Just waiting to die

Depression Sucks. I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. Depression Sucks. I’ve been wanting to get over these feelings I’ve been having for quite some time now. I’ve upped my dose of Prozac to 40 mg daily from 20 mg daily, but it doesn’t seem to be any better than when I was taking 30 mg. I’ve been really searching for alternatives to taking this medication. I don’t like being on it. I’ve been on it since 2000. That’s four years of not being able to cry.

Of course, the reason I am on it is that the alternative situation is worse: sinking into severe depression. Typically, I just sleep a lot. That’s probably the major symptom for me. And it is related to another symptom: lack of motivation. At my worst, I feel so unmotivated and heavy in my chest that it seems that if I were to stop moving, I’d fall over and just lie on the ground till I expired. Happy thought, no?

But lately, over this last winter, I’ve been noticing other things about my state of mind. And these clue me in to the fact that the medication isn’t really helping, or at least it isn’t bringing me to the level of normal emotional functioning. Currently, I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure. Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards.

It’s this last self-revelation that told me that I might not be normal. It’s hard to know what normal is, even for the healthy, but I can’t imagine that most people are walking around out there just waiting to die. So I must be an anomaly.

Yet, I’m not totally sick. I know this because I can still concentrate enough to read (and apparently write), I get my work done every week (editing research papers), and I manage (most of the time) to drag myself to Swing Dancing three times a week (which is where my friends are). But beyond that, my life is quite empty. I long for some happiness or passion.

Neither my mentor nor my girlfriend understand why I am taking this medication, perhaps because there is no concept of clinical depression in the Chinese mindspace, or perhaps because medicine isn’t something you take forever. I hope that this blog entry will at least help them to see that my depression is real and that (perhaps) the medication is keeping me afloat. I don’t really want to see how far I would sink if I were to stop taking it. But I do long for an alternative. In any case, I need to find something better.

165 thoughts on “Just waiting to die

  1. Peace

    Nothing excites me. And nothing looks appealing enough to pursue, either. In fact, I feel like an old person just waiting to die, like I’ve experienced all that life has to offer and that I, at some point, stumbled upon what I was supposed to do in this life, and now there’s nothing left to do or work towards. It’s not that I’ve lost hope. Life does seem like it’s worth living. I’ve just lost vision—there’s nothing to work towards.

    This is amazing, because this is exactly how I’ve felt and reasoned for many years now, and at least some form of this my whole life. It’s good to know there are others. Misery doesn’t mind company i guess, love is too strong of a word. I feel nothing, and having a bigger family (through sister’s marriage) means nothing to me the same as fraternities, clubs and other social groupings meant nothing to me in school. Here is a small sample from what I wrote before: “I’ve had enough, and an extra day, month or 60 years are not going to bring me more satisfaction. Everything here is in the realm of the senses, and what remains is thought, so if I haven’t found lasting satisfaction yet, having more of those sense and mental experiences isn’t going to bring me closer.

    “I am living by ‘inertia’, trying to be a good person in the meantime. The causes that have created this person have not yet been exhausted”

    …you get the picture…What’s even worse is that I don’t think I really want to change. Having no fear is a good thing, and delighting in aging, as if it’s graduation that’s approaching, versus fearing aging and death’s approach is also good.

  2. Darren Post author

    Peace:

    Woah! When I first saw your comment, it was in the inbox of my email account, waiting for approval. So I didn’t have my post as a context. So when you quoted my words back at me, I didn’t quite recognize them as my own. Thus my first thought was, “Woah! This person is really messed up!” Then I realized it was me. ;)

    Thanks for sharing. I can relate to how you feel, although at this point in my life I’ve moved beyond the severe depression that I was in five months ago. (Thankfully!) It was truly awful. I’ve since come off the medication (my own choice) and let myself open up to my feelings again. It was a bit of a risk to take (as I over-emphasized in my post above), but I’m glad I did it. I just needed the right circumstance to do it. I turned 30 in January and I think the damage that my teens did to my life and the torture of my twenties are over and paid for. I can honestly say that I’m at the happiest point in my life, although describing it as “happy” isn’t quite accurate. It’s more “spiritually satisfied” with myself and the Universe.

    Having that lack of meaning—as I had, and you continue to have—is a very weighty burden. It pains me to hear that you’ve felt this way throughout your life. The desire to “check out” or my “just waiting to die” is probably the best way to describe the feeling of futility in carrying on with life. But unless the cowardly act of suicide is taken, the body must be fed and cared for, and so the body drags the dead soul’s spirit around with it.

    The hope I offer out of this terrible state is a lesson I draw from astrological traditions, that is, of cycles. Everything changes in this world and a person’s life evolves in complex, interwoven cycles. So as we are carried along in this life through circumstances we can’t control, and as we face these circumstances and make choices to pass through the fire, we can count on only one thing: change. And things may change without or within. And it’s the latter that can put us back on the path of meaning. Sometimes just waiting is the answer, be it hopeful waiting or just being open to receive the message.

    I hope to hear from you again. There’s much more to say.

  3. peggy

    Hello. I too have lost the lust for life. I exsist only because of the furry four legged friends I have. I have been in love twice. The last being 13 years ago. I have taken care of my deceased grandfather and grandmother in thier homes. I now take care of my mother who is in the endstages of emphysemia. I do not take any kinds of depression meds. Instead my drug of choice is alcohol. I will be honest here since all of you will have no bias. I recieve little or no help from my family. I now also have my 1st stepfather living with us along with my 2nd stepfather who is married to my mother. I have just recently recieved my 2nd DUI. I have gained 100 lbs in the last 8 years. My father (the real one died when I was 9) . I still continue to drink 2 to 3 times a week. I am a veterinary technician I quit my job last year to go to school as a medical coder. I will get my certificate next month. I still have some bestfriends, although I have burned many bridges. I know I must quit drinking and loose the weight but I no longer have the desire or the drive to do it. I am 42 years old with no chance of having any children let alone a husband. As I have isolated my self from making any human relationships. I keep to my safe zone. I now work part time as a dental assistant and with a dog breeder. I now just wait for life to end. The only reason I get up is because of my dogs, horses and cat. I have never been a people person. Hell I only touch my mother when I have to bathe her or change her clothes, while she always reaches out to me for the touch. The Touch.
    I crave for love and someone to care and touch me but I know my weight gain is a wall to prevent this. I am in tears now because I am telling you this because you are all anonomous. My heart is heavy. Apparently I am not supposed to feel. I recently had a pet of mine pass away.. Granted he was just an iguana, but everyone said ” He was just a lizard”. But I still felt and everyone thought I should’nt have. Know why?? because I have everything so bottled up I let some of it go when he died. There is alot more.
    I don’t believe in antidepressent drugs. I do know that I must walk. Just like Ceasar Milan the dog whisperer. These crazy dogs are so cooped up they go nuts.. all they need or anyone needs is a good long walk. I walk with the dogs mostly, sometimes, never with a person. Don’t like people much, don’t trust them either. been hurt too much by them. GIVE ME A DOG ANYDAY!!
    They love you unconditionally as any animal would.

    Still love to grow things can’t wait to get into the garden.
    Would have loved to marry and have kids now its too late
    Who would be interested in me the way I am right now???
    Its too late for everything for me isn’t it???

    well thats it for now. I feel pretty shitty.

    a poem from my grandmothers cookbook I found. I am going to try to use it

    a new day. This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is very important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
    When tomarrow comes this day will be gone forever, leaving something in its place. I have traded for it… I want it to be gain, not loss.. Good, not evil…Success, not failure, inorder that I shall not forget the price I paid for it. Author unknown

  4. Nelson

    Wow. After 44 years on this miserable planet I finally found my twin. With the exception that I don’t think this life is worth living, I feel the same way. I’m not much of a writer and I don’t have much to say, right now. I would, however, like to hear more from you.

  5. reaper

    your not the only guy to feel like this.im 36 living in AUSTRALIA,ive had deppression for most of my life,from being picked on at school, to having a wife that would slash her wrist every time we had a fight.
    i would stay at work as long as possible so i would not come home to a body in the bathtub.overdoses and slashing wrists were common.
    had to quit my job as a manager on a farm , after 6 months of spewing and shitting my guts out every day.dozen of blood test and other test revealed nothing.
    these were syptoms i went through before my nervous breakdown.
    just want to die and get it over with.im on efexor xr 150mg daily.

  6. Shauna

    waiting to die. that’s all. just waiting. waiting peacefully. don’t want to upset my family with suicide, so i just wait.

  7. Brian

    I also wait..my depression is caused by so many things most is from panic attacks. I am house bound from them. My parents pay for me I rarily have worked in my life. They do not read about my disorder to try to understand it more (the panic attacks) they just want me on pills which i have tried. I am 30 by the way.

    I once asked my mom why she won’t atleast go on the computer and read about my illness..she said “because when i get home from work i just want to drink my bottled water and rest”

    i feels so many conflicting feelings..i need their money to stay alive .. but if I was well i don’t think i would have been bothered with them all these years..besides money they havent been very helpful or understanding.

    my mom recently when we were fighting over my illness yet again said “you aren’t sick you are a lazy bastard” i know it was said during a fight but it still bothers me.

    I feel very trapped in a circle with them, my illness and what to do. I have suffered from this since i was 15.

    thanks for listening.

  8. Bob

    Man do I know what you are talking about. My life has been stolen away by never ending depression. I have treated for 26 years now and nothing works, NOTHING. It has now broken my physical health. I am 54 years old, and virtually a pauper. I would be living on the if it weren’t for my elderly mother.

    I have taken every anti-depressant they make from a to z and back again. Nothing works. I have taken prozac, no reults whatsoever. I only get the side effects. The side effects are always there, always, the reliedf NEVER.

    When I was young they told me something was wrong with my brain. Taking the anti-depressants was supposed to “make my life work and then I wouldn’t need them anymore. Bullshit.

    Even tnough I have a very high intelligence all I have ever had is grunt jobs that wouldn’t pay enough to live on. I have slept in barns, on the side of the road, in 18 wheeler trailers and so on. No wife, children, never owned a home. I need dental work to the tune of about $15,000 to save my teeth, what few I have left. I blame the anti-depressants for the tooth loss. You know, the never ending dry mouth.

    These drugs have revved up my nerves to the point that when people I don’t even know (and all I know are strangers) ask me, “are you all right? You look like you need to calmm down”. My speech is so pressured that when I do get to converse with another human, they force their way in and tell me, “You need to calm down”. This is the ultimate in human suffering.

    I think this stuff is genetic, so I guess it is good I have no children. I will be 55 soon and death cannot come soon enough for me. It is all I have to look forward to. Death is the only cure my friend. This is an incurable diseaase and it drives everybody away from you even your own family. I will die alone, I don’t have the money to pay for my funeral and I can’t think of one person I could name as a pallbearer. But at that point, I won’t have to worry about it.

    I had so much talent and intelligence as a child. Straight A student. Top of the class every year. Now I am a pauper and have been one for decades. I have not be able to experience one frigging thing that other Americans take for granted. Death to me looks like a vacation. A permanent vacation. It is awful “funny” to me this country could put a man on the moon 37 years ago, but they can’t come up with a treatment for this life destroying disease. Bob

  9. Hammerspur

    I typed the title of this page into search for the hell of it since it’s the feeling I frequently experience. I’ve tried so many anti-depressant meds I can’t remember half of them any more.

    I was on Prozac for several years. It worked tremendously for a while then I’d have a major collapse. Upping the dose would correct it in a couple days, I’d be good for another several months (NO depression at all!) then the cycle would repeat. The doctor I was seeing at the time eventually added an augment when I reached absolute maximum on the Prozac: Welbutrin. Same cycle continued for another year or two… fantastic functioning for some time, depression recurring, increased dosage returning me to “sea level.” It was like being a junkie, but it DID allow me to feel alive and function at the level I like to part of the time.

    Eventually, taking a maximum dose of Prozac and Welbutrin daily, I took one day’s dose a bit late, the next day’s first thing the following morning and suffered a grand mal seizure while riding my motorcycle, just wonderful.

    The physician I was seeing died and I went through several after that. One moved out of state, another I characterize as running a ‘dog hospital’, her main focus being behavioral disorders… client base being mostly bad kids, alcoholics, etc.

    I started seeing yet another at someone else’s recommendation. I took a couple days out of work some time back due to severe symptoms and asked him for a note to cover me. He refused by saying “Why, because YOU say so?” What a f-in’ quack, how the Hell else could he know what I’m going through?! Many patients operate under the fantasy that their doctor is omnicient, this friggin’ shrink thinks HE is!

    I’m stuck with this solipsistic egomaniac for the time being in order to continue using him as my ‘connection’ for Cymbalta… it doesn’t help that much, but it seems to prevent sinking completely into the abyss at least. The prospect of trying to find another, more qualified clinician is just too daunting to face at this time.

  10. Nate

    Well, I’ve also been patiently waiting to die. Death has always excited me. To find out what happens and see if this life matters. I can say I’m completely healthy. I support myself, am involved wiht family and friends, and I”m a very positive person. But this evening it did suddenly occur to me, that I am just waiting to die. Over life my emotional experiences are always looked at by me through the third person. Well, this is happening now, ok. Then I deal with it accordingly. I feel my greatest pain is thought, as it most likely is with everyone else here. It’s not just this ominous feeling I can’t shake. It’s reason. Reasonably, all religions are empty. All have been created by man, for man, to blindly accept and count on rather than face their own thoughts objectively only to find no answer. So there is me. My thoughts. There is the realization that I’ll do everything in this life the way it’s supposed to be done. Its makes life easier. Work, for money, to live comfortably without shit from people. WHen you support yourself, you don’t have to deal with as many people. It’s easier to remove yourself when you can afford you’re own place. I don’t know. No one does. That’s the point, thats the frustration.

  11. Rachael

    I’m 19, not of ‘sound’ mind and I’m just waiting. Days blur into weeks, weeks blur into months and so on. I’ve never taken anti-depressants, nor do I intend to, but what do I know in taking care of myself, or those around me; I’m 19, right? I’ve experienced brief moments of happiness—they never seem genuine. Neither do my moments of complete and utter despair, for similar reasons. My eyes serve as a lens that my mind barely controls; I’m an observer of my own life/liminal waiting room. One elaborate doctors lounge where nothing changes, nothing excites and the doctor never seems to deliver anything useful. My body is progressively dying. There is talk of M.S., but that’s all inconclusive. There is so much around me to see (this is the want of hope in me, I guess) that I obviously don’t. Other people see it, why can’t I? Perhaps I do. Perhaps there is just a giant void that the ‘normal’ choose to ignore and I don’t. I have an exam tomorrow. I’m a theatre student. This may be the problem. I’ve often thought that genuine acting is a form of glorified schizophrenia. Yet all I want to do right now is escape. I’ve already tried to persuade friends to share a bottle of brandy or take a tent out of town with me tonight. It doesn’t matter if I pass this exam; it’s just a painful interlude in my week. I’ll have forgotten all about it the day after: one meaningless day after another. Somehow I have the ability to excite others, yet I can’t excite myself. Everything people see of me is a flashy facade. Only the dregs of my thoughts verbalize themself, but hey… there’s words explained in an inarticulate nutshell. Religion is purely fictitious, a child’s bedtime story gone awry. I’ve witnessed my parents gradually lose the desire to think freely and adopt everyone else’s opinions. Granted, I’ve only known them for 19 years. They’re devout Presbyterians. They seem happy. I never wanted their kind of happiness. There isn’t anything or anyone that I can honestly say I’m attached to. I have lots of what would be deemed ‘friends’ (Although I’m not sure by whom); I am an attractive engaging person and I have a little of the innocence of youth on my side- YET… I’M BORED. I’M SO SO BORED. I don’t wish death upon myself, yet, but I need something. Perhaps I should get a dog…

  12. Jennifer

    Hello to all fellow people who are waiting like me to just die…
    I am 36 years old. I could sit here and write my life story but I don’t feel like it. Been depressed on and off my whole life but this time it feels like the worst. I have never waited to die before. I cannot keep or find a job, my kids are better off without me and I know now that I will never get married. I don’t know why this whole life is revolved around “love” there is no such thing. People who say they are in love are stupid. So now I am off to my new pathitic job, just trying to pay my rent and feed myself until I die, which I hope comes soon because this life sucks, and I tried to commit suicide before but didn’t suceed and ended up in a nut hospital, something I do not want to repeat.

  13. Blah

    I don’t know if anyone will ever read this. I’m writing it almost two years after the original posting.

    I’m a 27 year old artist and I havn’t painted, written or created anything worth while in the past 12 months. I have been obsessed with art, philosophy and science my entire life, but as of the last year I’ve found I have lost my passion for everything excluding my misanthropic distain for people, which has evolved into a ever growning state of nightmarish disbelief. I have severed contact with friends and family for no better reason than I could’nt be bothered. I destroy opportunities and continually self sabotage because starting anything new seems completly futile.
    I have always been somewhat depressed, but have avoided medication out of fear of the side effects rendering me unproductive. Ironically it seems being unmedicated has left me in the same state.

