figures.

I find reading literature from like minded people comforting when I can’t find anyone tangible who seems to share any of my feelings.

Afraid to live, afraid to die? Maybe the word here is fear. Fear that you might get something you like and then lose it. Yeah, I agree, there doesn’t seem to be any point. The only thing I do is search out what I consider to be beautiful and lovely and just appreciate that for whatever merit it has. No expectations, no fear of losing the beauty after I’ve found it, but just cherishing it in the moment. Every time I notice I’m feeling way down, I force myself to look for something beautiful and l smile, at least for a little while. This way, at least while I’m waiting to die, I’ve had some enjoyment along the way.

Hmmm, my thoughts are a little different but truly related. I just came from a hypnosis session and afterwards realized that I have been only going through the motions of living because I’m waiting to die. My mother became hospitalized when I was six and for eight years she was dying and we knew it. I just now realized that I’ve been viewing life that way. I am actually sitting here numb because I don’t know what is next for me. I have suffered from depression most of my life and I am now 50. The only times I was really feeling joy was when I went on a no wheat, dairy, alcohol or sugar diet. By ten weeks I was connecting with everyone and everything on earth. All the answers were crystal clear. I would wake up in the morning and know exactly what my path was going to be and I was passionate every minute of the day. Everything I needed would just come into my life or I would create it out of what I already had. It was amazing. But each time I got to that amazing place, something would trigger me to eat off of my diet and I would crash back into not knowing what my path was and not feeling passionate about anything. On the diet it usually took me two weeks to start feeling anything and it was exactly two weeks when the twin towers were hit by the terrorists. I felt the pain of all of it. I was so grateful to be feeling such sadness and not have to just fake it. I have missed out on so much feeling in my life. My son suffers from the same thing. He came home from college hoping to ‘feel’ the foliage like he did when he was a child but he didn’t feel it. He is a very artistic person, a wonderful writer like so many of you, and he is so sad to know that he is missing life the way many people experience it. He is trying aderall but I think that it doesn’t allow him to feel his passion.

I have recently discovered that my thyroid is low, even though the tests are normal. there is a website called ‘stop the madness’ that is a patient to patient website with many people who were depressed and sick that are getting better with thyroid meds. it is worth checking out. many people these days have low thyroid because our food chain is so defunct of nutrients. it is worth checking out. if you want to try the diet route stick with meats (no processed like deli), vegees, brown rice, quinoa. try it for a couple of weeks, you’ll know by then if it is going to work. the first two weeks are a killer, expect to spend lots of down time. don’t take anything seriously unless you have a counselor or energy worker to help you through the old ghosts that pop up. just say this is not real and it will go away. forget about dairy for now. on the sixth day that i gave up dairy, i jumped out of bed and started to organize my closet. the energy was amazing. i immediately said, ‘so this is how normal people think.’

thanks for your comments.

it is incredible how i relate to these people. I too have had chronic depression and anxiety a condition which has worsened since my mother passed away. now iam totally digusted by life and really want to die. i am not muself anymore and i used to like me. i have to end this eventually, it isjust too painful. i also spent 2 yrs in my room 20 yrs ago but believe or not never made a suicide attempt.but came out of it i saw what i can accomplish when i feel ok. Now i just want to exit. You people who have never suffered from depression do not know how fortunate you are. My only source of well-being my mom has passed away at 59 and i am so fed up with this stinkin life.my moms unconditional love had come a long way for me and did have powerful healing power. I have tried meds, psychotherapy, cognitive behaviurial therapy and nothing. I despise those who pass judgement on us. I am just destined for bad luck over and over again. Some say accwpt it how ridiculous is that how can u accept being tortured day in and day out. Here is my suggestion it’s not worthed u try and try hard and after that if depression persists then sayonarra.

i have a plan and date and the time has come, it is not humane to live like this. ironically i respect myself too much to live like this.

conventional medicine what a joke, can u feel the anger

we will never be cured, my healer is gone and soon so will i

thx
bless u all

Hi everyone,
finally I felt I’m not alone after reading countless post in here. I’m a 31 year old male still single., and been suffering for 13 years now from manic depression Im taking 12mg Nozenan 3x a week and 1mg of Flouanxol daily.As my 6th psychiatrist’s advise Ill be taking meds for the rest of my life.
I’ve also committed suicide before by lying on a kitchen knife and stuck my abdomen area 3x., and also slit my wrists..
after 4 days and 4 nights of not being able to sleep , this was the effect on me of being in a stressful job and simultaneously trying to accomplish two more things at the same time.
I remember during highschool there was no trace of me having a mental illness like these.But what i notice on myself then and there was my inability to be happy i was always anxious of my actions and how my thoughts are goin on.Ive tried to be good in every way and in evrything i do but there is always adrawback into these, I never really do things that i wanted to do much more figure out what activity should i do, its like living on a dream like state or wild fantasy.
I guess I had with me my illness since chilhood but only surfaced when the moment comes that I had to lived the harsh realities of life.
I’ve always been a cry baby even when it comes to relationships trying to fight it off by hurting my partners feeling without provocation because as my thinking goes it will never amount to anything. I was raised with a nanny who i believe influences me to behave and think this way because i was always been living in fear when i was a child always praying not to send me to hell crying every night, I cant blame my parents because they didnt know that im mentally being tortured by my nanny..As I was brainwashed and my mind as a child been tortured by sad events or future sad events that may or not may happen as always told to me by my nanny. Now that I grew up or slowly grew up. even though i might matured a little i cant get it away from my mind. So for me i guess for those sensitive little children its not advisable for you to let them grow under a custody of an abusive and frightening people who talks too much and plays around with the imagination of these little children if it weren’t good.
So thats how far i can remember being the cause of my misery.
I ask an apology for not being able to fully expressed my ideas as english is not my primary language.
I’m literally waiting to die…
I sleep to much but not really liking it Ive got this unknown fear and eventhough i dont have any resposibilities asssigned to me by my parents I still feel stressed out.Luckily I got two other siblings who are more or less normal and enthusiastic in their lives.also having parents who patiently looks after my basic necessities.
Im afraid of going out and look for a job as my mental state is unstable.
There are many times that i cried out to the Lord to take me from this world. i dont have any idea of what heaven or hell looks like but the pain of being where I am is just too great.
I’ve got three major manic episodes in my life ,those where considered by doctors and so called experts as hallucinations and delusions but for me it was very very real..I got this unknown feeling that I do not belong here in the world, but really dont know where or how to go on with life…
most of the time I got some weird and foul ideas like , I’m willing to give up my freewill if in return I will be experiencing happiness, guidance and direction. as for the present moment nothing really can inspire me or motivate me . even waking up in bed is very hard.. sometimes in my dreams I always have this past memories of friends and school and work over and over again.Im sick and tired of it. once in a while when my dream is good I really dont want to wake up. yeah I maybe a fool and lazy and always dreaming.. but this is how my life goes on and for nearly 2 and half years i stay inside my house not really leaving the house without any activity..
so what is life.., its like hell and i guess if I die I’ll be ready for the real hell coz i was living at it at the very moment.
I tried EFT, Self development programs, behavioral therapy for free as I have many psychologist friends and mentors..
but I am really sad and depressed for no particular reason always imagining negative and bad things will happen and even if there is something nice or good I will just conclude that it wouldn’t last and its non sense and meaningless.
How I wish we can all be friends here.. even with negative people around I still have hope maybe in atwinkle of an aye or something like a miracle my whole view about life would change.
tnx for reading…and the time…

I just typed in “waiting to die” on google and this came up. That phrase is something I am just doing now, until it happens. I feel as if I’ve spent all my life striving towards something, then I got to it, realised there was nothing there, and nothing beyond it. Just endless nothingness. I have suffered depression, and I no longer have it. I’ve done the medication thing, and it worked at the time. And yet with everything that happened, and with everything I’ve learnt, gained and lost, i’m left feeling so empty, flat and pointless that I almost wish I were still in the throes of depression. At least there was something to try for then. I’d hate to be the person who places themselves firmly in the victim role, and maybe I am. I don’t see there is anyone to blame for me feeling this way, I just do. I feel almost as if I’m in reality, and the rest of mankind are still delusional, thinking theres actually something to be vaguely excited about. I’m 27, and the thought of another 40 or so years of this, if this is all there is, makes me feel so tired. I feel like the mona lisa minus her smirk-blank and gormless. I want my joy back, but I’m afraid that its gone forever. I laugh and smile whens its appropraite, I make all the right noises and facial expressions, but inside I’m dead and rotting. Barely anything touches me. And I’m coming to believe, that this IS it. Its all there is. So I guess I’ll just keep on waiting……

Jim, I hear what you say and second it… BUT I cannot seem to attain the comfortable acceptance of my human situation as you seem to. Although I regularly maintain the sort of healthy disregard you describe for ‘iconic’ risks (I’m no ”phobe” of any conventional flavor) it is only on a sporadic, unpredictable schedule that any level of contentment or sense of security can be realized.