    I don’t know what has happened that’s left me so paralised. There is a condition I have read about, I can’t recall it’s clinical name, but it derived from an experiment that was conducted where they took three groups of people and exposed them all to three different series of photographs depicting tooth decay in three different stages. Group one where shown the image’s of clean healthy teeth and the following reseach revealed that they continued their own dental heigene much the same as they did before they saw the photographs. Group two where shown photographs of mildly decayed teeth and their follow up studies showed they too continued brushing much the same as pre exposure to the images, which brings us to group three. Group three where shown photographs of horribly decayed, disfigured teeth and mouths. Apparently upon the subsequent follow up research, they found a certain percentage of group three stoped brushing their teeth all together. They just gave up. That faced with something that seemed so inevitable, they just quit.

    I feel that this is somehow related this topic. At least to my experience of it. Maybe at the base of everyone’s problem here is not that they’re just waiting to die, but are actually afraid to die and are paralised by the idea?

  14. Hammerspur

    “…not that they’re just waiting to die, but are actually afraid to die…”

    How about afraid to live, afraid of the emptiness of it all?

    It often seems to me that many others possess a genuine desire to go about the routines of living with the belief that it’s ALL worth doing. I look at many, if not most of these rituals as mindless convention or force of habit… but if dispensed with, what does one replace them with?

    I have some ideas that fit comfortably enough for me, but it does grow wearisome having only my dogs to share these occasions. The people I know are all too busy doing “what everybody else does” or “what you’re supposed to do”.

    Take this holiday season… if not religious (superstitious?) you have only the socio-ritualism and crass materialism left. If I want to bestow some object or service upon another as a token of my fondness or appreciation for this person I can and will do so any time I feel moved to. Why an artificial, prescribed time?

    But not jumping up and down with glee at the mere mention of the season labels me as odd. Hasn’t anyone else actually thought out what’s afoot here with this structured/imposed season of so-called charity and fuzzy-warmth?

    “my misanthropic disdain for people, which has evolved into a ever growing state of nightmarish disbelief. ”

    I’ll second that.

    I see much of the behavior engaged in by society-at-large as only slightly removed and remodeled from a pack of stone-aged primitives dancing around a blazing fire at midnight and waving spears. Refusal to conform to the mandatory, pre-ordained rituals of which they slavishly partake inspires them to wave those ‘spears’ at the perceived offender.

    Here I am, born a social organism yet unable to connect to others in any meaningful way… two marriages down the drain, a seriously mentally ill and cruel adult son the product of the first… a handful of friends, one or two close ones who are all far too absorbed in their struggle to make ends meet/get ahead and nurture their bonds with SO’s to be anything but infrequent and brief visitors to my planet.

    What should I do, jump into performing the meaningless rituals alongside them to stave off isolation?

    I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. I find myself sitting there alone in the crowd wondering what the Hell I, myself, am supposed to add to this incoherent din.

    Ugh, Happy Holidays….?

  15. Blah

    “How about afraid to live, afraid of the emptiness of it all?”

    Meaning doesn’t exist within the universe, the universe is impartial, it doesn’t care if you live or die, if your happy or sad, if your in pain or not, Humans create meaning because they’re afraid of the alternative. They make plans as if they’re going to live forever. They have DVD collections pretending there’s enough time in their life to necessitate owning thousands of hours of video. Don’t be afraid of the emptiness of it all, that’s the reassuring part. That’s the proof that there is no god, and when you die it will be like it was before you where born and when you go to sleep every night and don’t dream. Nothingness.

    “I look at many, if not most of these rituals as mindless convention or force of habit… but if dispensed with, what does one replace them with?”

    I guess that’s when you invent your own rituals, if you must.

    I think people who aren’t content with partaking in social norms, and therefore feel cut off from society can still develop some semblance of their own “meaning”, even if that answer is that there is no meaning. History is awash with outsider figures.

    I find reading literature from like minded people comforting when I can’t find anyone tangible who seems to share any of my feelings.

  16. Barry

    It’s a cosmic mess. Everything. A stupid pointless fluke. And you’re medicating becuase you can’t ignore it like everyone else.

  17. Busybee

    Afraid to live, afraid to die? Maybe the word here is fear. Fear that you might get something you like and then lose it. Yeah, I agree, there doesn’t seem to be any point. The only thing I do is search out what I consider to be beautiful and lovely and just appreciate that for whatever merit it has. No expectations, no fear of losing the beauty after I’ve found it, but just cherishing it in the moment. Every time I notice I’m feeling way down, I force myself to look for something beautiful and l smile, at least for a little while. This way, at least while I’m waiting to die, I’ve had some enjoyment along the way.

  18. Chuck

    I can’t believe that someone else feels like I do; I also feel like I am just waiting to die. I try to keep myself busy and entertain. Not for any other purpose (however) but to help time go by a little quicker. I don’t know if I have any fears. I don’t feel too many emotions and everything to me is always okay (e.g. whether someone cuts in front of me in line, drives too slow in the fast line, criticism, etc.). Not that I don’t care. I am just waiting so there is not any significance to becoming upset or involved.

    I have tried Prozac in the past. But it didn’t seem to affect me much. Just made me care less about life.

    I feel like Shauna’s comment. I don’t want to upset anyone so I don’t think I’ll kil myself. I am just waiting as time goes by very slowly.

  19. Allison

    Hmmm, my thoughts are a little different but truly related. I just came from a hypnosis session and afterwards realized that I have been only going through the motions of living because I’m waiting to die. My mother became hospitalized when I was six and for eight years she was dying and we knew it. I just now realized that I’ve been viewing life that way. I am actually sitting here numb because I don’t know what is next for me. I have suffered from depression most of my life and I am now 50. The only times I was really feeling joy was when I went on a no wheat, dairy, alcohol or sugar diet. By ten weeks I was connecting with everyone and everything on earth. All the answers were crystal clear. I would wake up in the morning and know exactly what my path was going to be and I was passionate every minute of the day. Everything I needed would just come into my life or I would create it out of what I already had. It was amazing. But each time I got to that amazing place, something would trigger me to eat off of my diet and I would crash back into not knowing what my path was and not feeling passionate about anything. On the diet it usually took me two weeks to start feeling anything and it was exactly two weeks when the twin towers were hit by the terrorists. I felt the pain of all of it. I was so grateful to be feeling such sadness and not have to just fake it. I have missed out on so much feeling in my life. My son suffers from the same thing. He came home from college hoping to ‘feel’ the foliage like he did when he was a child but he didn’t feel it. He is a very artistic person, a wonderful writer like so many of you, and he is so sad to know that he is missing life the way many people experience it. He is trying aderall but I think that it doesn’t allow him to feel his passion.

    I have recently discovered that my thyroid is low, even though the tests are normal. there is a website called ‘stop the madness’ that is a patient to patient website with many people who were depressed and sick that are getting better with thyroid meds. it is worth checking out. many people these days have low thyroid because our food chain is so defunct of nutrients. it is worth checking out. if you want to try the diet route stick with meats (no processed like deli), vegees, brown rice, quinoa. try it for a couple of weeks, you’ll know by then if it is going to work. the first two weeks are a killer, expect to spend lots of down time. don’t take anything seriously unless you have a counselor or energy worker to help you through the old ghosts that pop up. just say this is not real and it will go away. forget about dairy for now. on the sixth day that i gave up dairy, i jumped out of bed and started to organize my closet. the energy was amazing. i immediately said, ‘so this is how normal people think.’

    thanks for your comments.

  20. Judy

    I actually had the realization that I am waiting to die. And I asked myself WHY I AM WAITING TO DIE? It’s amazing that many have thought and said this exact phrase. I came out of my room crying and asking myself this and I was so tired of this feeling that I went on line and typed “Why i am waiting to die?” and the third result was this blog.

    This are parts of what I wrote about how I feel today:

    “I am scared to start life, to make a commitment to something.
    I will graduate from college and have no plans of what to do after.
    I hate it when people ask me what I am going to do, because I answer
    a pathetic I don’t know. I want to do something meaningful that helps others, but I’m scared to commit cause I feel that I’ll have to give up all comforts. I don’t see how I can volunteer or work for people that really are in need, and try to live a decadent life of party, dancing, etc. I also feel that having a social life is meaningless, which stops me from even attempting to call someone and do something.

    That is my conflict I feel like I have to choose between a decadent life
    or a altruistic but deprived or uncomfortable life.

    Today is a bad day because I have no life.

    I have my family but they are doing their own things, and it makes me
    realize how useless mine is. Staying at home alone is not good.

    At first I enjoy the quite and freedom from not having my family home.
    But then as the afternoon progresses I start getting manic.

    That is how I usually am if I spend a Saturday or Sunday home alone.
    I will have a manic time of happiness and motivation but as the afternoon progresses I become depressed.

    (Cut; talk about ex boyfriend and nostalgia, realizing i took him for granted)

    So while in my pathetic moods of self pity, nostalgia, disgust, I forgot I had to pick up teenage kid from church I realized 40 minutes after the pick up time. I called… luckily his parents were able to pick him up. This of course makes me feel like shit. It makes me unreliable, which I don’t want to be. I think most people think that of me. That I’m not reliable.

    So I went to my room, and feeling like shit for forgetting, and I started crying. Then I started crying because I am tired of feeling how I do. I ask myself why I have been like this for so long. I remember being in this house doing the same things and wanting to never to do it again.
    It’s like a déjà vu, i remember feeling the same way crying, disgusted and enraged in my room and I telling myself I don’t want to do this again.

    When I was in my room crying I think of my old neighbor and how she is in her home, abandoned unloved and almost uncared for by her daughter. I first hate myself because although I know she is in need I don’t do anything. My excuse of course is I’m depressed. But also I find a parallel with her and myself. It dawned on me she is waiting to die. Then I cry and ask my self WHY AM I WAITING TO DIE? That is how I feel about my life. Like I am wasting time, being depressed and sleeping and doing nothing. Like for example instead of feeling like shit and doing nothing in my room, wasting time, I could be out doing something living, hanging out with people. That’s another thing. I have no friends. Not one calls me at all. But basically what made me get up and write this was WHY AM I WAITING TO DIE?”

    I thank Darren for having the courage to post a blog about his depression. Sometimes I feel like there is a stigma about depression. I feel guilty for feeling like this, when I have so many things to be grateful for. Any how this blog has giving me hope, and also made me realize that I am not the only one that feels like this and that there is hope for CHANGE!

  21. mauro

    it is incredible how i relate to these people. I too have had chronic depression and anxiety a condition which has worsened since my mother passed away. now iam totally digusted by life and really want to die. i am not muself anymore and i used to like me. i have to end this eventually, it isjust too painful. i also spent 2 yrs in my room 20 yrs ago but believe or not never made a suicide attempt.but came out of it i saw what i can accomplish when i feel ok. Now i just want to exit. You people who have never suffered from depression do not know how fortunate you are. My only source of well-being my mom has passed away at 59 and i am so fed up with this stinkin life.my moms unconditional love had come a long way for me and did have powerful healing power. I have tried meds, psychotherapy, cognitive behaviurial therapy and nothing. I despise those who pass judgement on us. I am just destined for bad luck over and over again. Some say accwpt it how ridiculous is that how can u accept being tortured day in and day out. Here is my suggestion it’s not worthed u try and try hard and after that if depression persists then sayonarra.

    i have a plan and date and the time has come, it is not humane to live like this. ironically i respect myself too much to live like this.

    conventional medicine what a joke, can u feel the anger

    we will never be cured, my healer is gone and soon so will i

    thx
    bless u all

  22. Hammerspur

    I swear I cannot take much more of this… this constant struggle against difficulties which are not of my making. I’ve been taking a beating from all sides for three months. Retirement account problems, bad credit, court judgments against me for debts I never owed, no recourse offered from any corner; mechanic troubles, my truck runs OK now but makes a rapping noise upon startup; my dog bites me and infects my hand… I’ve been sick for days. Even the antibiotic is making me very nauseous. The staffing office gives me static about my Doctor’s notes excusing me from work, another trip to the Tx center required for amended version, in addition to the three made already for care. A call today to the attorney who I’ve already written for an exculpatory letter nets only abusive dialog and hang up by the secretary. Today yet another credit report from TransUnion arrived still bearing the court judgment against my credit. I’ve yet to be paid for the eyeglasses broken at work two years ago. If one more tragedy, even one of minor magnitude befell me at this moment, I think I’d go upstairs and load a gun.

    It’s hard to see how this experience called life is anything but an ordeal… a long series of mistreatments, abuses, manipulations, being taken for granted, rebuffed, belittled, ridiculed, mocked and vilified. I really want no more of it at this moment, there is so scant a selection of potential positives on the menu. What few there are come prepared or served in such a way as to render them next to unpalatable or producing of nausea. No good entree comes without damaging baggage to be suffered and endured later.

    I perform as the dutiful housemate, pet owner, public employee, citizen, you name it. What it obtains is most certainly not freedom from undeserved missiles being hurled. No, crossing the tees and dotting the ayes does not insulate me from anything. I am a victim of others, agencies, the system, whatever… all not due to my errors. Am I wearing a bullseye on my back?

  23. Darren Post author

    Dear Hammerspur:

    Wow, it sounds like you’re suffering through a lot. I wish I knew what to say that could be helpful. Well, you shared your thoughts so all I can do is share mine. We’ll call it an even trade, okay?

    Recently, I’ve hit a crisis moment in my own life that has me searching for what went wrong in the last two years, and what I need to do to get out of it. It’s caused me to start seeking wise direction from without and peaceful answers from within. An amazing array of books, movies, conversations I’ve been having, etc. have all been teaching me the same thing: That I create my reality. That is, the thoughts I think and the expectations I have (consciously and unconsciously) attract and bring about the circumstances I find myself in moment to moment. It’s a “truth” I’ve only just started to explore and test.

    Your message seems draped in the language of victimhood. You see yourself as a victim of circumstances and the “target” of other people’s abuse. Certainly, I can’t see how you’ve “created” these circumstances and I doubt you could see that either. But, I do know happiness is a choice and ultimately there are no victims. We see ourselves as victims because we choose to. We give away our power. To undo this, I say, choose the opposite. Let go. Stop trying to control the others and stop fighting it. Jesus said, if someone takes your coat, give him your shirt as well. If someone strikes you on your right cheek, offer him your left. Realize that the money and “being right” can’t make you happy.

    A first step is to begin by being thankful. Everyone has many things to be thankful for. It just takes a mind shift to see it. You’ve got talents (you write well), for one thing. Food, clothes, internet access, someone to listen to you, sunshine, even rain. So, if you can, try turning into a thankful person. The world around you will start changing to reflect this change in you. Hope is all you need, and you have hope, or you wouldn’t have bothered to write out your frustrations with life.

    I’ll leave you with this link to an article I read this morning about the different levels of consciousness that we all inhabit. Maybe it will be helpful in showing you where the journey starts and where it goes.

    Peace.