Mostly I feel paralyzed to move toward even the smallest of changes that might effect improvement of my existence, using virtually all the emotional energy within to merely keep plodding upon the treadmill of ‘here and now’. All the while the persistent dread that some greater, even slightly more difficult challenge will overwhelm me… and they regularly do so.

The ordinary day to day setbacks prevent me from ever gassing up my personal energy tank to a level sufficient to feel empowered to alter my insecure and unsatisfactory life. I frequently endure MORE than simply the sense of ”Waiting…” The impulse to hasten the process invests me almost daily, only complete withdrawal from the outer world via sleep allows me to flee from rewardless being… providing I CAN sleep and when disturbing dreams don’t stalk me and derail that avenue of escape.

Mostly I just keep waiting, waiting for…

A do-able fork in the road, OR
An unavoidable challenge to be addressed and, somehow, met, OR
A ‘windfall’ of good fortune to calm the tempest, OR
“The End” to appear on the horizon and relieve me of my duties of trying to navigate this whole unsatisfying mess.

hello all

I have realised I am waiting to die because I have sought other reasons for my existence and have found very few. Not enough to justify my existence. I don’t want to be in this “waiting to die” situation. If I could see reasons to fight on and carry this ripping, tearing emotional pain I would embrace life, but I have never seen the sense of it all. When I was younger I had hope that the reason for living would eventually reveal itself to me. Now that hope has greatly diminished.

In one of life’s little quirks, the condition of “waiting to die” has become the reason for living. Waiting appears to make sense. It justifies living for the moment.

Wish you all a reason to want to live.

tg

Wow! Am not alone. Didn’t think I was but I don’t talk much about my feelings of suicidal depression. I try to be positive because I want to attract positivity.

But, I’ve been suicidally depressed for last year. Have not felt this way for several years. Don’t know what to do: therapy? Am on medication. Am in 12 step and recovering from eating disorder. Don’t drink, smoke, drug.

Spend a lot of time alone when not working/school/roommate away. Seem destined for hermetic lifestyle: both my parents are loners in the extreme sense.

Appreciate comments by those on accepting death and how that helps to live life more fully. Am looking for an answer. Guess that’s why I googled the blog’s phrase; that, and wanting to connect with others who have/do feel the same.

Thanks for all those who posted!

Waiting to die, waiting to die……
Reading this blog and also comtemplating this has been most liberating for me. I am able to get to a point where I have no expectations of life. So I can just be – in the moment. Let me try to explain:
A lot of my angst is caused when I try to construct some meaning to life. I sit alone (or amongst crowds of people) and think what the %^$$$ is this all about? At that time I feel absolutely souless. Like life is all in Black and White. Completely disconnected.
However, when I can accept that all of humanity is really going through a process towards death – waiting to die. There does not have to be any real meaning to ‘why we are here’ – we just are.
This is very liberating for me.
As is usually the case in life, often the ‘formula’ that works today will not tomorrow but for now I think I have come across something very useful.
Whoever comes across my ramblings please chuck your views into the melting pot.
Bye again! Rob

Hi bigwhiterock, Thanks for the note.
Thing is to say I was ‘created’ suggest a creator. What do you think?

Absolutely disagree with your statement “if you were (waiting to die) you would be dead”. This is like saying to someone that if you were waiting for the bus, you would be on the bus. What do you think?

Agree that death will not solve my problems. Thing is that I dont think that I have a problem. I just am…nothing more.

Look forward to some more dialogue with you and others

The only thing that I know is that I know nothing………….

Rob

Where to begin? Life is complicated, unforgiving, unpredictible, and above all tough as hell…About 10 months ago my mother committed suicide. She was 56 and in a lot of pain, physically and mentally, talk about not leaving the house for 2 years, try seven. I know what it’s like to “wait for death” for myself, and for others around me. I feel depressed at times but not so much that it cripples work or anything like that, I feel very numb, very disgusted, and very relieved, all at the same time…I look foward to death but I do not wish to end my own life in such a horrible way that people will have to find me laying in a puddle of my own piss trying desperatly to revive me while on the phone with 911…I know life is tough, but I also know that death on the living is tougher…can’t wait for the “nothingness”.mhk

Peace to all of you. I am here too because I am also waiting (wishing) to die, but I will be honest with you, I would rather live happily if I could. Maybe all of us agree on one thing so far, that is, death = nothingness and nothingness is better than misery. The problem with this proposition is that death could be something other than nothingness, and there lies the trouble. When we all wish to die as we are all doing, we are simply saying that absence of pain is just better than misery, but we must all realize deep within that given the right cure from misery, we would all prefer to be alive and live a full life that also would extend into eternity. Sounds like a wishful thinking, but that is more characteristic of our nature as humans. We all have one thing in common, and that is the burning desire to be happy. The ones who believe in a creator and the ones who do not. As for me, I believe in a creator simply because I am a conscious and intelligent entity that did not create itself; therefore, some one else must have created me, hence I have a creator. In the absence of a clear contradiction, I hold my assumption to be true exercising some degree of bias in favor of my belief.

Next, we must define what happiness is. Happiness has two folds. It is getting what we want, and being able to give what we like to give. Most of us suffer from lack or absence of the first component. We do not have what we like to have. Each one of us may have a slightly different list from the other, but we could all come to agreement on the main items in the list. For instance, we all like to feel safe in an adequate shelter, be fed, socially connected and loved, successfully engaged in some interests and activities, and above all, self-actualized. This may sound familiar to those who are familiar with Maslaw’s pyramid of needs. Anything that hinders the attainment of those needs may cause feelings of anguish, dissatisfaction, or even depression. The reality that is prevalent is that somewhere and somehow in our lives, there are many reasons to be completely unhappy and we establish the fact that our world is NOT perfect (what a discovery!) If each one of us can generate a wish list, we can certainly start identifying the causes of our depression, dissatisfaction, anguish, and ultimately our desire to die, or desire to experience nothingness. We must acknowledge that nothingness is the minimum level of happiness, or the lower end of it. Happiness is at minimum is the absence of pain. That does not mean that if we, the humans, could secure a higher level of happiness that we would not. Our desire to die is hence the burning desire for life with happiness that can not and will not stand the presence of misery! We are by nature and design happiness seeking creatures. So if we can not get what we want in life, the first component is jeopardized and hence we should consider the other component, that is, the ability to give what we like to give. The good news is that all of you guys have done that so far. You all listened, sympathized, and empathized with each other on this blog and you all took the time to appreciate each others pain and concerns and that is truly wonderful. I bet you all, even the most pessimistic of you, added a flavor to this discussion and breathed life into your desire to die; I meant your desire to live, to live happily. I must conclude that the purpose of living is enduring this imperfect world which is necessary to be imperfect as such to invoke these beautiful feelings in each one of you. Congratulations to all of you! You are all good humans, full of life, full of love, and the seeds of goodness are present in each one of you. Your mission in life is to cater those seeds and step up the ladder of humanity so the world can be a better place. Yes the creator could have made it perfect for all of us, but only then each one would be so indulged into the lust of his/her own desires, and consequently the beauty of your hearts would have not the chance to shine up like it did. Thanks to all of all. Because you all know what pain means, make the world a better place, and I wish all of you true and eternal happiness.

i wonder how many people like me just randomly decided to type ‘waiting to die’ into google and came up here. like many of you i also experiance feelings of emptiness. ive been through some shitty times, there isnt a drug i havent tried, im only 23 years old and im already a recovering heroin addict. ive tried so many antidepressants in the last 6 years i should be getting paid by drug companies to test this shit for them. ive spent a lot of time thinking about what went wrong and how ive ended up the way i am. ive thought long and hard about what all this is for and whether or not life is worth suffering through. i havent found any answers and im starting to accept that the answers to the questions im asking dont exist, that this world truely is meaningless. i desperately want some reason to feel alive again but it seems like happiness is always just out of reach.
i truely empathize with so many of you who have commented here, i didnt realize how many people feel like i do and there is comfort in knowing that im not alone. i wish i could help each and every one of you somehow. i wish i had the answers; i wish there were answers. i have to believe that things can get better for all of us, no matter where we are now and how bad things have gotten for us but i know hope alone isnt enough. i mean this is all there is, we only have this one life and although life may not be what we expected or wanted but its all we have. so i guess it doesnt matter if this is all pointless or not, life is what it is, it may not be right or fair but we’re here so we might as well help each other and make the best out of it. if we’re just here to pass time until we die then there’s no point in dwelling on all thats wrong with us and the world, i guess the best we can hope for in this life is to be the kind of person we want to be, everything else is up to fate.

You people need to wake up! You all seem very selfish and are wasting your life here. I have found this site by searching for “waiting to die”, not because I want to die, but because I have aggressive cancer that is killing me. I am in pain every day and have almost had a fatal heart attack twice. I’m only 22 years old and would give anything to continue living as a normal person but it’s not possible for me and I am just waiting to die! But you people have health and can do things normal people can so get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself because that’s all that’s wrong with you! Now wake up and be happy because others are not as blessed as you!

It’s a horrible feeling waiting. Is it wrong to think so negatively?

I get the whole gist of the previous comments. I do agree with them. Personally I feel I’m ready to go and have felt like this for nearly a year. I feel like I’ve achieved everything I’ve set out to do in life and don’t really know what else I want anymore. Sometimes I wake up and the sun’s shining but I can’t seem to enjoy it. It’s not a new day to look forward to. I am motivated, I enjoy my job. I adore my friends but deep down I am so unhappy and it gets to a point that I can’t be bothered to talk about it anymore.

What is the point of living? What is the point of anything? At the end of it all is dying. Nothing to look forward to except dying.

I googled “waiting to die” because that’s how i’ve been feeling for the past few years. I read all of the postings here, and I wish I could contact some of you who posted comments that are exactly how i feel. I have been searching for people to talk to who understand and are not critical or judgmental. I’m so tired of people telling me to get on anti-depressants, or go to therapy, or all the other cliches. They refuse to accept the notion that life is an illusion, temporary, and for some people it is NOT a gift. It is suffering. No one wants to talk about death or dying. No one wants to be around someone like me — they call me a “downer.” I am in what Eckhart Tolle calls “the return movement”, and I’d like to find others who are there, also. This board is full of them, but I cannot find a way to contact any of you. I have no one to talk to, to share my feelings with. If I dare tell anyone how I’m feeling, they put me on a suicide watch, or lecture me, or just drop me as a friend because I depress them. If anyone knows of a group or an organization that is accepting of those of us who are “waiting to die”, please pass it on.

Seeing that all these people felt like me is awesome. I feel like nothing matters. And it’s great. I mean it sucks to have to let go of, you know, your traditional dreams and values, happy family, the happy family man with his tool belt and hard working man who smiles about his car and his homely handiwork. But at the same time, it makes me free. I mean, have nothing, and there’s nothing to lose. Have no fear of death and you can live a life with no boundaries, nothing to hold you back, nothing to keep you from what’s fun. I can do whatever I want to, to whomever I want to, whenever I want BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE, I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. My step to freedom was letting go of everything.

Hey everyone!

How are you?

It’s me again. Actually, I have read all of your comments. I can somehow relate to the problems you’re all having. Although nothing really bad happens to me, I’m still insecure. I’ve got A’s in college. I’m somewhat responsible. But I’m still insecure. Even for the past years since I graduated from high school, I’m still depressed. As I said before, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. My family is NOT abusive. My parents are still together and haven’t got any divorce. Yet, I feel like I’m a bad daughter/sister. Nobody praises me. They just point out my mistakes. I don’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t want to move out either because it’s going to be hard. And DC Denizen, I agree with you. Nobody understands that life is temporary and they don’t understand that we somehow suffering. It looks like nobody will help us resolve our life but ourselves. I guess there’s nothing wrong with being alive.

Ditto to what everyone wrote. Moved me to tears. I didn’t think I was depressed, as I have been in the past, till I read what you all wrote. Guess I am. I’m just so tired. I’m sure you all understand.

I have taken 80 mg of Prozac for almost 9 years. Clonazepam helps with anxiety. I (like others) sometimes just want to lie down and not get up… go to the curb and jump on the next bus outa here… wherever that is… the routine… mundane… day to day BS is almost intolerable. Any self-induced death is beyond my religious beliefs. SO, like most of you… I suck it up… The last time I cried was at my father’s funeral some years ago. I am emotionally flat as a pancake. Not really able to feel much of anything… C’est la vie… GOD bless all of you for posting. I feel like at least I have the ‘company’ of some fine people with the same or similar problem…

“Currently, I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure.”

Apt and succinct statement regarding the current state of my affairs. I’m middle aged and having to reinvent myself with a new career. My finances are low and I spend between 20-30 hours a week caretaking for an invalid parent, so I have little if anything to offer someone regarding a relationship. I’m alone. I chose nursing as a new career and soon will take the NCLEX board exams. Despite good scholastic achievement in the previous year, I feel a great sense of futility. I’ve noticed that in this profession, like in many others, it’s not a question of how proficient you are but who you know. A lot of dreams I had when I was younger are still there inside of me, but revisiting them now causes pain after a short while because I know the odds of achieving them are long at this point. Nothing outlandish, just normal stuff like financial security or a meaningful and satisfying relationship. I keep trying but my energy is weaker now compared to what it was 20 years ago. I feel harried and drained most of the time. No peers to commiserate with outside of the anonymity of this BBS.

So, whatever pleasure I find now appears quite limited and purposeless; a false pleasure, if you would. Real pleasure to me would be something that left me feeling exhilarated and revitalized to face challenges that would lead me to or further my goals in life. With what’s left of my life, I don’t think those goals are ever going to be anything but hopes. So the best I can manage now regarding pleasure is some transitory titillation.

Thanks for “Just Waiting to Die.”

The title sums up rather well how I see myself. I wonder if I’ll hasten it or just be content to let life whittle away at me day after day until the end.

Hello:

Like a number of others, I was looking for some relief from this numbness mixed with pain that is life and I came across this site. Depression runs in my family and my paternal grandmother spent her whole life waiting to die. I never wanted to turn out like her, but I have. At 26, I feel like my life has no meaning to anyone (including me) and I no longer see the point of a long life. Living to a ripe old age means many more years of numbness and loneliness and pain and I don’t wish for it. But, I don’t think I’m suicidal… if that makes any sense. I wish there was some non-medical cure for this, but I’ve given up hope. I hold down a job, but on my days off I often can’t bring myself to leave the house and face the world. There seems to be a whole world out there, but not one that needs me in it. I don’t want to be medicated and I’m not a fan of mental health professionals. Little comfort though it is, I’m somewhat glad to know there are others who feel likewise. Thanks for reading/listening.

Sadgirl26 – your post is 99% accurate to what I live.

I’m looking for a passion in life but seem unable to find anything, everything seems to lead back to the same common thread. We all end up in the same place so if I’m not going to find any satisfaction past what I’ve already found… same dog different sh*t every day. Nothing really changes & nothing really ‘floats my boat’. 10 minutes of enjoyment, 2 hours of enjoyment with any activity doesn’t keep me interested & I still feel at the end of the day there’s a feeling that I’m still just waiting to die.

I’m not suicidal, I just seem to be searching for something that I guess I’ll never find. (But I’ll keep waiting & looking) The age-old questions from the creator to the purpose have kept me occupied but all answers lead back to the same point. At this point I’m comfortable with not knowing the ‘big’ questions & enjoying the many possibilities of the big questions. It’s a nice distraction.

I don’t truly invest in personal relationships any more as I don’t want their complaints about life & petty problems when there’s larger things in life people have to endure. I don’t want people’s sympathy but yet I hand out empathy which drains me like it’s handed out free at a flea market. An early post directed me towards avoidant personality disorder & I don’t know, seems pliable.