    – Darren

  24. EILEEN

    I FEEL THERE IS NOTHING THAT MAKE SENSE IN LIFE I DONT REALY UNDERSTAND THE REASON OF EXISTING HERE OR BEING HERE AS A HUMAN.
    I THINK THERE IS NO BIG DIFFERENT TO DIE NOW OR LATER WHEN WE WILL ALL BE DEAD AT THE END…I ALSO EXPERIENCED A LOT AND I DID ALL I WANTED TO DO AND NOW THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT FIND THE WAY TO SUCEED BY HAVING A NICE CAREER I DONT GET THE FUCKING POINT…I DONT SEE THIS COULD MAKE ME WANT TO LIVE I GUESS THERE IS NO REASON FOR ME TO LIVE BECAUSE I DONT ENJOY MY EXISTANCE ITS NOT THAT I DONT GO FOR FUN, ITS JUST THAT WHEN I GO FO FUN I DONT REALY FEEL THE REAL SENSE OF IT
    I JUST WANNA DIE AND THE GET FUCK OUT OF HERE…IF I SUCEED I WOULD BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON EVER

  25. ARMAND

    Hi everyone,
    finally I felt I’m not alone after reading countless post in here. I’m a 31 year old male still single., and been suffering for 13 years now from manic depression Im taking 12mg Nozenan 3x a week and 1mg of Flouanxol daily.As my 6th psychiatrist’s advise Ill be taking meds for the rest of my life.
    I’ve also committed suicide before by lying on a kitchen knife and stuck my abdomen area 3x., and also slit my wrists..
    after 4 days and 4 nights of not being able to sleep , this was the effect on me of being in a stressful job and simultaneously trying to accomplish two more things at the same time.
    I remember during highschool there was no trace of me having a mental illness like these.But what i notice on myself then and there was my inability to be happy i was always anxious of my actions and how my thoughts are goin on.Ive tried to be good in every way and in evrything i do but there is always adrawback into these, I never really do things that i wanted to do much more figure out what activity should i do, its like living on a dream like state or wild fantasy.
    I guess I had with me my illness since chilhood but only surfaced when the moment comes that I had to lived the harsh realities of life.
    I’ve always been a cry baby even when it comes to relationships trying to fight it off by hurting my partners feeling without provocation because as my thinking goes it will never amount to anything. I was raised with a nanny who i believe influences me to behave and think this way because i was always been living in fear when i was a child always praying not to send me to hell crying every night, I cant blame my parents because they didnt know that im mentally being tortured by my nanny..As I was brainwashed and my mind as a child been tortured by sad events or future sad events that may or not may happen as always told to me by my nanny. Now that I grew up or slowly grew up. even though i might matured a little i cant get it away from my mind. So for me i guess for those sensitive little children its not advisable for you to let them grow under a custody of an abusive and frightening people who talks too much and plays around with the imagination of these little children if it weren’t good.
    So thats how far i can remember being the cause of my misery.
    I ask an apology for not being able to fully expressed my ideas as english is not my primary language.
    I’m literally waiting to die…
    I sleep to much but not really liking it Ive got this unknown fear and eventhough i dont have any resposibilities asssigned to me by my parents I still feel stressed out.Luckily I got two other siblings who are more or less normal and enthusiastic in their lives.also having parents who patiently looks after my basic necessities.
    Im afraid of going out and look for a job as my mental state is unstable.
    There are many times that i cried out to the Lord to take me from this world. i dont have any idea of what heaven or hell looks like but the pain of being where I am is just too great.
    I’ve got three major manic episodes in my life ,those where considered by doctors and so called experts as hallucinations and delusions but for me it was very very real..I got this unknown feeling that I do not belong here in the world, but really dont know where or how to go on with life…
    most of the time I got some weird and foul ideas like , I’m willing to give up my freewill if in return I will be experiencing happiness, guidance and direction. as for the present moment nothing really can inspire me or motivate me . even waking up in bed is very hard.. sometimes in my dreams I always have this past memories of friends and school and work over and over again.Im sick and tired of it. once in a while when my dream is good I really dont want to wake up. yeah I maybe a fool and lazy and always dreaming.. but this is how my life goes on and for nearly 2 and half years i stay inside my house not really leaving the house without any activity..
    so what is life.., its like hell and i guess if I die I’ll be ready for the real hell coz i was living at it at the very moment.
    I tried EFT, Self development programs, behavioral therapy for free as I have many psychologist friends and mentors..
    but I am really sad and depressed for no particular reason always imagining negative and bad things will happen and even if there is something nice or good I will just conclude that it wouldn’t last and its non sense and meaningless.
    How I wish we can all be friends here.. even with negative people around I still have hope maybe in atwinkle of an aye or something like a miracle my whole view about life would change.
    tnx for reading…and the time…

  26. The Madness Within

    Hey people!

    Im half with what you’re all sayin, but the difference is that i’m not depressed! It’s a twisted, confusing thing to think that a teenager such as myself can see no reason, no purpose to any form of life; and yet, here I am, making the odd wisecrack, enjoying a good sandwich here and there.

    I can see why we should be depressed. After all, we are mere hunks of meat, clinging to a lump of rock, pretending that there is something to live for, something to work towards – even, perhaps, something to die for.

    I’m not trying to force anyone to side with me, I’m not even asking anyone to care about what I think; but I think I’ve been happier since I accepted the collective demise of everyone, everything, and everywhere – and how insignificant even that (is?) will be. I think that if we are all going to die, we might as well ‘live’ our lives to have as much enjoyment as possible! I’m not saying we should go out and do something that costs a ridiculous and ever growing amount of money; I’m talking about the little things – sunsets, trees, friends…

    Through all this though, I remember the chilling truth that your friends, a forest, even the sun, which the Aztecs worshipped as a god, will die.

    This lust for a life that I know will end anyway enables me to take more risks than many people I know – how to laugh in the face of Death him(her? whatever)self. Realise that you have effectively always been in the face of death – perhaps not so close, but even the most hardened of us has laughed at some point.

    This ‘enlightenment’ has given me a ‘Madness Within’; a twisted, crazed, unexplainable fanaticism for anything that I want to do, regardless of the risk, purely spouting from my view of a meaningless existance in a pathetic place.

    If you’ve read the whole thing, thank you for reading! Thanks even if you’re merely reading this sentence. I love you guys!

  27. grettel

    I just typed in “waiting to die” on google and this came up. That phrase is something I am just doing now, until it happens. I feel as if I’ve spent all my life striving towards something, then I got to it, realised there was nothing there, and nothing beyond it. Just endless nothingness. I have suffered depression, and I no longer have it. I’ve done the medication thing, and it worked at the time. And yet with everything that happened, and with everything I’ve learnt, gained and lost, i’m left feeling so empty, flat and pointless that I almost wish I were still in the throes of depression. At least there was something to try for then. I’d hate to be the person who places themselves firmly in the victim role, and maybe I am. I don’t see there is anyone to blame for me feeling this way, I just do. I feel almost as if I’m in reality, and the rest of mankind are still delusional, thinking theres actually something to be vaguely excited about. I’m 27, and the thought of another 40 or so years of this, if this is all there is, makes me feel so tired. I feel like the mona lisa minus her smirk-blank and gormless. I want my joy back, but I’m afraid that its gone forever. I laugh and smile whens its appropraite, I make all the right noises and facial expressions, but inside I’m dead and rotting. Barely anything touches me. And I’m coming to believe, that this IS it. Its all there is. So I guess I’ll just keep on waiting……

  28. Jim

    I hear you all, and believe me, I have been there. I am 50 and for the last 5 years have dared every airplane I get on, to crash. Dared every one I meet in a bank to be a deranged robber and take me out, dared everyone in on coming traffic to take that quick swerve and meet me head on.

    I am a professional, make decent money, am respected in the community, etc, etc, etc. The point I make is, life is relatively good for me, but, this living stuff just sucks. Then, last December, I had an epiphany. It came to me that there is nothing in reality that has anything to do with religion. On the other hand, in a sense, we have been around for billions of years if you consider the atoms that make up your bodies. We are not, we are, and then we are not again. But kinda, sorta we are always part of the physical universe.

    Read about the last day of Socrates and the reason he did not dread dying. It is so true. What better sleep can there be? But, you cannot rush it. Look forward to it, but you can’t cause it. Once you get into that line of thinking, life is actually endurable. Kind of like saying, “I can put up with this for a day, knowing that my rest will be forever after my day is done.” You get to take nothing with you. Not your millions of dollars, or your burlap shirt. Ahh, the great equalizer.

    Religion is just a fool’s promise. There is no afterward, it is strictly “lights out.” But isn’t that better? An eternity of consciousness seems to me to be nothing but Hell.

    So, bring it on!! Maybe today, maybe next week, maybe 2050, but my vote is earlier than later. In the meantime, I will be a good guy and play by the rules, take care of my wife and kids, treat my friends with the respect they deserve and do all the things society requires of the good participants. But I will camp alone in Alaska in the wild. I will sky dive. I will walk where I want, when I want, with little regard for the usual warnings of “it is not safe!!”. And if I die a pretty stupid death (Oh shit, bastard got eaten by a goddamn bear! Sonofabitch should have seen it coming) well, fuck me! A thousand years from now, neither I, nor anyone else is going to care a rat’s ass about anything that happened today involving me or Mike Gates, George Bush or you!

    No one makes it out alive, everyone!! Don’t put too much energy into the crappy hand you were dealt. If you think you fucked up, well, look ahead, not behind. Think you got a raw deal, probably you are right. All men (or women) are not created equally. Some are better looking and have the world handed to them. Some are smarter and take over the world. Some are born into wealth and can buy the world. But, everyone ends up in the same place after a couple of decades. Don’t consider your worth by comparing your life with others. Consider your life by comparing it to anyones elses’ life in two hundred years from now.

    All that said, I still long for a mid-air collision. Maybe a head-on with a tanker. It just can’t be my fault. Insurance issues, you understand. Maybe that bank robber thing is best. Go out a hero or something. Give the kids something to talk about.

    So, I wait, I watch and I make due until my day comes around. Obviously it will, and that keeps me going. I prefer it is sooner rather than later, but I am a pragmatic; I will deal with what may come. Y’all (yeah, I just spent a week in Alabama so now I am using “Y’all a lot) check back with me in 100 years and I am sure we will agree that not much of what we we are all doing today really matters by then.

    To all those who are so depressed by circumstances that they are at the end of theor rope, if it is not apparent from what I have already said, I only offer this. You are right, you are justified, you state your case correctly, the world is a bad place, a bad place, a terrible place to live. But, you have to set up a personal wall around yourself to keep you from being affected by all the outside. It is about you, not about them. Don’t compare, because you don’t need to validate your existance by comparing yourself against someone else.

    I have reached the point where I can live with myself. And, comfortably! I’d be happy to share my thinking with anyone, but, don’t want to mislead. I still think the ultimate answer is poltically incorrect. So, there you go!! Have at me, I guess!

  29. Hammerspur

    Jim, I hear what you say and second it… BUT I cannot seem to attain the comfortable acceptance of my human situation as you seem to. Although I regularly maintain the sort of healthy disregard you describe for ‘iconic’ risks (I’m no ”phobe” of any conventional flavor) it is only on a sporadic, unpredictable schedule that any level of contentment or sense of security can be realized.

    Mostly I feel paralyzed to move toward even the smallest of changes that might effect improvement of my existence, using virtually all the emotional energy within to merely keep plodding upon the treadmill of ‘here and now’. All the while the persistent dread that some greater, even slightly more difficult challenge will overwhelm me… and they regularly do so.

    The ordinary day to day setbacks prevent me from ever gassing up my personal energy tank to a level sufficient to feel empowered to alter my insecure and unsatisfactory life. I frequently endure MORE than simply the sense of ”Waiting…” The impulse to hasten the process invests me almost daily, only complete withdrawal from the outer world via sleep allows me to flee from rewardless being… providing I CAN sleep and when disturbing dreams don’t stalk me and derail that avenue of escape.

    Mostly I just keep waiting, waiting for…

    A do-able fork in the road, OR
    An unavoidable challenge to be addressed and, somehow, met, OR
    A ‘windfall’ of good fortune to calm the tempest, OR
    “The End” to appear on the horizon and relieve me of my duties of trying to navigate this whole unsatisfying mess.

  30. Alex

    I am waiting also.28, m. It feels like I am waiting to get into a car accident or be diagnosed with cancer or a near death experience to snap the depression out of me. I feel if I am close to dying in my physical body then my spirit will fight to stay alive and try to enjoy life. I envision as if I am lying on a hospital bed and waiting for my family to come to my side. I drink everyday because I feel like a failure. I have changed my college major three times; have brothers and sisters happily married and successful. Don’t know what to do with myself. My immigrant ex girlfriend just called me and told me that she is pregnant with my child and thinks that she is having a miscarriage. I am to embarrassed to tell my family. Maybe I am just whining, I don’t know.

  31. t griffin

    hello all

    I have realised I am waiting to die because I have sought other reasons for my existence and have found very few. Not enough to justify my existence. I don’t want to be in this “waiting to die” situation. If I could see reasons to fight on and carry this ripping, tearing emotional pain I would embrace life, but I have never seen the sense of it all. When I was younger I had hope that the reason for living would eventually reveal itself to me. Now that hope has greatly diminished.

    In one of life’s little quirks, the condition of “waiting to die” has become the reason for living. Waiting appears to make sense. It justifies living for the moment.

    Wish you all a reason to want to live.

    tg

  32. Another

    Well, I think you’ve found that there are a lot more of you than you had thought.

    I’ll just add myself to the list. I’ve accomplished far more than I ever hoped in this life. I’m only in my 30s now, but if I were to die today, everyone who knows me would say “It’s a shame he died young, but he lived such a full life.” And that’s really what I feel. I’ve had enough of a life for three people. I’ve seen a fair bit of the world, loved lots of people, worked with the very top people in multiple fields, been a lot of different things, done a lot of different things… I don’t feel that I’ve missed out.

    I’m not quite at the point of “nothing left to do” – there are still bills to pay. And I need to settle affairs and disentangle myself from the trappings of this life. And who knows…maybe somewhere along that path, I’ll come up with something else to strive toward.

    Oh, and I should note that I am not (as far as I can tell) the least bit depressed or anything. Never been on psych meds, don’t drink, don’t self-medicate, etc. There just came a point where I looked back and said “geez, I’ve done ten different things, any *one* of which all my friends would have been jealous of…”

    So… not “waiting for death” exactly… but I am waiting to see what comes next, and I am at peace.

  33. CarpeDiem

    Wow! Am not alone. Didn’t think I was but I don’t talk much about my feelings of suicidal depression. I try to be positive because I want to attract positivity.

    But, I’ve been suicidally depressed for last year. Have not felt this way for several years. Don’t know what to do: therapy? Am on medication. Am in 12 step and recovering from eating disorder. Don’t drink, smoke, drug.

    Spend a lot of time alone when not working/school/roommate away. Seem destined for hermetic lifestyle: both my parents are loners in the extreme sense.

    Appreciate comments by those on accepting death and how that helps to live life more fully. Am looking for an answer. Guess that’s why I googled the blog’s phrase; that, and wanting to connect with others who have/do feel the same.

    Thanks for all those who posted!

  34. Rob

    Hi, how weird is this. I am at the local pool today and am feeling terrible. Suddenly this wave of sadness hits me. The words ‘waiting to die’ enter my head. I think to myself, “Hey, this is an interesting angle on things. Am I just waiting to die? Are the good feelings generated when I eg. go for a swim, have a beer, chat to friends, all just DISTRACTIONS?” So I have been thinking about this a lot. I mean one can be on death row (not in Australia where I live) and this is where the term is most appropriate. However is the entire humanity not doing all sorts of stuff – while waiting to die?
    I have done the psychologist thing, and the antidepresants and you know I find that just doing something really basic such as repairing a bit of furniture is far more calming. Getting lost in the process. Stuff the goals, targets and KPIs that I have at work. Just doing something very earthy, very rhythmic and physical calms my soul.
    I am so pleased that I googled the term waiting to die and came up with this madphilosopher web site.
    Happy to continue discussing stuff with others who experience lifes pain
    Bye for now! Rob

  35. Rob

    Waiting to die, waiting to die……
    Reading this blog and also comtemplating this has been most liberating for me. I am able to get to a point where I have no expectations of life. So I can just be – in the moment. Let me try to explain:
    A lot of my angst is caused when I try to construct some meaning to life. I sit alone (or amongst crowds of people) and think what the %^$$$ is this all about? At that time I feel absolutely souless. Like life is all in Black and White. Completely disconnected.
    However, when I can accept that all of humanity is really going through a process towards death – waiting to die. There does not have to be any real meaning to ‘why we are here’ – we just are.
    This is very liberating for me.
    As is usually the case in life, often the ‘formula’ that works today will not tomorrow but for now I think I have come across something very useful.
    Whoever comes across my ramblings please chuck your views into the melting pot.
    Bye again! Rob

  36. bigwhiterock

    I am very sorry you hurt. Pain sucks. However, the pain is only temporary. You were created for a very specific purpose and I do not know what this is?! How I wish I did.

    You are not waiting to die…you’ve just been suckered. If you were, you’d be dead. Death will not solve your problems. Only life will.

    It is not an accident that you are here now reading this. I wrote it for you. Because I had too. You are loved.

    Now it is time to quit the pity and go really live. You can do this. I wish you the best.

  37. Rob

    Hi bigwhiterock, Thanks for the note.
    Thing is to say I was ‘created’ suggest a creator. What do you think?

    Absolutely disagree with your statement “if you were (waiting to die) you would be dead”. This is like saying to someone that if you were waiting for the bus, you would be on the bus. What do you think?

    Agree that death will not solve my problems. Thing is that I dont think that I have a problem. I just am…nothing more.

    Look forward to some more dialogue with you and others

    The only thing that I know is that I know nothing………….

    Rob

  38. Numb

    I’m a transgendered MtF and had a brief reprieve on wanting to die after “coming out” but all the battles since then have left me back at square one. Just with more scars.

    I don’t any strength anymore, but I know I have to keep going, somehow, for my parent’s sake. When they are gone I can know peace.

    Sometimes life is hard because I’m running so thin; an interview might not go right or an especially curious person might get badly verbally bit.

    Not knowing exactly how long I have to wait is terrible sometimes but I know it can’t be too long. And that does bring some peace.