I run my own small company, pay all of my bills & can put a front on for any situation to at least make the other people around me comfortable with my interaction (most of the time). I’m not a bad looking fella & all arrogance aside a fairly intelligent fellow. The responsibility for the last few years of running a small business is the only thing I believe that ensures I don’t lock up in my house, never answer my door & avoid nearly all phone calls. As much as I enjoy my weekends there is a constant pressure of avoiding any social interactions.

That’s my ramble, I’ve taken some relief in reading other people’s stories/thoughts & maybe if this gives me some feeling of ‘hope’ in waiting it also gives you the same. There are some nice ideas in this thread & if they work, even for a couple of days at least the distraction is worth it. Maybe that’s the answer? Maybe for some of us we should have been philosophers… /shrug

Living by inertia… very accurate here too. I’m a big good-looking man, a powerlifter with a good job… and yet I live only through inertia too. Twice divorced, I’m having a child (my only) with a woman who treated me like shit and changed our lives through text messages. I’m 41, and damaged, and half the days in my commute I hope to roll my Expedition and die horribly. I’ve lost my hope. I drink tequila every night, and now after such a clean life I’m becoming a drunk. This is no bullshit, I’m 6’1″, 260 pounds with 20″ arms and people come up to me in the gym just to shake my hand. My reputation at work is almost peerless… and all I think about is dying now, and almost every night.

I am so sick and tired of this place. There is nothing here for me. There has to be something better beyond this world. Hoping to find it someday and if not oh well I would be happy turning into a rotting pile of flesh. At least it will give the maggots something to snack on.

f/53

i’m just really really tired. i’ve done everything in life i want to do. i look forward to death but am not chasing it.

i’m glad i found this site – googled ‘just waiting to die’ – and your comments bring a strange peace. especially the ones that said waiting to die is something that can be done, while living small.

i can do that; i can live small while waiting to die.

thanks everyone for your words, peace to you.

Life sucks. What else is there to say?

Hi people,

Again I’m another one that googled ‘waiting to die’ admittedly after trying ‘choose life’.

Been in therapy 5 years and on meds for the last 4 years. Recently I tried to wean down my dosage as I’m sick of being fat—a side effect of the meds. This time no withdrawals but I didnt realise how scattered my thinking had gotten til today.

Apparently I’m a vivacious 35 year old single mum. I teach part time in a job I love. I have 2 crazy girl kids and have been single for 4 years.

I have no blood family to call on here in NZ so my friends are my family.

I have a co-existing bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Suffered with depression since at least 17.
Yup, had a shit upbringing and genetic predisposition for mental illness.

Anyway it’s been a rough 6 weeks as it’s been summer school holidays here and I was amping to get the kids back to school for some peace and quiet… then my mood started to plummet. Literally overnight.

Visit my counselor today as I do every week and told her about tapering meds. She asked me to up them as I’m going through some huge stuff for one being… I need to choose to live.

I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Yay, another day…” I go to bed at night thinking, “Thank god. That’s one less day I have to live.” I stay alive for my kids. I don’t care if I die. Would just be easier if I wasn’t here.

I’m bored, lonely and alone. Where do I find this zest for life, how do I choose to live? I’m not suicidal by any means.

Just couldn’t care less if I died.

How do we embrace this life as it is?

went to doc’s clean bill of health, besides high ldl, sugar… i’ve been going through the motions of life for a while now… i don’t have feeling anymore… seems… suicide just hurts all the people i’ve been fooling… self destructive behavior seems to create a different life… but also lonely existence… i’ve dated and love the person i’m with… but i don’t have much to give… i care about people… just not myself so much… i exercise regularly eat well… i just don’t feel too alive in the traditional sense… very bored with all things… when i went to the doc’s i thought i’d find something to live for… nope… just same old… i don’t even think i have depression… the signs are there but in a clinical sense… or dsdv V… danger seems to make me feel something… but it’s very limited… i try to change my view to no avail… i’m not waiting to die so much as existing i don’t have a wish, plan, or idea…

all i do is think… i don’t listen to people talking to me… i just don’t care to care… usually i don’t blog… seems reasonable here… it’s funny people google this… actually awesome… we’re all fucked together… at least i care enough to read what you guys/gals have to say… well maybe the economy will get better and we can live better in agony… prob not

nebas
27/m

My last boyfriend once told me that every birthday wasn’t a reminder of how little time was left, but how much. He said he was sitting around just waiting to die. He landed in the hospital after being hit by a car and died a few days later from complications from a followup surgery, but before he did, he took my hand, looked me in the eyes and told me that when he woke up in the hospital, he was surprised to be alive and for the first time ever was happy to be so.

Now I’m just sitting around, waiting to die.

I really think death would be the best thing for me. I am miserable and don’t want to get up in the morning. When I go to sleep at night I hope I will never wake up. People make such a big deal out of life. You are here for a few years then you die. We are basically bugs that can talk. People step on bugs to kill them and don’t care. What is the difference? Are we so much better than a bug? We are both living, breathing creatures.

I haven’t worked for a year and never plan to again. I watched taxes being raped from my paycheck to support illegal alien babies only so I can be miserable and ask myself, “What in the hell I am doing?” I am working so I can be miserable while helping an illegal alien who craps out kids and make more money. Make no sense.

I have been depressed forever. I have decided I am going to party like a rockstar for as long as my money will last. When I am broke, the .44 mag will blow my brains out and that will be the end. For the first time in my life I am actually excited about my future! Best of luck everyone. Life isn’t all it is cracked up to be. It’s like a certain food for example. Some people like it and others don’t. Life sucks for me and I am done playing this game. Take care!

Download Dr. Eric Maisel’s “The Purpose Centered Life” and learn to make meaning again. Learn to use the existential keys and fight the self-criticism that brings existential thoughts like this to your universe. Everything is subjective. Learn to control your universe. Learn to control what is meaningful in your life. Also 40 mg of [random anti-depressant drug brand name] helps greatly… Maisel is available on iTunes for free. If you kill yourself it’s true that the pain will go away forever but so will the chance that you can gain control and live not only in peace but in contentment. Study Evolutionary Psychology if you really want to understand why you are what you are. David Buss, Steven Pinker etc. do a good job, and then become an interested anthropologist—studying yourself. Jesus Fucking Christ get over the fact that you’re just dust in the wind and embrace being able to choose something—even if it’s only the ability to sometimes partially veto an unwanted thought. Baby steps huh? veto veto veto veto embrace embrace embrace embrace. It’s your universe. It’s your decision. It’s your experience. Go hiking this weekend. Visit your children. Make a fucking decision and stick with it. Study Memetics. Read Susan Blackmore and Geoffery Miller and learn how we have evolved to fitness indicate! And how some ways of putting words together can be such powerful fitness indicators that they can make you want to kill someone… or yourself to promote some stupid idea. Especially the idea that depression itself is somehow “cool”. Good Luck.

Waiting to be dead…

The only thing I want is the peace of non-existence. I don’t even want my soul/spirit to exist after my body dies. I see the world as an illusion. A mind game… because that’s all it is. One big fucked-up mind game. Where we are put here without our consent, forced to watch our own species kill itself over beliefs, suffer through our own bullshit, and taken away without consent.

The “correct” way to treat depression is by loading the patient up with mind-altering drugs. Name it, I’ve been on it. Hospitalized twice for suicidal (insert verb here). Seen more shrinks than a university. And yet I get “worse”.

Could it be that before I was 3 I watched my dad beat the fuck out of my mom? Watching her plead “no” with blood oozing out of her forehead? What about my dad in handcuffs? What about the mind games my parents played with me over child support? Or maybe it’s the fact that I never actually attended any school for more than 2 years before moving far away? Or growing up Mormon and having my beliefs shattered when I discovered some dirty little secrets? Or maybe it was holding some stranger’s head in my hands while they died. Bled out and died in my hands? Or maybe it’s because I joined the army thinking I was doing my country a favor and really seeing the truth? Or maybe it’s because I lost my job, my car, and my apartment all in the same month? Nah…”It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and you need (insert generic drug name here)”.

All I can say is life sucks.

I found this page by typing “want to die pointless boring” into Google. I read through almost all the posts. I feel that I shouldn’t really be complaining and that only adds to my feeling shitty about myself. From the outside I’m quite not the person that I feel inside me right now — and pretty often. I’m very sociable, 36, rather good-looking, seemingly successful. I’m not married and have no kids, but I have my mom and my brother who love me very much. I have a lot of acquaintances and a few good friends. I’m thought of as bright, talented, a great cook, sexy, good friend, world traveler and all those good things. I take dancing classes and yoga, go to concerts, read, throw dinner parties, etc, etc. However all throughout my life I’ve felt… well, mediocre. Like I’m not bad — but I’m mediocre which is even worse than bad, because it’s so tasteless and blah. Right now the feeling is just really intensified. I feel that I’m living a pointless busy life with no real meaning. I have never really entertained the idea of suicide although I’ve had a couple of passing thoughts “how it would happen” — sort of like imagining how the people will react and wallowing in self-pity in the process. I suppose I am mildly depressed — not horribly but just mildly. I was in a relationship for 5 years and it was a mix of good and bad because while my boyfriend and I were good friends and partners in many ways, he didn’t want commitment (I wanted family and kids) and was cheating on me non-stop but for whatever reason I couldn’t break up with him and finally did last November. After a couple of months he decided that he wanted to get back together and proposed to me with all seriousness. I shouldn’t have agreed but I did. Right now we’re sort of engaged — I’m saying sort of because it’s all been just words so far, no actions at all. I think that we love each other like friends or even relatives because of all the time we spent together but in reality I don’t think I love him nor does he me — as husband and wife should. I know that I should break it off with him — but again I’m upset at myself at being so passive and not doing anything about it. I’m just comfortable with him and he is with me, and I despise myself for settling for just comfort. After we broke up I had an affair with one of our mutual friends which didn’t lead to anything because even though I think he and I are perfect for each other there always was the shade of my ex-boyfriend so it made it awkward for this guy to really be with me, plus he’s going through divorce and has 2 kids, and says he cares too much about me, so since I want to have a normal family and he’s not in a situation to offer that to me, he doesn’t want a relationship. The saddest thing is that we truly love each other but are just friends — and he’s actually more respectful of that than I am… On top of all this I think that I’m having a health problem — in the last year my memory has become sharply worse, I forget things right and left, and when I drink (which is not too much nor too often, but still) I may not remember half of a night the next day — even if I had only 2 glasses of wine. This doesn’t happen all the time — and it would be so easy to just not drink at all, right? But I’m not quitting it either… I lost my job 3 months ago and on interviews I’m trying to paint myself as this super-duper professional — I have a grad degree from a prestigious school and great work history — but inside I think of how bad my memory has become, and that perhaps my mind is going, and that I might not be able to do the job if hired… it’s scary… Everything seems so superficial except for my mom; she truly loves me. Everyone else I think doesn’t really care that much — I don’t blame them, they have to prioritize — they have families and other important things, and I’m kind of a social butterfly with no meaning. I’m 36 already, have no kids and no man worthy of having a relationship, am in love with someone who (although great and seemingly loves me) doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, I procrastinate and waste time almost constantly, it takes me forever to get out of the house — it’s 2 pm right now and I’ve been wanting to get outside since the morning. I spend too much time online with email and blogs; I forward too many jokes (even though they’re good). I write poetry sometimes — but it’s not that great. The only thing I’m really good at is cooking and throwing dinner parties. When I’m in the kitchen I feel happy and successful, plus of course it’s the gratification of seeing the results and enjoying the praise of the people that eat it. But that is not a purpose in life — too cook and feed… I’m ashamed to tell any of the stuff I wrote here to any of my friends because their answer would be so obvious — just DO something, stop drinking, lose the boyfriend, make yourself more organized, get off the internet, go to the doctor and see if there’s a medication that could help the memory issue… Instead I — why perfectly realizing what needs to be done — just continue with the way my life is. It’s not miserable… but so stupid, pointless, purposeless — and the time is running out, a few more years of this and I will be out of child-bearing age… A couple of closer friends I’ve tried to talk about some of this (except for the mind and the memory stuff — I’m afraid to bring it up) started giving me good advice and being supportive, but after seeing that I haven’t changed anything they kind of lost interest (I don’t blame them, really)…

Anyway. I don’t know if anyone will read my blabbing here… but thanks at least for an opportunity to let myself talk. You are all perfect strangers, and probably that’s why I can open up. I don’t really feel sorry for myself — just sort of nothing. No good, no bad… Mediocre. Thank you.

God, hear our cries feel our pain release us from darkness please o lord. please

ohh my god
I never thought that I’ll find that much of people that share me my suffering. I’m 26 years old and I feel this way more than 3 years. I thought of killing my self coz i hate waiting. I’m Muslim and this kind of thoughts are not acceptable but I really cant help it. My life is not bad at all but I lost any passion or meaning of life, it’s like let be any way I don’t care I’m dying any way. I miss the feeling that other people are feeling and giving them the power to survive in life. I want to enjoy my life I’m still young and I know I’m missing alot.

I hope we can let this ideas go and enjoy every day of our life.

My mom died when I was 24. She was my best friend. She suffered from depression and alcoholism—died of lung cancer. She was so lonely and I think she too was just waiting to die. When she died, I realized that she had gone to a way better place than where she had been. No more suffering, loneliness, depression, drinking. She was spared years and years of self loathing and torture. I go through the motions. Nothing excites me. Nothing moves me, no passion, no energy to do anything. I feel I am doing a disservice to my children and husband. I have no original ideas, I just go with the flow. I look forward to seeing my mom again, wherever she is, I hope I go there too and I hope there is happiness to be found. It’s been almost 20 years since she died, how much longer do I have to wait? How much longer do I have to pretend I want to be alive?

Sometimes I wonder who will miss me when I’m gone. Or will it be like I was a speck of dust in the universe—poof, gone. Nice to be able to voice my opinion without being judged or told what I should do. Always tired. Thanks for listening.

Feel so peaceful when I come to this page. I felt life is meaningless indeed, I don’t believe reincarnation exists.

I am 19 this year, and my dad just passed away at age of 59. He work hard everyday just cover expenses of family. And I start realize, everyone is studying since they are born, hoping to get a better job, then work their ass out and hope to earn more money. After earning money buy car buy house and marry, have child and work harder to support children school fees etc. etc. … and at last died. Then your child continue what you were doing again.

Money money money, is that the reason we are living in this world? Happiness? I worked as part time before, and I realize human are fake ass, everyone is on a mask… pretend to be someone in front each other. True friend? Yeah I did have a few, that’s the reason kept me from not suicide.

I don’t feel like working, don’t even feel like doing anything, just wanna sit in front of my computer, and hoping airplane crash on my house and I died.

What is life? Stop telling me some philosophy that everyone knows.

The secret to enjoying life is based in your social and physical environment. Of course, these are the hardest things to escape. Moods do not grow out of logical analysis of our environment, and neither can we change our mood solely through analysis. And even with logic and study, we can easily get confused between various causes, and between causes and effects. But if I’ve learned anything, what makes us feel better is people we can relate to, and environments that stimulate us emotionally. The mind is very important, but the body and the emotions are even more so, no less for the close relationship between them.

The body–sensation–stimulates the emotions, which in turn stimulate the mind. The reverse is also true, but less immediate. And it is through the senses that we determine whether the people in our lives are good for us or not. Much human communication is non-verbal, and much of that is subconscious. And we can tell, intuitively, the difference between authentic and deceitful intentions and expressed feelings. We know a real smile from a fake one. We know real care and acceptance. Find people who make you feel better. Find places that make you feel better. Think about it, too, but don’t look for logic to give you purpose or direction or hope or drive.

Give yourself permission to do what you want, to give yourself what you need. No need to do harm to others, but likewise, no need to enslave yourself to them, either.

And get more exercise. It releases endorphins. Better than drugs or adrenaline, which leave you feeling empty after they’ve run their (brief) course. Go for a walk somewhere interesting. Go look at things. Forget about yourself and your mind and your anxiety. Find something astounding and surprising — outside! Nature and people: if you think you know the whole world, you’re really delusional. And then consider talking to people. They’re not all bad. In fact, they’re often interesting, if you can find some genuine ones. They don’t make headlines, but they’re out there. Oh, but don’t hang around other depressed people all the time, especially to commiserate. That’s a trap. Better to get a pet cat or dog.