  39. Mitch

    Where to begin? Life is complicated, unforgiving, unpredictible, and above all tough as hell…About 10 months ago my mother committed suicide. She was 56 and in a lot of pain, physically and mentally, talk about not leaving the house for 2 years, try seven. I know what it’s like to “wait for death” for myself, and for others around me. I feel depressed at times but not so much that it cripples work or anything like that, I feel very numb, very disgusted, and very relieved, all at the same time…I look foward to death but I do not wish to end my own life in such a horrible way that people will have to find me laying in a puddle of my own piss trying desperatly to revive me while on the phone with 911…I know life is tough, but I also know that death on the living is tougher…can’t wait for the “nothingness”.mhk

  40. Rob

    Hi, all. Should we talk about “queuing” to die? And then narrow that down to “waiting” to die? This is where my thinking is: Our lifespan is finite. A baby takes its first breath. As scary as it might sound, it has just joined the “queue”. The queue to death. At this stage it is not “waiting” but is definitely “queuing”.

    At some stage or other we become aware of our own mortality. At that point we realise that we are in the queue. Some, I believe, will fill their lives with distractions in order to distance themselves from this existential awareness and the associated angst.

    On days when I am down, I am just aware that I am in the queue and find the drudgery of life excruciatingly painful. Should I wait or should I jump the queue? I have thought about this many times. One thing stops me and that is the pain that I will cause to others. The guilt that they might carry. Perhaps asking themselves, “If only I had done something?” I have seen many people really stuffed up by others who have taken their lives.

    Or… perhaps I am just a coward who will justify my miserable life—and lack of courage—by pretending concern for others?????

  41. NightHawk_Philosopher

    Peace to all of you. I am here too because I am also waiting (wishing) to die, but I will be honest with you, I would rather live happily if I could. Maybe all of us agree on one thing so far, that is, death = nothingness and nothingness is better than misery. The problem with this proposition is that death could be something other than nothingness, and there lies the trouble. When we all wish to die as we are all doing, we are simply saying that absence of pain is just better than misery, but we must all realize deep within that given the right cure from misery, we would all prefer to be alive and live a full life that also would extend into eternity. Sounds like a wishful thinking, but that is more characteristic of our nature as humans. We all have one thing in common, and that is the burning desire to be happy. The ones who believe in a creator and the ones who do not. As for me, I believe in a creator simply because I am a conscious and intelligent entity that did not create itself; therefore, some one else must have created me, hence I have a creator. In the absence of a clear contradiction, I hold my assumption to be true exercising some degree of bias in favor of my belief.

    Next, we must define what happiness is. Happiness has two folds. It is getting what we want, and being able to give what we like to give. Most of us suffer from lack or absence of the first component. We do not have what we like to have. Each one of us may have a slightly different list from the other, but we could all come to agreement on the main items in the list. For instance, we all like to feel safe in an adequate shelter, be fed, socially connected and loved, successfully engaged in some interests and activities, and above all, self-actualized. This may sound familiar to those who are familiar with Maslaw’s pyramid of needs. Anything that hinders the attainment of those needs may cause feelings of anguish, dissatisfaction, or even depression. The reality that is prevalent is that somewhere and somehow in our lives, there are many reasons to be completely unhappy and we establish the fact that our world is NOT perfect (what a discovery!) If each one of us can generate a wish list, we can certainly start identifying the causes of our depression, dissatisfaction, anguish, and ultimately our desire to die, or desire to experience nothingness. We must acknowledge that nothingness is the minimum level of happiness, or the lower end of it. Happiness is at minimum is the absence of pain. That does not mean that if we, the humans, could secure a higher level of happiness that we would not. Our desire to die is hence the burning desire for life with happiness that can not and will not stand the presence of misery! We are by nature and design happiness seeking creatures. So if we can not get what we want in life, the first component is jeopardized and hence we should consider the other component, that is, the ability to give what we like to give. The good news is that all of you guys have done that so far. You all listened, sympathized, and empathized with each other on this blog and you all took the time to appreciate each others pain and concerns and that is truly wonderful. I bet you all, even the most pessimistic of you, added a flavor to this discussion and breathed life into your desire to die; I meant your desire to live, to live happily. I must conclude that the purpose of living is enduring this imperfect world which is necessary to be imperfect as such to invoke these beautiful feelings in each one of you. Congratulations to all of you! You are all good humans, full of life, full of love, and the seeds of goodness are present in each one of you. Your mission in life is to cater those seeds and step up the ladder of humanity so the world can be a better place. Yes the creator could have made it perfect for all of us, but only then each one would be so indulged into the lust of his/her own desires, and consequently the beauty of your hearts would have not the chance to shine up like it did. Thanks to all of all. Because you all know what pain means, make the world a better place, and I wish all of you true and eternal happiness.

  42. Philosopher's Stone

    Hello everyone!

    I don’t believe I’m depressed but I’m certainly just waiting to die. I thought I’d check the internet for people like me. And there you are!

    I don’t believe that a person is depressed just because he has lost interest in pursuing things in life. When one feels that he has done everything he wanted to do, naturally he will see life as meaningless; just waiting to die. The nature of life is truly meaningless that’s why we have to put meaning to it in order for it to be meaningful; it’s dull that’s why we have to paint it in order for it to be colorful; it’s not dependent on how we make it cause we don’t always get what we aim for. The purpose of life is to experience it in material (body) form. We’re just here to visit the earth. We do not have a given purpose, only a goal we choose and try to accomplish. Finally, not that I’m advising or promoting suicide but truly, people have the right to live as well as the right to die.

  43. John

    i wonder how many people like me just randomly decided to type ‘waiting to die’ into google and came up here. like many of you i also experiance feelings of emptiness. ive been through some shitty times, there isnt a drug i havent tried, im only 23 years old and im already a recovering heroin addict. ive tried so many antidepressants in the last 6 years i should be getting paid by drug companies to test this shit for them. ive spent a lot of time thinking about what went wrong and how ive ended up the way i am. ive thought long and hard about what all this is for and whether or not life is worth suffering through. i havent found any answers and im starting to accept that the answers to the questions im asking dont exist, that this world truely is meaningless. i desperately want some reason to feel alive again but it seems like happiness is always just out of reach.
    i truely empathize with so many of you who have commented here, i didnt realize how many people feel like i do and there is comfort in knowing that im not alone. i wish i could help each and every one of you somehow. i wish i had the answers; i wish there were answers. i have to believe that things can get better for all of us, no matter where we are now and how bad things have gotten for us but i know hope alone isnt enough. i mean this is all there is, we only have this one life and although life may not be what we expected or wanted but its all we have. so i guess it doesnt matter if this is all pointless or not, life is what it is, it may not be right or fair but we’re here so we might as well help each other and make the best out of it. if we’re just here to pass time until we die then there’s no point in dwelling on all thats wrong with us and the world, i guess the best we can hope for in this life is to be the kind of person we want to be, everything else is up to fate.

  44. Spike Spiegel

    Hello everyone, ..i enjoyed reading everyone’s stories because i know i am not alone. I came across this blog because i googled the same words as you and i’m thankfull after a year this post is still here:)

    Now my story. I suffer from a social phobia called Avoidance Personality disorder which in short explained is :” wanting social contact, but when you have it you get so anxious,so self-conscious that you get litteraly sick and you just want to run away. Second, when you ran away (trust me everyone does), you CRAVE for social contact, depressed because you miss out and it is this purgatory where i am. Stuck between what might be heaven and hell on earth, i can’t choose a side because both of them drive me nuts.

    Besides this personality disorder, i suffer from depression..heh can you call it depression? I opened my eyes and saw how life is..atleast for me. I just can’t ignore all my problems and live for society. What is the point of working all my life if the anxiety keeps killing me little day after day. What’s the point when i know deeply that all of my efforts never did anything in the past and will not in the future? I never trully been happy (even before my diagnosis), it is only in the fantasy world where i can feel.:movies,books, videogames,,..I feel alive when i read them but when it’s finished i come back from the “high” and realize i’m all alone.

    As someone posted here, when dying we will all go back to the nothingness..what else can you wish for? You will not feel anything, no ying or yang, no evil nor good, no happiness nor pain , no hope and no despair. Oblivion as in the before birth state.

    As some here, i cannot kill myself. I don’t judge those that do, because suicide and wanting to die are the same thing. I’m teasing Lady Death and others are ready to f##k her (excuse my french!).

    Aaah it feels good to write this down, i hope you will all find peace that you deserve

    Peace.

  45. DM

    You people need to wake up! You all seem very selfish and are wasting your life here. I have found this site by searching for “waiting to die”, not because I want to die, but because I have aggressive cancer that is killing me. I am in pain every day and have almost had a fatal heart attack twice. I’m only 22 years old and would give anything to continue living as a normal person but it’s not possible for me and I am just waiting to die! But you people have health and can do things normal people can so get a grip and stop feeling sorry for yourself because that’s all that’s wrong with you! Now wake up and be happy because others are not as blessed as you!

  46. To DM

    For the longest time I have gone on without much desire to do—well anything. This loss of desire does not completely describe how I have been feeling or does it express what also has been going on. And, until a few days ago I have not been able to put it all into words to relate to anyone.

    In another dry and depressing spell feeling completely useless, a few days ago, I did a search on the Internet. The resulting search brought me to this page were yet another person was describing their depression and feelings of being overwhelmed.

    One term the person used is one I have not heard since my college days and one I had completely forgotten. The word is anhedonia, an-he-do-ni-a that is a psychology term meaning – a lack of pleasure or of the capacity to experience it. This relates to acts that normally would produce pleasure.

    This absence of pleasure along with the desire or drive to proceed on in life fits my circumstance to the T. I go throughout each day without any meaning or real sense of purpose. When good things do happen to me, and when independent acts of kindness come my way from others I feel a complete lack of feeling.

    For a very long time I have been numb and dead in heart and soul. I getup in the mornings mull about all day long, and go to bed without satisfaction or any sense of completion. It makes life long, without propose, with wonderment that life is gone and will never be the same again.

    Medication has not resolved this situation. However, since I now understand these feeling or lack thereof, perhaps I can receive further assistance from my doctor in finding a mix of the right kind of medication.

    I am just waiting to die—this expression is true to us all. We are all waiting to die. Whether we express it with sad eyes or have long life we all get to a point where death is a reality that we all will face.
    The important lesson we learn until that day arrives is what we do with our time in life while we have it. Is every minute filled with hate and bitterness for shortness or life, do we fill out time with selfless devotion to family, friends, and strangers, do we hold each day precious, or do we despise every waking moment for a never ending overwhelming sense of sadness.

    The choice is ours to make. It is ours to struggle, and it is ours to live. Most of us choose life. We all want good things. We all want to love, and be loved. Most of us choose to pass on our heritage to our children. And, most of us choose to make a life thinking it is the best we can do.

    Few of us choose to die, but there are those few that hasten the process. For me there have been times when my hand held a hand full of pills that I didn’t take. And, times when a sharp knife lay against my wrist waiting for to slice the layers of skin underneath.

    This too has never happen. And, right now with all my faults and problems, I can say I am glad this has never happened. Perhaps I was afraid that death would bring about its own problems in the life I would find in the hereafter. Either way I concluded that dying might not offer the release I have so long sought after. So for now I remain among the living.

    If all my maladies of depression, anxiety, griping overwhelmingness, a deep sense of the loss of self, worthlessness, hopelessness, and a feeling of being broken at the level of one’s soul, I have recently added another situation.

    Perhaps it is all of the medication, or years of sickness or just a new predisposition, but now I have been given medication for Alzheimer’s. At age 52 it all seems to early to fight with another affliction when I do not have my mood disorder under control.

    I went through a few difficult times two years ago. The resulting aftermath left me broken in spirit, mind, and body. There has been little to live for, yet I live on. Perhaps I carry with me the spirit of former clients.

    Years ago I was educated, and worked as a social worker. I have worked with good folks with a lot worse disorders than my own. Many of my clients worked harder than most people on the street trying to find ways of living and coping with their afflictions.

    So for now I wait and see. Try my best to take care of my family. Work with my doctor for the right mix of medications. Pray for a miracle.

  47. snooker

    It’s a horrible feeling waiting. Is it wrong to think so negatively?

    I get the whole gist of the previous comments. I do agree with them. Personally I feel I’m ready to go and have felt like this for nearly a year. I feel like I’ve achieved everything I’ve set out to do in life and don’t really know what else I want anymore. Sometimes I wake up and the sun’s shining but I can’t seem to enjoy it. It’s not a new day to look forward to. I am motivated, I enjoy my job. I adore my friends but deep down I am so unhappy and it gets to a point that I can’t be bothered to talk about it anymore.

  48. Mikey

    Hello, I have had depression basically my whole life. I am 33 now. I no longer enjoy anything in life, even things I used to enjoy. Nothing makes me happy. I can no longer work because of my depression. I have a girlfriend but feel I am just wasting her time as my plans involve a big bang. I will go months sometimes without leaving the house. I have many friends but sometimes I cannot be around anyone as my brain won’t allow it. I have money left in the bank that will last me 2 more years. All it will do is prolong the 44 whispering in my ear. Thanks for listening. Good bye.

  49. heddy bell

    What is the point of living? What is the point of anything? At the end of it all is dying. Nothing to look forward to except dying.

  50. Alana

    I have suffered with depression on and off since my early teens—I’m now 33. My life was ‘perfect’ when I started having panic attacks not long after my daughter was born and a year down the line from this my ‘very supportive partner’ became pissed off with the whole mess which was me! Anyway… without swamping you with the personal details… we split up and alone… I decided to read!

    I found Dr. Claire Weekes’ Self Help for Your Nerves. Reading this, I swear within weeks I was controlling my daily panic attacks and eventually came to control my depressive behaviour. I’m still not there but… my life is no shittier than the next person’s. I know that it will never reach the depths it has been… no matter what lies ahead. Ditch the meds and believe in ‘self help’. It works, I swear to you.

  51. dc denizen

    I googled “waiting to die” because that’s how i’ve been feeling for the past few years. I read all of the postings here, and I wish I could contact some of you who posted comments that are exactly how i feel. I have been searching for people to talk to who understand and are not critical or judgmental. I’m so tired of people telling me to get on anti-depressants, or go to therapy, or all the other cliches. They refuse to accept the notion that life is an illusion, temporary, and for some people it is NOT a gift. It is suffering. No one wants to talk about death or dying. No one wants to be around someone like me — they call me a “downer.” I am in what Eckhart Tolle calls “the return movement”, and I’d like to find others who are there, also. This board is full of them, but I cannot find a way to contact any of you. I have no one to talk to, to share my feelings with. If I dare tell anyone how I’m feeling, they put me on a suicide watch, or lecture me, or just drop me as a friend because I depress them. If anyone knows of a group or an organization that is accepting of those of us who are “waiting to die”, please pass it on.

  52. Drt D

    Reading all these posts should make you realize that what you’re feeling is a lot like the norm. Whether or not most people would admit, everyone knows that life, our world, apart from its rare bright moments—getting laid, making a friend, winning states—is fucking boring. Boring to the point of depression. I tried antidepressants; the only noticeable effect I felt was that inability to ejaculate. So from now on I don’t expect any drug that isn’t classified as a controlled substance to induce merriness. It’s like, yeah, I could chase a better job, hotter wife, etc., but in the end I don’t think I’ll feel better.

  53. Dan

    Seeing that all these people felt like me is awesome. I feel like nothing matters. And it’s great. I mean it sucks to have to let go of, you know, your traditional dreams and values, happy family, the happy family man with his tool belt and hard working man who smiles about his car and his homely handiwork. But at the same time, it makes me free. I mean, have nothing, and there’s nothing to lose. Have no fear of death and you can live a life with no boundaries, nothing to hold you back, nothing to keep you from what’s fun. I can do whatever I want to, to whomever I want to, whenever I want BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE, I DON’T CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. My step to freedom was letting go of everything.

  54. Maya

    Hey. I read your whole comment and thank you for sharing this with us. I feel so sorry for you. I want to die as well. My homelife is affecting me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’m not really responsible. Everyone is more happier than I am. I just don’t know what to do anymore. What I’m doing right now is waiting to die. I don’t think the Prozac meds will make you feel any better. All I can tell you is don’t give up. There are a lot of great things you haven’t seen in this world yet. You can always start over again. Be happy that you’re still alive.

  55. Maya

    Hey everyone!

    How are you?

    It’s me again. Actually, I have read all of your comments. I can somehow relate to the problems you’re all having. Although nothing really bad happens to me, I’m still insecure. I’ve got A’s in college. I’m somewhat responsible. But I’m still insecure. Even for the past years since I graduated from high school, I’m still depressed. As I said before, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. My family is NOT abusive. My parents are still together and haven’t got any divorce. Yet, I feel like I’m a bad daughter/sister. Nobody praises me. They just point out my mistakes. I don’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t want to move out either because it’s going to be hard. And DC Denizen, I agree with you. Nobody understands that life is temporary and they don’t understand that we somehow suffering. It looks like nobody will help us resolve our life but ourselves. I guess there’s nothing wrong with being alive.