Life is about caring. For yourself, for others. For plants and animals. For things that matter. And for appreciating things that are beyond you. Bigger and more powerful than you. The mystery of nature and the things that it makes. And the mystery of people and the world. It doesn’t have to change. You don’t have to change it. Just enjoy it as it is. In the here and now. Right in front of your face. Pay attention and you’ll be surprised. Look outward. And forget and remember at the same time. Mental health is an innate skill, and mental anguish is a learned habit. Remember the first, and forget the second.

Finally, remember that our emotions are inventions of our brains. They are only real in the sense that we perceive them. They have no physical reality. They are an effect, not a cause, and they are as ephemeral as light reflecting off water. Change your environment, and your emotions will change, too. If your memories are powerful, it just means that you need a physical environment even more compelling.

Just words, but maybe a different point of view than what you’ve been reading above.

I am beginning to think life is all about how much money and power you can rack up before you kick the bucket. Like one big popularity concert. I hope the 12-21-2012 end of the world nonsense actually does come true.

This IS the human condition. If you think you are alone and the ONLY one feeling this way, you are wrong. Everyone feels this way. Everyone. Don’t be fooled. Life is one big struggle from the time you start out as a screaming newborn till the time your chest starts making that rattling death noise as an old person.

You think it should be different for you? Why?

The bigger question is how are YOU making it any better for the person next to you? Think outside “your box” about someone else.

I love you all even though I don’t know you because I do know you are on this same planet with ALL the same stuff going on around you on the outside and the INSIDE as me.

Life is hard here. The creator of Life, God, Allah, Yahweh, whatever you call God, has a plan beyond this and someday you will see that TRUE LIFE is ALL GOOD. Waiting for that time — RESURRECTION on earth for ALL people in wonderful conditions. It’s coming. Really. It is.

That is exactly how I feel, only I feel that there is nothing better for me. Waiting to die is the best way to describe what I do in life.

There are just too many of us I guess. I am 45 and also waiting to die like most of you. I guess we all don’t know the reason we just want to leave this world. People will tell us there is so much to enjoy and be thankful for in this world. Besides, if we look at ourselves we really have achieved something. But we just feel burned out and tired of life. We are a community.

What can I say that others have not already said? I won’t take meds. I have been waiting to die since 2005. All I worked for in my life just didn’t matter anymore. Yes I work (same place for 25 years), support my family, own a nice home, have 3 other kids and 10 grandkids with another on the way. My wife loves me and she is great. It all doesn’t matter. I just want to lay down and sleep, forever. Nothing seems to work easy, even going online, I watched my wife on the computer relaxing playing a game. I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t get online. Not until I rebooted the hub and computer. Like I said, nothing is easy these day. Why did I say 3 other kids, my 27 year old son decided he didn’t want to live anymore 5 months ago. I watch his kids about 4 times a week now, support Little League, etc… Am I complaining? Maybe. Is my life terrible? Not even close, but I don’t seem to care about anything. Yes I think about suicide but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, naturally with no help. Old age can’t get here fast enough!

I am in my mid 40’s and waiting to die. It wasn’t always this way, in fact I tried very hard for many years to keep myself constantly busy so I wouldn’t revert back to the way I had been in the past; just waiting to die. I accept this is the way I am now. Every day I hope will be my last. I very much hope I, who wants to move on from my life, will develop a fatal illness and someone who wants to live will receive a reciprocal reprieve. In the meantime I think about taking my life every day but do not because of the pain it would cause my father and sister (I have no friends). If they died before me then I would almost certainly try and hopefully succeed in taking my life.

Ah, the frustration…

Q: What do you do for a living?
A: Care for and tend to chronically dysfunctional people within a chronically dysfunctional system staffed largely by chronically dysfuntional or grossly under functioning people.

Q: What do you do in your (scant) spare time?
A: Tend to things in chronic need of doing: laundry, shopping, yard care, hygiene, grooming and personal health, and the other stacks of tedious minutia repeatedly requiring attention and never getting ‘done’.

In other words, almost all of my life is spent shoveling shit against the tide.
Why would anyone be waiting for an end to such endeavor, entirely pointless except for the sake of continuing the circuitous route along same rewardless footpath…?

Just came across this. Amazed that the discussion has continued so many years now. Had to skip through a lot of years, because I was getting depressed, then bored. Finally, the whole thing sort of reminded me that I was almost late taking my Depakote. That’s for bi-polar, by the way, not depression. So, even though I have severe bouts of depression where I want to kill myself, the feeling goes away after a few months (or days, now that I’ve progressed all the way to “rapid cycling” after so many years). Then, I go into a period where I have lots of energy and feel very productive, eventually exhausted, although I cannot shut my mind or body down, and I generally feel like I could kill other people instead of myself. Overall, a pretty exciting lifestyle. Can you imagine how boring it must be to be “normal?” Mental health seems like it would be so dull as to drive a man insane.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that I’m turning 40 next month, and I was diagnosed with AIDS when I was 20? Kicked out of 2 churches? Embezzled about a million bucks from my employer during a manic episode? Returned to turn myself in and served five years in prison? Have plenty of men and women who claim to be “in love” with me, but very obviously just want a physical relationship? Yeah, life can be quite screwed up, guys. Thank god for the drugs, which by the way, have now started to damage my kidneys. Glad I got all that off my chest. Nice little therapeutic forum going here. I’m going to google “Desiderata” and read it a couple times to cheer myself up, then have a big slice of cake with my night time “happy pills.” Good night, fellas.

I joined a gym. I don’t even think it’s healthy but it’s a challenge. Maybe that is the best thing to do. Find something that’s easy and you can slowly build upon it. I have lacked desire and motivation my whole life and see even philosophy and travel as a waste of time. I stay home mostly and think about how pointless life is. However, I will say that I feel better lately than I have in the past. Let me say that at least now sometimes I’m OK with life being boring and stupid. It’s somehow interesting that I am actually content in a way with that life choice.

Does anyone know what I mean? If I could find someone to be bored and stupid with maybe I could even be in a relationship. I don’t like to kid myself though, it probably won’t happen and that’s OK too because I think like everything else, Love is a disaster waiting to happen… unless… you are both happy being almost retarded. I am! That is what I’ve come to realize lately. I’m happy being a stupid bored waste of space.

You know, I am not actually depressed. I just don’t really have a reason to exist. I have no hobbies…my family moved across the continent, I am an alcoholic (self medication I guess)…but really…nothing interests me…the man I loved is gone…I am a 61 year old ugly fat woman…ya know…the list goes on. There is not one good reason that I need to exist. I drink so when I wake up the next day I don’t remember how lonely my night before was. I am a functional achololic because I work three jobs, 7 days a week. But there is just no meaning for me being here. I am already dead inside, the drinking is hastening my physical to run and meet the emotional. Still, I continue to be a healthy woman. Sigh.

am tired…ready to go to sleep…nitey nite

Jon’s advice: shut up, go work and be happy. Jon, you are everything that’s wrong with the world. First of all, no one asked to be born, life is not a gift… it’s FORCED ON YOU.

Second, shutting up and JUST LIVE is the problem. Many of us lack purpose, the joy or don’t see the point… whatever the reason that brought us here, we are waiting to die. It’s just is. Typing “alpha male just do it” bullshit just pisses people off. It’s the same thing telling the depressive to “get over it”.

Third, cavemen also used to hunt their food and they didn’t question their existence or have any gods or whatever. Their purpose was food and procreation. What’s our purpose? Mindless consumption, working inhumane hours for the rich and lying to ourselves that somehow we are significant (it’s in the bible!). What I mean to say is, it’s completely different. How can you NOT need self medication or self delusion… some need it to survive.

Stop simplifying things in a complicated world.

I hope you all get well.

just checking in again. I was amazed when I found so many like myself here. you know, i know the things it takes to make life more…interesting?…worthy?…um, worth living?…but sometimes, none of those things ring my bell. I am getting by day to day, but there is no joy or excitement. I am simply existing…as a functional human being…but there are no rewards. I am simply clicking down the days.

It is odd. I used to believe that I was miserable, empty, uninterested, etc., because existence had no objective meaning; the World being accidental, unconscious and quite oblivious to the hopes and sufferings of those living in it. I could not have faith in love, goodness as these notions are the products of minds which are thus as a result of billions of years of undirected natural selection; random, chance, incremental evolution. We are biological machines whose brains have developed far beyond what was necessary to survive, presumably because there was some survival advantage in being slightly more intelligent than the creatures we were competing with. Unfortunately, we are lumbered with this amazing ability to create, reason, wonder, know ourselves and question the nature of everything. An ability that no other species we know of has.

I used to believe that, but then I thought about how many enthusiastic, fascinated, curious people there are who share my paradigm. They also consider life to be an accident and without purpose, but they are not miserable. That is not to say that they are all happy, but I cannot assume a correlation between (for want of a better term) atheism and hopelessness. It seems there is, in some, a mysterious capacity for beholding the World with joy and wonder. I do not possess this capacity, but I see it in others and I envy them its possession. I see that it is the absence of this capacity which is the cause of my misery, not the meaninglessness of existence. A fascination with the other and not the self seems to be a defining characteristic. The most joyful people I have met have been those who are continually struck and astonished by the beauty and strangeness of the World and seek to understand it. That is enough for them. They would live many lifetimes if they could, just to have more time to learn and experience.

I feel the lack of this capacity all the more for the glimpses I have had of it. Moments of feeling a profound sense of the awesomeness of things; looking through a telescope at a galaxy which is 40 million light years away, the beauty of an unsolicited smile, listening to a choir practising in an empty cathedral (phenomenal), the incredible courage of individuals. These moments, few and far between, have made me realise how shallow I am the rest of the time, how little touches me and how little I care for others.

Who knows whence this mysterious ability? Nature? Nurture? Probably a complex combination of the two, as is the case with other human attributes. I am, incidentally, expressly NOT talking about those who experience joy through their faith, as they are a quite different kettle of fish. Let them have their illusions. Evolution, in addition to enabling us to reason, has apparently also equipped us with a fantastic talent for creative self-deceit. The people who impress me are those without illusions, but who retain and exercise their humanity and compassion as an end in itself. They are amazing and a real testament to the human spirit. Of course, I also resent them because they shame me… 😉

Another, lost and waiting to die.

Some honest posts here. I understand where you’re all coming from and sympathetic to your plight.

I used to think like Jon — he’s probably a young gun full of vim and vigor. I also thought people with depression (and most of you come off as depressed to me) were just complainers… thought maybe they were coddled too much and couldn’t hack it in the real world. Well life has a way of making you understand things they don’t teach in high school. I had a little experience about five years ago. My how educational that was!

I came from a low income blue collar family but for the most part had a positive outlook like Jon. I used to be someone who could outwork most guys on a construction crew. I put myself through college, got a degree and worked in tech for years. So no one put a silver spoon in my mouth and I was glad that I had to work for it because I appreciated it more. I believe in a God and believe there is a plan for Mankind and a purpose for the trouble we experience. I have a good family for the most part and good social relationships with people, so how could I possibly get depressed?

WHEN I FIRST NOTICED:

My wife and I got tired of the materialistic rat race like many of you and had this urge to get away from it all so we moved to a more rural location in the U.S. — sold our house when the economy was roaring and made a lot of money so finances were not the problem at the time. We went to the coast to relax after the move, great scenery, sunny days; however, one day I woke up feeling an uncontrollable urge to cry. Not the teary-eyed sniffly kind, I mean all-out howling at the moon. I was a little taken aback at this urge to weep for no reason and couldn’t pinpoint the cause. Was it the death of several close friends and family, 9/11, tech burn out, business burn out, living with my wife’s depression (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time), previous job insecurity/uncertainty, manopause (approaching 40) — all of the above?

I tried to figure it out, but ultimately my nerves were just shot for some reason. I never felt like that before and I couldn’t control it. Looking back there wasn’t any big cause that I could think of but now believe it was a lot of smaller anxieties and stresses that added up over time.

As time went on I then began noticing a feeling like heavy lead weights hanging off of me. In other words, every movement, every thought was a burden like I was carrying extra invisible weight. Even simple easy decisions and simple tasks were difficult. I became frustrated and short-tempered at my lack of ability to function. It seemed like every one else was having an easy, good time except me. Then a few more weeks went by and I had this feeling of wishing for death (anything to stop what I felt like). I have since learned that this is called passive suicide — not willing to kill yourself but wishing a bus would just hit you and end it all. I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol but understand why people do.

I eventually went to see a doctor — which was not easy because of the stigma associated with mental illness — not to mention being a blue collar “tough guy” who could “hack it” and a Christian with faith in a positive hope. Also, I HATE taking medication — like Jon, I didn’t believe in them — except for pain killers… I do like pain killers — I mean the name says it all right?

Anyway, I ended up on Welbutrin for about 9 months. Got up to about 80% normal then decide to see if I could stay off the meds. I had a few bad days or weeks here and there but after about a year or two I got back to about 95%. My wife got on Celexa which worked okay but now she’s on both Celexa and Welbutrin and that seems to be the right mix for her.

I have since recovered for the most part — thank God — but have a different opinion of people with depression.

Kaiser has a pretty good program for depression and I learned a couple things in their depression/anxiety classes. Take this with the note that I am not a doctor — I only play one on the internet.

1) IT’S PHYSIOLOGICAL: It’s physiological not mental — we are chemical machines. Your nerves will malfunction if chemicals are imbalanced. Reasons: genetic disposition, burn out from elevated stress levels and/or anxiety, bad diet, drug induced, or hormonal. BTW: Anxiety is often related to depression — sometimes they feed each other.

2) NOT RELATED TO FAITH: This one is for the Christians. It has nothing to do with your faith in God. Some Christians can’t understand why they would feel depressed when they have a hope. The two are not connected — remember it’s physiological. Also, if it helps, read up on I Kings 19:3 where Elijah asks God to kill him — think he wasn’t depressed? Yep, there’s depression in the Bible.

3) ATTITUDE AND NEGATIVE THINKING: Own the disease and fight the mental desire to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking. Fighting the negativity can be difficult because depression causes a sort of negative feedback loop that is hard to break without therapy (meds or otherwise). If you “naturally” tend to think negatively or grew up in a negative family you will have to overcome this bad habit if possible. Attitude can and does effect how we think also. As hard as this sounds to a depressed person, work on thinking positive.

4) MEDICATION: Medication does work! However, there are different kinds and strategies, and you will have to participate in the healing process. Follow the doc’s directions but watch how your body/mind reacts. Pay close attention; you might have to work through a couple different types of medication until you find a therapy that works for you. Not all meds work the same for everyone. I have a friend for whom it took almost ten years to diagnose then find the right combo — she had it really, really bad though (fetal-position-in-a-dark-room-unable-to-speak bad). She didn’t know what it was for a few years, so that delayed the right therapy — she’s doing good these days.

5) SELF MEDICATION: People often gravitate to this instinctively. Not understanding they’re depressed, they just want to kill the pain — drugs and alcohol offer temporary relief but often you just end up with two problems instead of one.

6) ISOLATION: or a need of wanting to escape is often a symptom of depression. People are admittedly a source of much anxiety, and when you’re depressed all your nerves are raw and it’s hard to cope. All you want is some peace and quiet. But isolating yourself alone with your negative thoughts is not a good idea — don’t be ashamed, get some help!

Hope this helps some of you.

Stuart….please don’t be gone too long.

I’ve posted here before. Well my girlfriend of 13 years left me. She was taking 200 mg of zoloft. Zoloft made her nuts. She said that there were eyeballs on chairs and that paint chips were cameras and that I put them there. She also accused me of having a 3-way with 2 of my ex bosses wives. Of course none of this happened. She has destroyed me. My soul is forever lost. Going to a doctor won’t help me as I refuse to take any man made chemical prescription poison pills. Life’s a bitch and then you die.

Wow. I’m a fellow googler. Just have this idea in my mind that I can’t wait to die from natural causes. I attempted suicide 3x in two days in Sept 2010. At the time, I was self medicating with copious amounts of mj.

Had no idea the devastation it was causing my husband, children, mother, sisters, and friends no idea how much I was hurting them when all I wanted to do was end my own life.

I’m so grateful to know I’m not alone in this mindset. I can’t talk to the few people left in my life about waiting to die, as they seem to take it personally, and although I have trouble dealing with other people, I don’t think I could take being 100% alone. My previous suicide attempts have upset my remaining friends greatly, and so, like those posted above, I’m waiting. 40 years old, unemployed, bipolar, and empty. Always tired. Thanks for being here.