  56. suzs

    Ditto to what everyone wrote. Moved me to tears. I didn’t think I was depressed, as I have been in the past, till I read what you all wrote. Guess I am. I’m just so tired. I’m sure you all understand.

  57. MissParkour

    Well, w e l l, w e l l, are not we all just a bunch of happy little peeps? Is not life grand!? What more could anyone want? Feelings of uselessness, hopelessness and all the other ‘lessness’ out there. Life is F A N T A S T I C O!

    So yeah, I stopped caring about life… oh 15 years ago—give or take—and it has slowly progressed to the current level of living in the back of my truck in the wal-mart lot… or where ever the po-po will let me be. Gave up my ‘resort living’ apartment almost two years ago and pretty much paying bills too… although the car and insurance payment are required to maintain my current luxurious lifestyle. My story is pretty much the run of the mill good family I don’t identify with, crap time at school, crap jobs, no friends or lovers, lack of ambition, fugly… you know the drill… death take me away, this calgon stuff is not working.

    My mom tells me it is good to have goals so I made my list of waiting to die goals:
    1. Not get fired from my crap job—must buy food and pay the aforementioned bills
    2. Make fun of happy, pretty people so I can laugh inside
    3. Have no personality at work—my inner laughing thing again
    4. Not spend any money paying back my college loans since college is a waste of time and money—unless you are doing the sciences of course
    5. Fly fish as much a possible
    6. Have little to no drama in my life—meaning… have no expectations
    7. Sleep as much as deathly possible—contrary to popular belief—you actually don’t get to sleep when you are dead, because you are DEAD
    8. Be as invisible as possible to everyone—no obligation!
    9. Make people believe my life is better than theirs—inner laughing thing
    10. There is no ten, I just want you to think I really put a lot of thought into this seeing as it is 3:51 am

    I do not feel sorry for any of you nor do I want that feeling for me. It is what it is and I am cool with that. If you are fortunate to believe in the after life of heaven and hell… kudos pour vous. I happen to believe there is n o t h i n g—not even pigs in space… or in a space blanket. I like to believe there is nothingness since my days are so painfully dull and pointless. I long for the point at which my mind turns off… blissful relaxation. Oh how heavenly that would be to be of nothingness. I actually consider myself rather lucky in that I do not fear death, but welcome it as it is one less thing to worry about. I have a luxury so many others don’t. Really, if you think about it there is quite the list of positives in wanting to die.

    Well, I am waiting out my time as I don’t want to bring pain onto my parents and brother… it is just not cool. So I live quietly and ask God nightly why he takes away good, decent people that desire life and not me… It is a mystery to me.

  58. Nicholas Franklin

    I have taken 80 mg of Prozac for almost 9 years. Clonazepam helps with anxiety. I (like others) sometimes just want to lie down and not get up… go to the curb and jump on the next bus outa here… wherever that is… the routine… mundane… day to day BS is almost intolerable. Any self-induced death is beyond my religious beliefs. SO, like most of you… I suck it up… The last time I cried was at my father’s funeral some years ago. I am emotionally flat as a pancake. Not really able to feel much of anything… C’est la vie… GOD bless all of you for posting. I feel like at least I have the ‘company’ of some fine people with the same or similar problem…

  59. JAMES

    Wow ! Kinda deep shyt …. buh remember , u gonna see a lotta shit in life …
    Buh itz not forever …. There will be timez u wanna end all thiz pain , end the bloody life …. Buh then after a while , u gonna get over it & find new stuff u’ll like . Life iz a gift for living , no matter how hard it is , itz way better than nothing at all . So live ur life to the fullest , cuz once itz gone . Its never gonna come back !

  60. Bill

    “Currently, I’m suffering from anhedonia—the inability to experience pleasure.”

    Apt and succinct statement regarding the current state of my affairs. I’m middle aged and having to reinvent myself with a new career. My finances are low and I spend between 20-30 hours a week caretaking for an invalid parent, so I have little if anything to offer someone regarding a relationship. I’m alone. I chose nursing as a new career and soon will take the NCLEX board exams. Despite good scholastic achievement in the previous year, I feel a great sense of futility. I’ve noticed that in this profession, like in many others, it’s not a question of how proficient you are but who you know. A lot of dreams I had when I was younger are still there inside of me, but revisiting them now causes pain after a short while because I know the odds of achieving them are long at this point. Nothing outlandish, just normal stuff like financial security or a meaningful and satisfying relationship. I keep trying but my energy is weaker now compared to what it was 20 years ago. I feel harried and drained most of the time. No peers to commiserate with outside of the anonymity of this BBS.

    So, whatever pleasure I find now appears quite limited and purposeless; a false pleasure, if you would. Real pleasure to me would be something that left me feeling exhilarated and revitalized to face challenges that would lead me to or further my goals in life. With what’s left of my life, I don’t think those goals are ever going to be anything but hopes. So the best I can manage now regarding pleasure is some transitory titillation.

    Thanks for “Just Waiting to Die.”

    The title sums up rather well how I see myself. I wonder if I’ll hasten it or just be content to let life whittle away at me day after day until the end.

  61. Vicky

    How about some suggestions, anyone? I searched “waiting to die” for the same reason many have: life has no meaning, meds make me feel emotionless, which is to me a feeling of being zombie-like. Or hey, happy I am not too sad, sad I am not too happy! So I avoid pills that make me as ill as my illness. The older I get the worse it gets. I used to own and operate a small business with employees, etc. but hubby had a quad by-pass and we moved. Now no work to speak of and economy went to hell. My daughter stopped talking to me a couple of years ago, not able to see grandkids, husband just sleeps and watches TV, and I have to be quiet or get yelled at. Waaahhh. I can’t crawl out of this sinkhole I am in.

  62. Sadgirl26

    Hello:

    Like a number of others, I was looking for some relief from this numbness mixed with pain that is life and I came across this site. Depression runs in my family and my paternal grandmother spent her whole life waiting to die. I never wanted to turn out like her, but I have. At 26, I feel like my life has no meaning to anyone (including me) and I no longer see the point of a long life. Living to a ripe old age means many more years of numbness and loneliness and pain and I don’t wish for it. But, I don’t think I’m suicidal… if that makes any sense. I wish there was some non-medical cure for this, but I’ve given up hope. I hold down a job, but on my days off I often can’t bring myself to leave the house and face the world. There seems to be a whole world out there, but not one that needs me in it. I don’t want to be medicated and I’m not a fan of mental health professionals. Little comfort though it is, I’m somewhat glad to know there are others who feel likewise. Thanks for reading/listening.

  63. Helpless dust

    Leave everything behind, start a new life thinking maybe it won’t suck? Change everything in your life, change your friends, change your job, even leave your family behind if you have one, until you find the life you were looking for. This is the solution for me. I want to carry out this plan, but I can’t—my sucking life is stuck with me like a bloodsucker.

    Death is not solution or it is a problem, don’t be afraid of death, remember when somebody tries to wake you you don’t want to be awaken, because sleeping is good. Death is no different just without dreams, just an eternal rest. My dreams are nightmares, so a dreamless sleep is what I require. Life sucks, Death sucks too. These have already been balanced by a greater power in the creation of universe. If you make something good, something will get worse. Those happy-looking people, their lives are full of problems too, maybe they are stupid enough not to see their problems.

    IGNORANCE IS BLISS. The problem we all have here is we are not ignorant as other stupid people. We need to spend more time with them to understand their wisdom.

    And don’t get your meds, I never used psychological meds, my situation is somewhat a chronic depression too, but I learned to live with it. Don’t be attached to something, let things be attached to you. We are not normal people, eh? For me, most people except me are abnormal. They can’t see the world as a whole.

  64. RambleJ

    Sadgirl26 – your post is 99% accurate to what I live.

    I’m looking for a passion in life but seem unable to find anything, everything seems to lead back to the same common thread. We all end up in the same place so if I’m not going to find any satisfaction past what I’ve already found… same dog different sh*t every day. Nothing really changes & nothing really ‘floats my boat’. 10 minutes of enjoyment, 2 hours of enjoyment with any activity doesn’t keep me interested & I still feel at the end of the day there’s a feeling that I’m still just waiting to die.

    I’m not suicidal, I just seem to be searching for something that I guess I’ll never find. (But I’ll keep waiting & looking) The age-old questions from the creator to the purpose have kept me occupied but all answers lead back to the same point. At this point I’m comfortable with not knowing the ‘big’ questions & enjoying the many possibilities of the big questions. It’s a nice distraction.

    I don’t truly invest in personal relationships any more as I don’t want their complaints about life & petty problems when there’s larger things in life people have to endure. I don’t want people’s sympathy but yet I hand out empathy which drains me like it’s handed out free at a flea market. An early post directed me towards avoidant personality disorder & I don’t know, seems pliable.

    I run my own small company, pay all of my bills & can put a front on for any situation to at least make the other people around me comfortable with my interaction (most of the time). I’m not a bad looking fella & all arrogance aside a fairly intelligent fellow. The responsibility for the last few years of running a small business is the only thing I believe that ensures I don’t lock up in my house, never answer my door & avoid nearly all phone calls. As much as I enjoy my weekends there is a constant pressure of avoiding any social interactions.

    That’s my ramble, I’ve taken some relief in reading other people’s stories/thoughts & maybe if this gives me some feeling of ‘hope’ in waiting it also gives you the same. There are some nice ideas in this thread & if they work, even for a couple of days at least the distraction is worth it. Maybe that’s the answer? Maybe for some of us we should have been philosophers… /shrug

  65. Hammerspur

    “HellRaider Says:

    July 16th, 2008 at 1701 UTC
    I typed “waiting to die” too damn, I am 17″

    I’m 55… you have a long wait. :-\

  66. dreamhunter

    Living by inertia… very accurate here too. I’m a big good-looking man, a powerlifter with a good job… and yet I live only through inertia too. Twice divorced, I’m having a child (my only) with a woman who treated me like shit and changed our lives through text messages. I’m 41, and damaged, and half the days in my commute I hope to roll my Expedition and die horribly. I’ve lost my hope. I drink tequila every night, and now after such a clean life I’m becoming a drunk. This is no bullshit, I’m 6’1″, 260 pounds with 20″ arms and people come up to me in the gym just to shake my hand. My reputation at work is almost peerless… and all I think about is dying now, and almost every night.

  67. petunia

    This universe follows all these precise laws, but it all amounts to an edifice of absurdity. Interesting place to visit, but I don’t want to stay too long.

  68. TheGrinch

    I am so sick and tired of this place. There is nothing here for me. There has to be something better beyond this world. Hoping to find it someday and if not oh well I would be happy turning into a rotting pile of flesh. At least it will give the maggots something to snack on.

  69. Hammerspur

    I’ve been moving along pretty well of late, engaging in various tasks and completing most. I often have trouble sensing when rest or nourishment is needed… don’t really feel tired or hungry, just ‘not well’.
    The last two weeks were a never ending treadmill, I had to keep pacing along, and did so willingly: work, chores for myself, family responsibilities.
    Yesterday it dawned on me that I’d ‘hit the wall’… needed to flake off all day doing nothing but watch TV, nap, snack and look after my dogs… never even got dressed. It all felt more than a bit irresponsible and purposeless. Today I feel hungover.

    I believe that work in one form or another is ALL I really have.
    Without it (when I’m too spent or ill to continue) I have nothing…
    I AM nothing.

  70. not much left

    f/53

    i’m just really really tired. i’ve done everything in life i want to do. i look forward to death but am not chasing it.

    i’m glad i found this site – googled ‘just waiting to die’ – and your comments bring a strange peace. especially the ones that said waiting to die is something that can be done, while living small.

    i can do that; i can live small while waiting to die.

    thanks everyone for your words, peace to you.

  71. K

    I have never really felt that life was worthwhile- it’s comforting that others feel the same way. Life is… a disappointment, something that could have been nice but never will be.

    The only thing I am good at is staying out of the way, so that is what I do until I die.

  72. Tim

    Waiting to die… Isn’t it funny how we’ve all come together? Nearly all of us googled, “waiting to die” and here we are. This thread began in April of 2004 and here it is, 2009. Not much has changed in 5 years.

    I’m a 42 year old guy. I’ve never been diagnosed or treated for depression, nor have I ever taken medication. The best word that describes me is, “introvert”. I have friends, but for the most part, I prefer to be alone. I’ve worked at the same job in law enforcement for the last 22 years. You would think that would provide some excitment for me, wouldn’t you? It doesn’t. I sleepwalk through the work week, waiting for the weekend, only to hibernate until it’s time to do it all over again.

    I’m not suicidal and I’ll continue to live this life that’s been dealt to me. Waking up, going to work, coming home and doing it over, again and again until “something else” comes along.

    I wish all of you the best.

    Tim
    westernburbs69@yahoo.com

  73. Liss

    Hi people,

    Again I’m another one that googled ‘waiting to die’ admittedly after trying ‘choose life’.

    Been in therapy 5 years and on meds for the last 4 years. Recently I tried to wean down my dosage as I’m sick of being fat—a side effect of the meds. This time no withdrawals but I didnt realise how scattered my thinking had gotten til today.

    Apparently I’m a vivacious 35 year old single mum. I teach part time in a job I love. I have 2 crazy girl kids and have been single for 4 years.

    I have no blood family to call on here in NZ so my friends are my family.

    I have a co-existing bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Suffered with depression since at least 17.
    Yup, had a shit upbringing and genetic predisposition for mental illness.

    Anyway it’s been a rough 6 weeks as it’s been summer school holidays here and I was amping to get the kids back to school for some peace and quiet… then my mood started to plummet. Literally overnight.

    Visit my counselor today as I do every week and told her about tapering meds. She asked me to up them as I’m going through some huge stuff for one being… I need to choose to live.

    I don’t get up in the morning and think, “Yay, another day…” I go to bed at night thinking, “Thank god. That’s one less day I have to live.” I stay alive for my kids. I don’t care if I die. Would just be easier if I wasn’t here.

    I’m bored, lonely and alone. Where do I find this zest for life, how do I choose to live? I’m not suicidal by any means.

    Just couldn’t care less if I died.

    How do we embrace this life as it is?

  74. Mah!

    Yeah, well, I have had a hard life. Been depressed forever—literally as long as I can remember. I’m 24 and am experiencing all new kinds of depression now. At the moment it seems that I don’t want anything. Not even frustrated, just resigned to wait to die. I was actually googling how to waste time waiting to die. There just is no hope for… well anything. It makes me laugh. No one really understands and gets so upset about the silliest things. It just makes me laugh. All I have ever wanted out of life is some stability and the love of a good woman. I don’t care about that anymore. Women find my playful nonchalant attitude charming. Little do they know my confidence comes from my apathy. I told myself I wouldn’t get too close to anyone, family included, until my scars have faded away. I haven’t added to them but they really aren’t fading. It all is just so comical anymore; the sad, pathetic kind of comical. I’m looking forward to Armageddon 2012, though—Obama is the antichrist and all that. The great bird pandemic of 06 was a disappointment. Great fun creeping people out by taking everyday pictures of people, just say ” after the (insert catastrophe here) people will want to know what it used to be like”. There, I have solved my time wasting problem already. Thanks… Now where’s my soap box…? Does soap come in boxes?

  75. saben 314

    went to doc’s clean bill of health, besides high ldl, sugar… i’ve been going through the motions of life for a while now… i don’t have feeling anymore… seems… suicide just hurts all the people i’ve been fooling… self destructive behavior seems to create a different life… but also lonely existence… i’ve dated and love the person i’m with… but i don’t have much to give… i care about people… just not myself so much… i exercise regularly eat well… i just don’t feel too alive in the traditional sense… very bored with all things… when i went to the doc’s i thought i’d find something to live for… nope… just same old… i don’t even think i have depression… the signs are there but in a clinical sense… or dsdv V… danger seems to make me feel something… but it’s very limited… i try to change my view to no avail… i’m not waiting to die so much as existing i don’t have a wish, plan, or idea…

    all i do is think… i don’t listen to people talking to me… i just don’t care to care… usually i don’t blog… seems reasonable here… it’s funny people google this… actually awesome… we’re all fucked together… at least i care enough to read what you guys/gals have to say… well maybe the economy will get better and we can live better in agony… prob not

    nebas
    27/m

  76. Lusitan

    People,

    After reading all this, I believe that I must share this with everyone.

    “How do we embrace this life as it is?”

    I’ve had the answer for quite a while and only now I’ve realized it: “Fuck it all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for…” These are the lyrics of Slipknot’s Surfacing, which I’ve been listening to for years and only now I’ve noticed that most of the times I listen to this song is when I’m feeling shitty, lonely…, and it really helps, well, at least with me. Yes, I know not everyone likes Metal, but I just felt that I should tell this to someone.

    So, if you are asking how do we embrace this kind of empty life, hell, “Fuck it all…”

    P.S. Don’t mind the misspellings.

  77. Karen

    My last boyfriend once told me that every birthday wasn’t a reminder of how little time was left, but how much. He said he was sitting around just waiting to die. He landed in the hospital after being hit by a car and died a few days later from complications from a followup surgery, but before he did, he took my hand, looked me in the eyes and told me that when he woke up in the hospital, he was surprised to be alive and for the first time ever was happy to be so.

    Now I’m just sitting around, waiting to die.

  78. Struggler

    As I am reading this, I feel sorry for so many of us who feel the same way. Then I read above about someone who has cancer and is really waiting to die. But fact seems no matter if we are physically healthy or mentally healthy, we may be emotionally sick or spiritually sick and—compounded by our doubts and lack of belief in life and God—that we might be worthy of anything at all.

    I feel as if we take a lot for granted but yet we expect for good to happen to others too. We are people and many times can be idealistic or just wrong in some regard. We don’t seem to have some higher knowledge to better our quality of life and actually find some happiness without the fear that seeks to devour us, or simply stated we don’t have enough faith that we will be delivered through the struggles of life.

    I believe everyone is given a life and if God is good, maybe he intends somewhere somehow to give us all a good life. But we got flaws of greed, covetousness, sloth etc… then we got dreams we don’t attain etc… and perhaps karma we got to finish—I just don’t know.

    I pray hard as if prayer is my final solution and my only one. I believe very much in “love God and love your neighbour as yourself” though in this world it may be hard to do, as we all think of ourselves highly with our self-serving bias yet look down on others.

    I do want to die and I wait for it, yet I want to live. It is a great irony indeed this life. All I know is keep trying to do good even if we accomplish little. I would rather God take me than I commit suicide. There is a lot in life to be grateful for, however, sometimes it does sadly feel like not enough.

    I wish for a day where we can all be ourselves and if people have not enough, God will compensate them and if people have, God won’t take away but everyone will at least feel happy that they love themselves and God loves them.

    My hope is that God help everyone and accept us as we are now and that we stretch somewhat but not killing ourselves in the journey.

  79. Death 4 Me? Oh yeah!

    I really think death would be the best thing for me. I am miserable and don’t want to get up in the morning. When I go to sleep at night I hope I will never wake up. People make such a big deal out of life. You are here for a few years then you die. We are basically bugs that can talk. People step on bugs to kill them and don’t care. What is the difference? Are we so much better than a bug? We are both living, breathing creatures.

    I haven’t worked for a year and never plan to again. I watched taxes being raped from my paycheck to support illegal alien babies only so I can be miserable and ask myself, “What in the hell I am doing?” I am working so I can be miserable while helping an illegal alien who craps out kids and make more money. Make no sense.

    I have been depressed forever. I have decided I am going to party like a rockstar for as long as my money will last. When I am broke, the .44 mag will blow my brains out and that will be the end. For the first time in my life I am actually excited about my future! Best of luck everyone. Life isn’t all it is cracked up to be. It’s like a certain food for example. Some people like it and others don’t. Life sucks for me and I am done playing this game. Take care!

  80. afza

    im not sure how long ago u wrote this… i have a feeling it was 2004 though.

    i just came across it by typing in some feelings ive been having, so i have lack of motivation in life…

    have you tried love? maybe u just need another person.

    my life is shitty.
    my parents are super strict
    im in love with someone… but i cant be with them… unless i break my parents heart
    but im not going to do that… im just going to stay on their side… im basically just waiting to die too… i have zero motivation towards school or ANYTHING and all i wanna do… is sleep… sleep and not wake up… this life isnt for me… no one asked me if i wanted to be here

    and as far as heaven and hell are concerned. i know ppl think its bogus… but i wish i could be so certain about something… i seriously just want to run away… from everyone and never come back. but i cant do that to them. im 19. and i cant see into the future. i have zero goals. im just doing what society tells me im supposed to. i think i need prozac to get me through it. unless i want to cry every night. mostly i try not to think about it… i try to be oblivious… but i can feel it inside meeeee… erupting into depresssssionnnnnnnnnnnn. i hate this. and… i want to die… im not gonna do it… but im just waiting for something to happen.

  81. Kerry Smith

    Download Dr. Eric Maisel’s “The Purpose Centered Life” and learn to make meaning again. Learn to use the existential keys and fight the self-criticism that brings existential thoughts like this to your universe. Everything is subjective. Learn to control your universe. Learn to control what is meaningful in your life. Also 40 mg of [random anti-depressant drug brand name] helps greatly… Maisel is available on iTunes for free. If you kill yourself it’s true that the pain will go away forever but so will the chance that you can gain control and live not only in peace but in contentment. Study Evolutionary Psychology if you really want to understand why you are what you are. David Buss, Steven Pinker etc. do a good job, and then become an interested anthropologist—studying yourself. Jesus Fucking Christ get over the fact that you’re just dust in the wind and embrace being able to choose something—even if it’s only the ability to sometimes partially veto an unwanted thought. Baby steps huh? veto veto veto veto embrace embrace embrace embrace. It’s your universe. It’s your decision. It’s your experience. Go hiking this weekend. Visit your children. Make a fucking decision and stick with it. Study Memetics. Read Susan Blackmore and Geoffery Miller and learn how we have evolved to fitness indicate! And how some ways of putting words together can be such powerful fitness indicators that they can make you want to kill someone… or yourself to promote some stupid idea. Especially the idea that depression itself is somehow “cool”. Good Luck.

  82. tom

    I found this page after typing “waiting to die” into Google. It’s something I’d never though of until a few weeks ago. I feel sorry for the fact that I’m now thinking things like this. But it’s quite a peaceful thought. A great way to surrender to all the shit going on around you. Come on death, take me! I’ve recently cut off most of my friends and family. They all encouraged me to split with an ex. I thought I had the perfect family and the best friends… How could they be wrong? They were wrong and the fucked-up thing is I listened to them. Now after a couple of years have gone by I’m fed up, lonely and have realised I’ll never be as happy as I once was. They only wanted us to finish out of jealousy, selfishness or stupidly thinking I’d be better off without her. I doubt I’ll kill myself; I’ve thought about it but I’ve got eternity to be dead, so no point rushing into it. Plus I’ve made a list of a few things “to do” before ever topping myself and they really would take some bottle to do. Good luck and respect to all those on this page who are also “waiting to die”. May peace be with you.

  83. Fred

    Waiting to be dead…

    The only thing I want is the peace of non-existence. I don’t even want my soul/spirit to exist after my body dies. I see the world as an illusion. A mind game… because that’s all it is. One big fucked-up mind game. Where we are put here without our consent, forced to watch our own species kill itself over beliefs, suffer through our own bullshit, and taken away without consent.

    The “correct” way to treat depression is by loading the patient up with mind-altering drugs. Name it, I’ve been on it. Hospitalized twice for suicidal (insert verb here). Seen more shrinks than a university. And yet I get “worse”.

    Could it be that before I was 3 I watched my dad beat the fuck out of my mom? Watching her plead “no” with blood oozing out of her forehead? What about my dad in handcuffs? What about the mind games my parents played with me over child support? Or maybe it’s the fact that I never actually attended any school for more than 2 years before moving far away? Or growing up Mormon and having my beliefs shattered when I discovered some dirty little secrets? Or maybe it was holding some stranger’s head in my hands while they died. Bled out and died in my hands? Or maybe it’s because I joined the army thinking I was doing my country a favor and really seeing the truth? Or maybe it’s because I lost my job, my car, and my apartment all in the same month? Nah…”It’s a chemical imbalance in your brain and you need (insert generic drug name here)”.

    All I can say is life sucks.

  84. I am so desperate to save my home

    I am a senior citizen who is about to lose my home of twenty-nine years. My husband has been disabled since 1994. I have been very ill since 1986. I have a severe case of Fibromyalgia. This diease attacks all my muscles, tendons and nerves through out my whole body. I am in pain 24/7 every single day. I cannot get a job will this illness. I cannot even get out of bed in the mornings. We have been living off our savings funds all these years. The problem today is our funds are almost all depleted. We have no where to turn. I need a God sent. Please help me save my home. Without my home I will be on the streets at age 63. I feel this is a nightmare. Is there an Angel out there that can save me?

  85. Helen

    I found this page by typing “want to die pointless boring” into Google. I read through almost all the posts. I feel that I shouldn’t really be complaining and that only adds to my feeling shitty about myself. From the outside I’m quite not the person that I feel inside me right now — and pretty often. I’m very sociable, 36, rather good-looking, seemingly successful. I’m not married and have no kids, but I have my mom and my brother who love me very much. I have a lot of acquaintances and a few good friends. I’m thought of as bright, talented, a great cook, sexy, good friend, world traveler and all those good things. I take dancing classes and yoga, go to concerts, read, throw dinner parties, etc, etc. However all throughout my life I’ve felt… well, mediocre. Like I’m not bad — but I’m mediocre which is even worse than bad, because it’s so tasteless and blah. Right now the feeling is just really intensified. I feel that I’m living a pointless busy life with no real meaning. I have never really entertained the idea of suicide although I’ve had a couple of passing thoughts “how it would happen” — sort of like imagining how the people will react and wallowing in self-pity in the process. I suppose I am mildly depressed — not horribly but just mildly. I was in a relationship for 5 years and it was a mix of good and bad because while my boyfriend and I were good friends and partners in many ways, he didn’t want commitment (I wanted family and kids) and was cheating on me non-stop but for whatever reason I couldn’t break up with him and finally did last November. After a couple of months he decided that he wanted to get back together and proposed to me with all seriousness. I shouldn’t have agreed but I did. Right now we’re sort of engaged — I’m saying sort of because it’s all been just words so far, no actions at all. I think that we love each other like friends or even relatives because of all the time we spent together but in reality I don’t think I love him nor does he me — as husband and wife should. I know that I should break it off with him — but again I’m upset at myself at being so passive and not doing anything about it. I’m just comfortable with him and he is with me, and I despise myself for settling for just comfort. After we broke up I had an affair with one of our mutual friends which didn’t lead to anything because even though I think he and I are perfect for each other there always was the shade of my ex-boyfriend so it made it awkward for this guy to really be with me, plus he’s going through divorce and has 2 kids, and says he cares too much about me, so since I want to have a normal family and he’s not in a situation to offer that to me, he doesn’t want a relationship. The saddest thing is that we truly love each other but are just friends — and he’s actually more respectful of that than I am… On top of all this I think that I’m having a health problem — in the last year my memory has become sharply worse, I forget things right and left, and when I drink (which is not too much nor too often, but still) I may not remember half of a night the next day — even if I had only 2 glasses of wine. This doesn’t happen all the time — and it would be so easy to just not drink at all, right? But I’m not quitting it either… I lost my job 3 months ago and on interviews I’m trying to paint myself as this super-duper professional — I have a grad degree from a prestigious school and great work history — but inside I think of how bad my memory has become, and that perhaps my mind is going, and that I might not be able to do the job if hired… it’s scary… Everything seems so superficial except for my mom; she truly loves me. Everyone else I think doesn’t really care that much — I don’t blame them, they have to prioritize — they have families and other important things, and I’m kind of a social butterfly with no meaning. I’m 36 already, have no kids and no man worthy of having a relationship, am in love with someone who (although great and seemingly loves me) doesn’t want to have a relationship with me, I procrastinate and waste time almost constantly, it takes me forever to get out of the house — it’s 2 pm right now and I’ve been wanting to get outside since the morning. I spend too much time online with email and blogs; I forward too many jokes (even though they’re good). I write poetry sometimes — but it’s not that great. The only thing I’m really good at is cooking and throwing dinner parties. When I’m in the kitchen I feel happy and successful, plus of course it’s the gratification of seeing the results and enjoying the praise of the people that eat it. But that is not a purpose in life — too cook and feed… I’m ashamed to tell any of the stuff I wrote here to any of my friends because their answer would be so obvious — just DO something, stop drinking, lose the boyfriend, make yourself more organized, get off the internet, go to the doctor and see if there’s a medication that could help the memory issue… Instead I — why perfectly realizing what needs to be done — just continue with the way my life is. It’s not miserable… but so stupid, pointless, purposeless — and the time is running out, a few more years of this and I will be out of child-bearing age… A couple of closer friends I’ve tried to talk about some of this (except for the mind and the memory stuff — I’m afraid to bring it up) started giving me good advice and being supportive, but after seeing that I haven’t changed anything they kind of lost interest (I don’t blame them, really)…

    Anyway. I don’t know if anyone will read my blabbing here… but thanks at least for an opportunity to let myself talk. You are all perfect strangers, and probably that’s why I can open up. I don’t really feel sorry for myself — just sort of nothing. No good, no bad… Mediocre. Thank you.

  86. CHris

    What compounds the thought that I am waiting to die is that I’ve got probably another 40-50 years of waiting and that’s a long time.

    I can’t see the point in doing anything. All I want to do is nothing.

  87. Karen

    I’m just so glad I found you all, it makes me want to cry a bit. Waiting. I’m more than a third of the way there now! (I’m 38). It makes me think of being on a long international flight. You spend a lot of time calculating how many hours are left until you can get off the plane. It’s not that some of the movies aren’t good or that the complimentary wine is anything to thumb your nose at, but REALLY. REALLY, you just want to get off the plane.

    When I was younger I spent a lot more time actively wanting to kill myself. But I could never quite get past the devastation I would leave behind, so I comforted myself with the fact that I could always kill myself tomorrow. Now I’m older and on meds, I think about it a lot less. And I have a child now, so what option I might have convinced myself I had, I certainly don’t anymore. Having inflicted life on another human being I feel a great responsibility to not mess with his psyche by offing myself. Most days are all right-ish what with just the busy-ness of it all, until about 4pm and then the anxiety and futility begin their slow crush until bedtime. I watch a LOT of TV to block it out. And have a glass of wine at “happy” hour.

    Just thank you all for sharing your stories. It makes me feel less alone. And to anyone reading this for allowing me to vent. My husband doesn’t get it and doesn’t want to hear about it. It upsets him. Poor baby. …did I just say that? ;) I do love him and in general he’s a very supportive guy… I shouldn’t malign him. But sometimes. Really.

    So now I wait.

    Thanks for waiting with me, however distantly and momentarily.

  88. noga

    ohh my god
    I never thought that I’ll find that much of people that share me my suffering. I’m 26 years old and I feel this way more than 3 years. I thought of killing my self coz i hate waiting. I’m Muslim and this kind of thoughts are not acceptable but I really cant help it. My life is not bad at all but I lost any passion or meaning of life, it’s like let be any way I don’t care I’m dying any way. I miss the feeling that other people are feeling and giving them the power to survive in life. I want to enjoy my life I’m still young and I know I’m missing alot.

    I hope we can let this ideas go and enjoy every day of our life.

  89. Anon

    What can I say? I find myself on this website again.

    Me? I have no children, no parents, no brothers & sisters, only a husband who knows less about me now than when we married 15 years ago.

    Although I don’t know who you all are, just by visiting this web I know at times we have had shared similar feelings & thoughts.

    I don’t feel alone & it makes me go on!!!

    Please all take care & know that a stranger out there needs you & considers you very, very precious.

  90. can't sleep

    My mom died when I was 24. She was my best friend. She suffered from depression and alcoholism—died of lung cancer. She was so lonely and I think she too was just waiting to die. When she died, I realized that she had gone to a way better place than where she had been. No more suffering, loneliness, depression, drinking. She was spared years and years of self loathing and torture. I go through the motions. Nothing excites me. Nothing moves me, no passion, no energy to do anything. I feel I am doing a disservice to my children and husband. I have no original ideas, I just go with the flow. I look forward to seeing my mom again, wherever she is, I hope I go there too and I hope there is happiness to be found. It’s been almost 20 years since she died, how much longer do I have to wait? How much longer do I have to pretend I want to be alive?

    Sometimes I wonder who will miss me when I’m gone. Or will it be like I was a speck of dust in the universe—poof, gone. Nice to be able to voice my opinion without being judged or told what I should do. Always tired. Thanks for listening.

  91. ReX0r

    Seems I’m not the only one to have googled “waiting to die”. We are all mad, some analyze their delusions. These are called philosophers (or psychologists, the philosophy of the mind). I don’t believe in anything. Astrology, gods, love or any other unprovable abstraction. I do like reason and science. But there’s no rational reason to live and science fails to describe any of the real essential human problems. I also like series and movies to block things out (escapism). While typing this I’m currently watching Highlander episode two from season two. Allow me to quote what Duncan just said this second: “You have a choice. You can either die or you can change. But you can’t go on living the way you are.”