Graeme… Please continue to this site. If you think we don’t need you… We do… If you think you don’t need us, you do… Just give us time…

Black dog….we are all there, one way or another. We are all damaged souls. I hurt for you as I hurt for all of us on this webpage. My only suggestion for you is that…..time takes time. Be blessed and come back, come back, come back….

Wow, it’s nice to see that a text that is so old (in internet-years) still brings people together and touches its readers like this.

I’m a 24 year old female, with depression and a personality disorder. And this post is spot on when it comes to describing how I feel.

I feel that my life is over already. Because I grew up abused and oppressed, I never had a chance to create my own identity, to get to know myself. Now I just live because its what is expected of me. I have no goals. No sense of self. No drive. Nothing. And around me old friends have children, get married, move half-way across the world and one after another they find their places in the world.

I don’t plan on coming back to this page, I don’t even know why I’m writing this but I read a few comments and it seems it’s the people who’ve grown a bit to feel “ready to die”. in their 30s to 50s. But yet I’m not even in college and yet I can relate. Every night I go to bed with the want of not waking up, but I have no reason for this. Everything is amazing in my life, but due to my depression for the past 6 years I have no goals, there’s nothing I want in this world but I haven’t lived life the slightest bit. It truly is a living hell.

I just stumbled upon this page on google, I typed in “I’m just waiting to die.” It’s amazing how many people on here have replied to this, and feel the same way. I really don’t feel so alone now.

I’m 17, and I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety for 5-6 years now. I’ve also been cutting myself for 5 years, and even been to two different mental hospitals to try to stop the self-harm. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 years old, because my dad struggled with severe depression and other medical conditions as well. He lives on disability checks. He’s never kept a job, doesn’t have a car, job, or real house. After that my mom remarried a second time when I was 11, it was a very short marriage and damaging to me from what happened. Soon after again my mom remarried a third time, when I was 13, and she’s still in it till this day.

To this day it’s still very difficult to live with a man, who is my step-dad, who I hardly even know, and I try at all costs to avoid him even after 4 years of living under the same roof with him. I wish I could spend more time with my real dad, since he is my best friend, and I can relate to him most since we share similar qualities. But my mom has only let me see him once a week, ever since I was a little girl and they both divorced.

Right now I am going to an online high school because of my severe anxiety, depression, and panic attacks I suffer from. Life is extremely lonely and desolate. I don’t have any friends I talk to anymore since I left them at my old high school school. I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was younger, and even attempted it once. But now I am just waiting to die, how ever long it takes. It really doesn’t even bother me, because of how introverted I am. I truly don’t see any hope in my future, nor do I even know why I am here on this earth and makes me question the purpose of my existence. Sometimes this life even seems nothing but an illusion to me, and makes me over-think constantly.

I am only but one person out of 6 billion people on earth, how can I possibly make a difference? I find myself asking this question numerous times, because I truly strive to make a difference with this one life I have been given. I still have dreams and aspirations, and I yearn to have a long and fulfilling life. But for some strange reason I find myself believing the opposite, and pursuing complete nothingness. I just feel like there is not point to. There is no point to me, since I feel I am worthless and of no value.

I’ve always had the lowest self-esteem, and I’ve always put a mask on for other people. No one has any idea who I really am, or what I’ve been through. I’ve always lived to please people, I always want to put other people’s happiness before mine. I don’t want them to know about me, because I don’t want to be a burden to them, or annoy them. I’m so afraid of others thinking bad of me, I make myself sick obsessively worrying if something is wrong with me, or if someone doesn’t like me.

This oppressing fear and grief I contain overpowers me, and stops me from pursuing what I want in life. These deep emotional wounds I carry seem to never leave me, and I find them day after day pushing me into a even deeper depression than before. My life is filled with emptiness, and wasted ambitions. I’ve found myself wanting to sleep forever at times, or just be completely numb for the rest of my life. Anything to escape this pain and loneliness, anything to not feel the heartbreak I have experienced in my life and in the 3 short relationships I’ve been in.

So I hope with all my heart I can get better, and overcome all of this that I struggle with. I’ll just keep pressing forward, and try my best to fulfill my goals and aspirations. Thanks for anyone who read this, best of wishes to everyone on here. I hope you all get better soon.

I’m an 18 year old white American from suburbia, about to attend a prestigious four-year university in my home state. Decent grades, somewhat financially stable, and no trauma or despair in my life right now. Having said that, I fell headfirst into depression roughly two years ago. I don’t know why, and I haven’t been formerly diagnosed. But there hasn’t been a single day that has gone by these past two years when I have just wanted to jump off the nearest tall building. I tend to only be tired in the daytime, and even though I don’t nap I stay up all night. The most infuriating thing to me personally is that I am a very logical, cause-and-effect sort of person. So the fact that I am depressed seems ridiculous to me, especially when I cannot trace its origin. Though a secret, twisted side of me wants to be depressed, wants to appear inhibited so I can overcome everybody’s expectations. A giant “FU” to the world and nature telling them that I can beat whatever they throw at me. I sort of relate it to the TV show House, where Dr. House has his leg and pill addiction, and while drawing attention to it, he surpasses all criticism and doubt. I want an obstacle to overcome, which makes me think that it may be all in my head. In which case I must be truly insane.

Back after a short stay. I can’t believe I am still here. I hate myself for being in pure health at 62… Thinking the chardonnay should be having some serious physical screw ups by now… I am dead.

Still alive and trying to decide what will be my next step. Posted here before. I have nothing left. I forgot what happiness is and can’t remember the last time I actually laughed. I had a great life and many good friends. Now I am sad, lonely, miserable, and feel mentally paralyzed. I never had children because I always knew I had serious mental issues and I would come to this point in my life and it has finally arrived. I am positive there is something on the other side. This can’t be it. If so, what a sick joke.

‘Life is suffering’

The first rule of Buddhism, and although I’m not religious, I agree with the principle entirely. Whatever you do, it will lead back to suffering/desire.

Death is inevitable; there is no angry god to appease and no hell to avoid, yet our primal instincts inhibit most of us from speeding our own exits from this pointless life of pain.

Suicide is selfish, in that those left behind have to suffer your passing.

Life is pointless and our existence is purely by chance (evolution). We sit on a dying rock, falling through space and none of it matters.

On that cheerful note, I’m off to fill my face with cheesecake, until that leads me back to suffering (guilt, fatness, and internal discomfort).

Sweet dreams.

I have been waiting to die since age 6… Four decades into it…

This is the first time I’ve seen this site. I have the same Google story as many of you. I heard a Mennonite pastor talk about how consciously focusing your attention on gratitude (on a regular basis) can be pleasant and healing. I try to do this and it does help. I’m so grateful to have found this site and to all of you who have posted. I echo much of what many of you have already posted. I am also waiting. Sometimes when I’m very down I envision God holding me in His (or Her) big strong arms and loving me until I fall asleep.

I am wishing all of us little windows of Peace.

I’m just waiting to die too. Just tired of people treating me like crap, filling me with hope so they can put me down. I already feel like I have lived my life badly and there is absolutely nothing to look forward too. What’s worse is that I am too full of emotion. I just how people are so intent to make you miserable because you are not on a higher plane or status like they are. Only being rich would make me happy but that would never happen. There are times that I like helping others and hope they are happy; but now I just want to be away because no one would appreciate my efforts anyway.

I haven’t posted for over a year. Guess I’m not feeling so good. In bed all the time again. The neighbor’s house burnt down and basically took ours with it, left just a shell. I was in bed watching Yentl at the time. Tapered off my meds after that and went jogging a lot and I seemed fine. Then we found a new place and the day after we signed the contract I realized we were between 2 phone transmitters, Ive suffered from chronic itching for a long time, lived under one before when they first came out. Did a water fast. Spent about 6 months out of the country and have come back to find the signal even stronger, my wife doesn’t believe they cause any harm so now there is more tension than usual and itching! Went to Eckhart Tolle retreat. Still keep thinking about suicide between really good meditations. I’m really fighting myself. Really don’t want to confront anything. Just found out yesterday an old friend committed suicide. Felt really useless.

Just finished reading Jed McKenna. Thanks