    I’ve had a pretty good life, compared to billions of people on this planet. I have no real illnesses or diseases. Food, no war nearby and a decent education. Yet I feel in pain and too sensitive (perhaps purely a mental issue) to live. I can’t seem to be able to change this (drugs can help for a moment, but not all the time with everything).

    I don’t want to reproduce because it might be genetic and if it’s not I might not (want to) live to see the child grow up. I might adopt and take care of somebody else who is already born and needs help, but I can’t even take care of myself. I don’t have any ambition whatsoever (other than gloating in my mortality, knowing it’s going to end anyway. So I don’t even have to actively participate in that). My girlfriend says (WTF am I complaining about, I even have a girlfriend) this—having no ambition—is not normal. I guess it’s not, I’m still depressed—just functional and able to hide it “well”. I like Kerry Smith’s advice and am going to look into it (only listened to Steve Pinker so far).

  92. Lifeless

    Feel so peaceful when I come to this page. I felt life is meaningless indeed, I don’t believe reincarnation exists.

    I am 19 this year, and my dad just passed away at age of 59. He work hard everyday just cover expenses of family. And I start realize, everyone is studying since they are born, hoping to get a better job, then work their ass out and hope to earn more money. After earning money buy car buy house and marry, have child and work harder to support children school fees etc. etc. … and at last died. Then your child continue what you were doing again.

    Money money money, is that the reason we are living in this world? Happiness? I worked as part time before, and I realize human are fake ass, everyone is on a mask… pretend to be someone in front each other. True friend? Yeah I did have a few, that’s the reason kept me from not suicide.

    I don’t feel like working, don’t even feel like doing anything, just wanna sit in front of my computer, and hoping airplane crash on my house and I died.

    What is life? Stop telling me some philosophy that everyone knows.

  93. Gorjax

    I type the title of this page into google . It’s how I’ve felt for years now too. I made it almost to the bottom of the page before I couldn’t read anymore. It’s actually some comfort to know I’m not alone (not alone by a long shot) in this feeling.

    Sadly the bottom line is that it doesn’t really change anything when the day finally comes.

  94. B0R3D

    The secret to enjoying life is based in your social and physical environment. Of course, these are the hardest things to escape. Moods do not grow out of logical analysis of our environment, and neither can we change our mood solely through analysis. And even with logic and study, we can easily get confused between various causes, and between causes and effects. But if I’ve learned anything, what makes us feel better is people we can relate to, and environments that stimulate us emotionally. The mind is very important, but the body and the emotions are even more so, no less for the close relationship between them.

    The body–sensation–stimulates the emotions, which in turn stimulate the mind. The reverse is also true, but less immediate. And it is through the senses that we determine whether the people in our lives are good for us or not. Much human communication is non-verbal, and much of that is subconscious. And we can tell, intuitively, the difference between authentic and deceitful intentions and expressed feelings. We know a real smile from a fake one. We know real care and acceptance. Find people who make you feel better. Find places that make you feel better. Think about it, too, but don’t look for logic to give you purpose or direction or hope or drive.

    Give yourself permission to do what you want, to give yourself what you need. No need to do harm to others, but likewise, no need to enslave yourself to them, either.

    And get more exercise. It releases endorphins. Better than drugs or adrenaline, which leave you feeling empty after they’ve run their (brief) course. Go for a walk somewhere interesting. Go look at things. Forget about yourself and your mind and your anxiety. Find something astounding and surprising — outside! Nature and people: if you think you know the whole world, you’re really delusional. And then consider talking to people. They’re not all bad. In fact, they’re often interesting, if you can find some genuine ones. They don’t make headlines, but they’re out there. Oh, but don’t hang around other depressed people all the time, especially to commiserate. That’s a trap. Better to get a pet cat or dog.

    Life is about caring. For yourself, for others. For plants and animals. For things that matter. And for appreciating things that are beyond you. Bigger and more powerful than you. The mystery of nature and the things that it makes. And the mystery of people and the world. It doesn’t have to change. You don’t have to change it. Just enjoy it as it is. In the here and now. Right in front of your face. Pay attention and you’ll be surprised. Look outward. And forget and remember at the same time. Mental health is an innate skill, and mental anguish is a learned habit. Remember the first, and forget the second.

    Finally, remember that our emotions are inventions of our brains. They are only real in the sense that we perceive them. They have no physical reality. They are an effect, not a cause, and they are as ephemeral as light reflecting off water. Change your environment, and your emotions will change, too. If your memories are powerful, it just means that you need a physical environment even more compelling.

    Just words, but maybe a different point of view than what you’ve been reading above.

  95. Jesse

    in books

    apathetic surrender to a world of words and symbols. When i cant have what i need ill go to a place where i cant fuck up. Where a plot isnt defined by my stuttering mind, but by a person fluid enough to destroy my inhibitions and allow a dreamscape of friends and momentum that transcends anything i can start or finish. I dont miss anything here, and to be curt, i dont care for anything. escapism at its purest, television zombification just wasn’t enough. i guess im not like you, but good luck finding me here, alone, in my damned stuttering mind.

  96. BangBang

    I am beginning to think life is all about how much money and power you can rack up before you kick the bucket. Like one big popularity concert. I hope the 12-21-2012 end of the world nonsense actually does come true.

  97. Jaiver

    I googled “I feel like I am waiting to die” and came across this site. Lately I been feeling clinically sick, my blood pressure is way out of control and meds are not helping, I continue to go to work but it’s hard to concentrate. I feel like giving up, feels like I am ready to die or know I am about to die soon, I bet this is how the dead felt living their last weeks on earth,

    I wish there was a way to fix this feeling of sickness, I liked to feel good and be productive in life. Does anyone out there feel the same?

  98. carolyn

    This IS the human condition. If you think you are alone and the ONLY one feeling this way, you are wrong. Everyone feels this way. Everyone. Don’t be fooled. Life is one big struggle from the time you start out as a screaming newborn till the time your chest starts making that rattling death noise as an old person.

    You think it should be different for you? Why?

    The bigger question is how are YOU making it any better for the person next to you? Think outside “your box” about someone else.

    I love you all even though I don’t know you because I do know you are on this same planet with ALL the same stuff going on around you on the outside and the INSIDE as me.

    Life is hard here. The creator of Life, God, Allah, Yahweh, whatever you call God, has a plan beyond this and someday you will see that TRUE LIFE is ALL GOOD. Waiting for that time — RESURRECTION on earth for ALL people in wonderful conditions. It’s coming. Really. It is.

  99. Chuck D

    I am 35, and I just started planning my retirement and I have a few things to say:

    1) wow, this page is a good idea

    2) my life is not as bad as I thought ( hey, this is a good thing- writing about how crappy our lives are makes others feel better and reminds us we all have similar problems)

    3) Facebook is one of my better social outlets

    4) as I plan for my retirement financially, I realize how $$$ is not “IT.” – its about ” what makes you happy”, and this is very personal; so, simply make a lists of what you enjoy, don’t feel bad about enjoying this ( as long as it doesn’t hurt you or others)

    5) IF you are doing something which makes you happy yet hurts you or others, simply find another way

    6) it takes a lot less money than you think ” just to survive” – again, the question is ” what do you REALLY want/what makes you happy”

    7) my top of my Happy List are: laughing, good music, furry pets, walking in the sun, sex, video games, delicious meals, bike rides, free time and travelling

    not sure if this makes anyone feel better, yet I have been planning since this morning and I went from depressed to feeling better- and I feel qualified to make this statement as I spent time in a hospital for a suicide attempt = I know what depression is

    as for the whole depression thing and ” chemicals” – eh, I am just as depressed when I am sober and chemical free as I am with any drug as my opinion is the facts about reality of Earth are truly depressing If you dwell on them. if you know what is really happening on this planet ( or even in your own country) and an individual isn’t depressed, then I think they are truly crazy or a beligerant (SP) asshole. ( or both)

    my .02

    :^)

  100. Kevin

    That is exactly how I feel, only I feel that there is nothing better for me. Waiting to die is the best way to describe what I do in life.

  101. Rose19

    I am now 46 years of age. I have raised my two children and never truly realized how happy and complete I really was till they grew up and don’t need me any longer. Yes, I know children always need you no matter what age they are but they don’t need the nurturing, the hugs, the love, or the motherly advice they did as a child.

    My life is very empty now. Oh sure, I hear from them if they need money or a favor but other than that I don’t hear from them at all. For all the young that come to this page, love your children but don’t forget about yourself because, if you do, when it is your time to live you will not remember how to do so.

    I am so depressed—no motivation, no desire, no get up and go! I have lived through a very complicated life and I should not even be here right now, so God had saved me for a reason. What is that reason? I am miserably alone. Although I am married, I don’t have comfort from my husband because he is sick and I just don’t see what the point is.

    WHY am I still here? How do I get out of this funk and learn to embrace every day as it is my last? How do you learn how to love your self and put your self first? Or is it too late and I am just taking up space? I am not happy nor does it make me happy that there are other people feeling this pain! Bor3d has a very nice way of putting issues in perspective. Where do I begin again or is this really how it is going to end?

  102. Ray

    There are just too many of us I guess. I am 45 and also waiting to die like most of you. I guess we all don’t know the reason we just want to leave this world. People will tell us there is so much to enjoy and be thankful for in this world. Besides, if we look at ourselves we really have achieved something. But we just feel burned out and tired of life. We are a community.

  103. Kevin

    January 8th I left a message on this forum. I talked about how I was waiting to die. Three weeks later I attempted suicide. I should have died. The paramedics worked to revive me for thirteen hours, and I was not breathing on my own. So many things unusually fell in place that allowed me to survive. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am thankful to be alive. I am so grateful. Life is hard. It will always be hard. But living is such a privilege. I know that now. I feel bad when I think about all the people I would have left behind, to mourn the loss of me. Depression is a common condition. There is help. If you suffer like I did, I urge you to get help. No matter what happens, I want to be here, breathing, living, and loving life. I am so different now, even though my problems are still here. As long as I am alive, I will make it though them. Someday I will die, but not before my time.

  104. Brett

    What can I say that others have not already said? I won’t take meds. I have been waiting to die since 2005. All I worked for in my life just didn’t matter anymore. Yes I work (same place for 25 years), support my family, own a nice home, have 3 other kids and 10 grandkids with another on the way. My wife loves me and she is great. It all doesn’t matter. I just want to lay down and sleep, forever. Nothing seems to work easy, even going online, I watched my wife on the computer relaxing playing a game. I grabbed my laptop and couldn’t get online. Not until I rebooted the hub and computer. Like I said, nothing is easy these day. Why did I say 3 other kids, my 27 year old son decided he didn’t want to live anymore 5 months ago. I watch his kids about 4 times a week now, support Little League, etc… Am I complaining? Maybe. Is my life terrible? Not even close, but I don’t seem to care about anything. Yes I think about suicide but I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, naturally with no help. Old age can’t get here fast enough!

  105. Karen

    Ha! One more year down! (turning 39 soon). I had a really good week and a half in January where I thought “gee, this is what other folks must feel like”. But then it was back to the long dark teatime of the soul. Can’t for the life of me (ha ha) figure out what I was doing differently for those 10 days. Feels good to come back here and read everyone’s posts again though. Same time next year?

  106. LifeIsTooLong

    I am in my mid 40′s and waiting to die. It wasn’t always this way, in fact I tried very hard for many years to keep myself constantly busy so I wouldn’t revert back to the way I had been in the past; just waiting to die. I accept this is the way I am now. Every day I hope will be my last. I very much hope I, who wants to move on from my life, will develop a fatal illness and someone who wants to live will receive a reciprocal reprieve. In the meantime I think about taking my life every day but do not because of the pain it would cause my father and sister (I have no friends). If they died before me then I would almost certainly try and hopefully succeed in taking my life.

  107. Anthony

    Hey guys. What up?

    Same deal as the rest of you guys – Google.

    When you guys die, can I have your stuff?

    Hey, *someone* has to be the comic relief, you guys!

    Please don’t hurt yourselves, you guys.

    Love you guys. Peace out (you guys).

  108. Hammerspur

    Ah, the frustration…

    Q: What do you do for a living?
    A: Care for and tend to chronically dysfunctional people within a chronically dysfunctional system staffed largely by chronically dysfuntional or grossly under functioning people.

    Q: What do you do in your (scant) spare time?
    A: Tend to things in chronic need of doing: laundry, shopping, yard care, hygiene, grooming and personal health, and the other stacks of tedious minutia repeatedly requiring attention and never getting ‘done’.

    In other words, almost all of my life is spent shoveling shit against the tide.
    Why would anyone be waiting for an end to such endeavor, entirely pointless except for the sake of continuing the circuitous route along same rewardless footpath…?

  109. Matthew

    Hello,

    I read Eric Berne’s ‘What do you say after you say hello’ and I remembered there was a chapter about 2 groups of people; those who are waiting for Santa and those who are waiting for death. I can identify with both although more often it’s the latter. I’d forgotten the gist of what he was saying and surprisingly couldn’t find it in the book so was looking it up on the net and wham! here we are: real people.

    I’ve got a couple of friends, one of whom says that after he is returning after a couple of weeks in Thailand he usually says a little request for God to bring the plane down. The guy says that on awakening in the morning sometimes he wishes he could just have a heart attack and be done with it. As for me I often find myself contemplating suicide but rarely take steps to carry out the plans I think up. I get so anxious I can’t leave the house, often brought on by thinking about what I should wear out. Other challenging times are queuing then paying for something at the cash register and two minutes after getting into bed. There are many. By far the most traumatic is ‘communicating’ with most medical staff. The reason for this type of conflict trauma is staring me right in the face.

  110. Lloyd

    Just came across this. Amazed that the discussion has continued so many years now. Had to skip through a lot of years, because I was getting depressed, then bored. Finally, the whole thing sort of reminded me that I was almost late taking my Depakote. That’s for bi-polar, by the way, not depression. So, even though I have severe bouts of depression where I want to kill myself, the feeling goes away after a few months (or days, now that I’ve progressed all the way to “rapid cycling” after so many years). Then, I go into a period where I have lots of energy and feel very productive, eventually exhausted, although I cannot shut my mind or body down, and I generally feel like I could kill other people instead of myself. Overall, a pretty exciting lifestyle. Can you imagine how boring it must be to be “normal?” Mental health seems like it would be so dull as to drive a man insane.

    Oh, by the way, did I mention that I’m turning 40 next month, and I was diagnosed with AIDS when I was 20? Kicked out of 2 churches? Embezzled about a million bucks from my employer during a manic episode? Returned to turn myself in and served five years in prison? Have plenty of men and women who claim to be “in love” with me, but very obviously just want a physical relationship? Yeah, life can be quite screwed up, guys. Thank god for the drugs, which by the way, have now started to damage my kidneys. Glad I got all that off my chest. Nice little therapeutic forum going here. I’m going to google “Desiderata” and read it a couple times to cheer myself up, then have a big slice of cake with my night time “happy pills.” Good night, fellas.

  111. Autumn

    Wow. I thought I was the only one who felt like I was waiting to die. Most of my life I have tried to shrug of the extreme fatigue, feelings of uselessness, lack of purpose, and zero motivation. What’s worse, in this Hollywood oriented, materialistic world, I started gaining weight over twenty years ago and am now in the category of obese, which makes me even more of an outcast.

    I only feel relaxed and comfortable hiding in my home with my dogs. When I go out to walk them, I avoid most people in my shame. I am angry and sad all at once, and I don’t know why. All my dreams and goals have been forsaken. I live for one kind word, one happy thought.

  112. bill simons

    I joined a gym. I don’t even think it’s healthy but it’s a challenge. Maybe that is the best thing to do. Find something that’s easy and you can slowly build upon it. I have lacked desire and motivation my whole life and see even philosophy and travel as a waste of time. I stay home mostly and think about how pointless life is. However, I will say that I feel better lately than I have in the past. Let me say that at least now sometimes I’m OK with life being boring and stupid. It’s somehow interesting that I am actually content in a way with that life choice.

    Does anyone know what I mean? If I could find someone to be bored and stupid with maybe I could even be in a relationship. I don’t like to kid myself though, it probably won’t happen and that’s OK too because I think like everything else, Love is a disaster waiting to happen… unless… you are both happy being almost retarded. I am! That is what I’ve come to realize lately. I’m happy being a stupid bored waste of space.

  113. Happy Halloweeny

    I posted here before under some other name. I am still alive. Even more depressed than a year ago. My time is running out. Have lost all hope, desire, and will. My sister, best friend, and grandfather all died from cancer all within 7 months yet I am the only one who wanted to die and am still here. Man this world is fucked up. Maybe in another year I will return and post how I am feeling or maybe I won’t be around to be able to. To everyone feeling this way, don’t worry, there has to be something better than this. Good luck to all.

  114. Mary

    You know, I am not actually depressed. I just don’t really have a reason to exist. I have no hobbies…my family moved across the continent, I am an alcoholic (self medication I guess)…but really…nothing interests me…the man I loved is gone…I am a 61 year old ugly fat woman…ya know…the list goes on. There is not one good reason that I need to exist. I drink so when I wake up the next day I don’t remember how lonely my night before was. I am a functional achololic because I work three jobs, 7 days a week. But there is just no meaning for me being here. I am already dead inside, the drinking is hastening my physical to run and meet the emotional. Still, I continue to be a healthy woman. Sigh.

  115. Mary

    Also, I think it is compelling to say those of us with this “affliction” do not want to be bothered by others, choose to remain alienated from other people… the last thing I want is people in my life.

  116. jon

    Have a little self confidence people. You do NOT need meds, they will only make things worse. Do you think the caveman had Prozak? No, he just got the hell up every morning and took care of business.

    Stop complaining and whining, you only live once. Make the most of it.

  117. The Lonely Driver

    Jon’s advice: shut up, go work and be happy. Jon, you are everything that’s wrong with the world. First of all, no one asked to be born, life is not a gift… it’s FORCED ON YOU.

    Second, shutting up and JUST LIVE is the problem. Many of us lack purpose, the joy or don’t see the point… whatever the reason that brought us here, we are waiting to die. It’s just is. Typing “alpha male just do it” bullshit just pisses people off. It’s the same thing telling the depressive to “get over it”.

    Third, cavemen also used to hunt their food and they didn’t question their existence or have any gods or whatever. Their purpose was food and procreation. What’s our purpose? Mindless consumption, working inhumane hours for the rich and lying to ourselves that somehow we are significant (it’s in the bible!). What I mean to say is, it’s completely different. How can you NOT need self medication or self delusion… some need it to survive.

    Stop simplifying things in a complicated world.

  118. BenDover

    Jon, You obviously don’t have depression. Only people that suffer from depression know the crippling effects it has. In our eyes you are just another clueless dweeb.

  119. freedomfighter??

    kudos to everyone sharing, and Jon could huff on my nuts. I feel for the people who felt this their whole life. I made it 21 years then I was deployed as a medic and seen 20 yrs worth of trauma. Now what, was that it for me? guess I’ll just wait, and hope for something better.

  120. Mary

    just checking in again. I was amazed when I found so many like myself here. you know, i know the things it takes to make life more…interesting?…worthy?…um, worth living?…but sometimes, none of those things ring my bell. I am getting by day to day, but there is no joy or excitement. I am simply existing…as a functional human being…but there are no rewards. I am simply clicking down the days.

  121. Rhiannon

    Watching my life pass everyday, such wasted talent! I am a 32-year-old female consumed by watching other people live, but can’t myself. I make people laugh, smile, fall in love, blah, blah. I don’t want to work as an elder but that’s what I see. A life of work to flip a switch, eat food, turn the ignition, and pay taxes—fucking yay.

    What gives? I’m an Aries woman, FIRE! Where did it go? Did all the drugs I did in my 20′s do a number on me? All those stubborn choices are biting me in my now fatter ass.

    I find people stupid, very slow and boring. Is normal a house with a dig a kids? Oh and a cheating husband that will trade you in the minute he’s bored? FUCK THAT NOISE! I guess it’s peer through surreal windows hoping you will wake up happy and problemless. It’s almost 5 a.m. and all I can think about is how much time I’m wasting. I should go to school, maybe more money and choices will help. I miss bf who shot herself in the head at the Pointe Hilton, been seeing deceased friends’ faces in my head. Maybe I’m crumbling because it’s getting to be close to death? I always make sure I wear nice panties and leave a clean room… don’t want to be a burden.

  122. Stuart

    It is odd. I used to believe that I was miserable, empty, uninterested, etc., because existence had no objective meaning; the World being accidental, unconscious and quite oblivious to the hopes and sufferings of those living in it. I could not have faith in love, goodness as these notions are the products of minds which are thus as a result of billions of years of undirected natural selection; random, chance, incremental evolution. We are biological machines whose brains have developed far beyond what was necessary to survive, presumably because there was some survival advantage in being slightly more intelligent than the creatures we were competing with. Unfortunately, we are lumbered with this amazing ability to create, reason, wonder, know ourselves and question the nature of everything. An ability that no other species we know of has.

    I used to believe that, but then I thought about how many enthusiastic, fascinated, curious people there are who share my paradigm. They also consider life to be an accident and without purpose, but they are not miserable. That is not to say that they are all happy, but I cannot assume a correlation between (for want of a better term) atheism and hopelessness. It seems there is, in some, a mysterious capacity for beholding the World with joy and wonder. I do not possess this capacity, but I see it in others and I envy them its possession. I see that it is the absence of this capacity which is the cause of my misery, not the meaninglessness of existence. A fascination with the other and not the self seems to be a defining characteristic. The most joyful people I have met have been those who are continually struck and astonished by the beauty and strangeness of the World and seek to understand it. That is enough for them. They would live many lifetimes if they could, just to have more time to learn and experience.

    I feel the lack of this capacity all the more for the glimpses I have had of it. Moments of feeling a profound sense of the awesomeness of things; looking through a telescope at a galaxy which is 40 million light years away, the beauty of an unsolicited smile, listening to a choir practising in an empty cathedral (phenomenal), the incredible courage of individuals. These moments, few and far between, have made me realise how shallow I am the rest of the time, how little touches me and how little I care for others.

    Who knows whence this mysterious ability? Nature? Nurture? Probably a complex combination of the two, as is the case with other human attributes. I am, incidentally, expressly NOT talking about those who experience joy through their faith, as they are a quite different kettle of fish. Let them have their illusions. Evolution, in addition to enabling us to reason, has apparently also equipped us with a fantastic talent for creative self-deceit. The people who impress me are those without illusions, but who retain and exercise their humanity and compassion as an end in itself. They are amazing and a real testament to the human spirit. Of course, I also resent them because they shame me… ;)

    Another, lost and waiting to die.

  123. Stuart

    Wanted to say… There is a lot more I could have written in the previous post, particularly about religious belief and the differences between unhappiness, sadness, depression and existential despair… All of these phenomena can co-exist or overlap, but are also distinct from one another. I figured I would spare you. :) Hey I’ve never done this before — I tried a bit too hard!

    I have now read all of the posts above. Some very sad stuff — people struggling with more difficult situations than my own. My respect to you and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I too googled “Waiting to Die”. I was actually considering it as a title for a film I imagined making and wanted to see how clichéd it was :D I also had a little fantasy of us forming a club. Would anyone turn up I wonder? Probably wouldn’t be much fun even if we did!

    Fortunately, although it doesn’t feel like it from a human perspective, our lives are over in a Cosmic eye blink and nothing that we do or feel will matter. As Shakespeare wrote in Macbeth…

    To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
    Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
    To the last syllable of recorded time,
    And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
    The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
    Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
    That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
    And then is heard no more: it is a tale
    Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
    Signifying nothing.

    Like some others here, I am staying alive only to spare my remaining family. I have the means to end my life painlessly and would gladly do so. I have just this week resumed taking Prozac after a year without any medication. I would prefer not to take it as I don’t like what it does to me, but if I am to keep going until my mother is gone, I need it. Hey ho!

    I am not writing to whine or complain. I am looking forward to eventually dying by my own hand, at a time of my choosing and freeing myself from the burden of existence. Yippee! :D It’s good to have something to look forward to. Meantime the Prozac should help me find other ways to pass the time by at least alleviating the crippling depression. Then all I have to cope with is the existential despair! The isolation is the hardest thing. Although I am an introvert and have never been able to connect with people, I feel the absence of the “consolation of others” keenly. I guess because I’ve never had it, I idealize it in the imagination.

    A positive note (why not!?). I have a new Lovefilm account (thanks sis) and I watched the film Dancer In The Dark for the first time this week online. I recommend watching it. There are moments of sublime and transcendent beauty in the film. It was truly extraordinary, as was Bjork as Selma — heartbreaking and beautiful. You will probably think WTF!? the first time you try to watch, but stick with it. I didn’t really appreciate fully it until the third viewing. The musical numbers are odd at first, but the songs grow on you. You think I joke? ;)

    “Living small and waiting to die.” I found that poignant. :)

  124. Keepfighting

    Some honest posts here. I understand where you’re all coming from and sympathetic to your plight.

    I used to think like Jon — he’s probably a young gun full of vim and vigor. I also thought people with depression (and most of you come off as depressed to me) were just complainers… thought maybe they were coddled too much and couldn’t hack it in the real world. Well life has a way of making you understand things they don’t teach in high school. I had a little experience about five years ago. My how educational that was!

    I came from a low income blue collar family but for the most part had a positive outlook like Jon. I used to be someone who could outwork most guys on a construction crew. I put myself through college, got a degree and worked in tech for years. So no one put a silver spoon in my mouth and I was glad that I had to work for it because I appreciated it more. I believe in a God and believe there is a plan for Mankind and a purpose for the trouble we experience. I have a good family for the most part and good social relationships with people, so how could I possibly get depressed?

    WHEN I FIRST NOTICED:

    My wife and I got tired of the materialistic rat race like many of you and had this urge to get away from it all so we moved to a more rural location in the U.S. — sold our house when the economy was roaring and made a lot of money so finances were not the problem at the time. We went to the coast to relax after the move, great scenery, sunny days; however, one day I woke up feeling an uncontrollable urge to cry. Not the teary-eyed sniffly kind, I mean all-out howling at the moon. I was a little taken aback at this urge to weep for no reason and couldn’t pinpoint the cause. Was it the death of several close friends and family, 9/11, tech burn out, business burn out, living with my wife’s depression (didn’t know that’s what it was at the time), previous job insecurity/uncertainty, manopause (approaching 40) — all of the above?

    I tried to figure it out, but ultimately my nerves were just shot for some reason. I never felt like that before and I couldn’t control it. Looking back there wasn’t any big cause that I could think of but now believe it was a lot of smaller anxieties and stresses that added up over time.

    As time went on I then began noticing a feeling like heavy lead weights hanging off of me. In other words, every movement, every thought was a burden like I was carrying extra invisible weight. Even simple easy decisions and simple tasks were difficult. I became frustrated and short-tempered at my lack of ability to function. It seemed like every one else was having an easy, good time except me. Then a few more weeks went by and I had this feeling of wishing for death (anything to stop what I felt like). I have since learned that this is called passive suicide — not willing to kill yourself but wishing a bus would just hit you and end it all. I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol but understand why people do.

    I eventually went to see a doctor — which was not easy because of the stigma associated with mental illness — not to mention being a blue collar “tough guy” who could “hack it” and a Christian with faith in a positive hope. Also, I HATE taking medication — like Jon, I didn’t believe in them — except for pain killers… I do like pain killers — I mean the name says it all right?

    Anyway, I ended up on Welbutrin for about 9 months. Got up to about 80% normal then decide to see if I could stay off the meds. I had a few bad days or weeks here and there but after about a year or two I got back to about 95%. My wife got on Celexa which worked okay but now she’s on both Celexa and Welbutrin and that seems to be the right mix for her.

    I have since recovered for the most part — thank God — but have a different opinion of people with depression.

    Kaiser has a pretty good program for depression and I learned a couple things in their depression/anxiety classes. Take this with the note that I am not a doctor — I only play one on the internet.

    1) IT’S PHYSIOLOGICAL: It’s physiological not mental — we are chemical machines. Your nerves will malfunction if chemicals are imbalanced. Reasons: genetic disposition, burn out from elevated stress levels and/or anxiety, bad diet, drug induced, or hormonal. BTW: Anxiety is often related to depression — sometimes they feed each other.

    2) NOT RELATED TO FAITH: This one is for the Christians. It has nothing to do with your faith in God. Some Christians can’t understand why they would feel depressed when they have a hope. The two are not connected — remember it’s physiological. Also, if it helps, read up on I Kings 19:3 where Elijah asks God to kill him — think he wasn’t depressed? Yep, there’s depression in the Bible.

    3) ATTITUDE AND NEGATIVE THINKING: Own the disease and fight the mental desire to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking. Fighting the negativity can be difficult because depression causes a sort of negative feedback loop that is hard to break without therapy (meds or otherwise). If you “naturally” tend to think negatively or grew up in a negative family you will have to overcome this bad habit if possible. Attitude can and does effect how we think also. As hard as this sounds to a depressed person, work on thinking positive.

    4) MEDICATION: Medication does work! However, there are different kinds and strategies, and you will have to participate in the healing process. Follow the doc’s directions but watch how your body/mind reacts. Pay close attention; you might have to work through a couple different types of medication until you find a therapy that works for you. Not all meds work the same for everyone. I have a friend for whom it took almost ten years to diagnose then find the right combo — she had it really, really bad though (fetal-position-in-a-dark-room-unable-to-speak bad). She didn’t know what it was for a few years, so that delayed the right therapy — she’s doing good these days.

    5) SELF MEDICATION: People often gravitate to this instinctively. Not understanding they’re depressed, they just want to kill the pain — drugs and alcohol offer temporary relief but often you just end up with two problems instead of one.

    6) ISOLATION: or a need of wanting to escape is often a symptom of depression. People are admittedly a source of much anxiety, and when you’re depressed all your nerves are raw and it’s hard to cope. All you want is some peace and quiet. But isolating yourself alone with your negative thoughts is not a good idea — don’t be ashamed, get some help!

    Hope this helps some of you.

  125. Mary

    That was some good stuff Stuart. I think my biggest impact was what you said about isolation. It seems like all I want is someone to care, but it also seems like the most difficult obstacle. I am so lonely I could die, but dealing with people is the hardest obstacle I could possibly face right now. thank you for recognizing it. I need so much help here. In my job I have all these people needy for me., and I just don’thave anything left in my soul to offer;;;and that is another downer for me;

  126. Mary

    OK I got keepfighting confused with stuart. I would love to hear more from keepfighting cuz there are many of those who have…but seem to have the smidging of hope that it could be better.

  127. Lost

    I’ve posted here before. Well my girlfriend of 13 years left me. She was taking 200 mg of zoloft. Zoloft made her nuts. She said that there were eyeballs on chairs and that paint chips were cameras and that I put them there. She also accused me of having a 3-way with 2 of my ex bosses wives. Of course none of this happened. She has destroyed me. My soul is forever lost. Going to a doctor won’t help me as I refuse to take any man made chemical prescription poison pills. Life’s a bitch and then you die.

  128. Kim

    So I just typed the words, “waiting to die” into a search engine and shockingly enough came across this long-standing enduring discussion board. I literally had this revelation last night as I lay awake, unable to sleep. I cannot believe just how much Darren’s original posting so accurately mirrored my own state of mind. Really….I’m shocked. But happy to know I’m not alone…by a long shot apparently. I used to have dreams, vision, a purpose. After working so hard to pursue all of that to no useful end, I’m completely and utterly at a loss. I used to be, by far, the most ambitious person that anyone around me knew. Highly educated (worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs to pay for it all myself with no help from family–in fact I’m the first person in my entire family history to earn a degree, no less attend graduate school), well-traveled, support myself, but now I’m empty. And to add insult to injury, I lost my job last year–the thing I have spent a lifetime working toward, gone. And here, 9 months later, still unemployed despite desperate efforts to find a job (I’ve started consulting hoping it’ll lead to something more permanent). And now I feel as if it was all for nothing; a lifetime of passion, early dreams, a lifetime of education, of professional training…it’s all led to nothing where I stand today. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like someone’s played a big joke on me–even though I don’t believe in such things. But as an intellectual, thinking person who struggles to understand the world, that’s the only “explanation” I can come up with. And that irrationality makes me feel worse, like, “dammit, why can’t I figure this out?!”

    To the poster who talked about living for her ’4 legged furry friends’ (I call them my 4-legged fur children)…oh my gawd, I know exactly what that’s like. If it wasn’t for them (I have 2 kitties) I probably wouldn’t be here anymore. But the thought of leaving them in the care of someone else is unbearable. I’m thankful I’m not far gone enough that I resent them. They really have saved my life. The person who mentioned “passive suicide”, OMG I do that almost every day…take chances crossing the street, take chances walking in less than safe areas around town. I didn’t know other people feel this too. The person who said something about not wanting to change… Everyone who has posted here has said something that I so acutely relate to and has written something that they could have extracted from my psyche word for word in the last week alone.

    I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life (so I’ve come to realize). Only sought help for the first time 2 years ago (oh, and to top off the fabulous (she says facetiously) year I had last year, I also turned 40…holy crap, I feel awful about that because I feel like I should be so much farther along by now, and I was working toward it when it all fell apart).

    But I digress. This posting will give me something to start the discussion in my next therapy session. It’s hard when you’ve spent a lifetime dealing with problems on your own, not asking for help, not wanting to be a burden on anyone, to suddenly tell a complete stranger (i.e. therapist) your deepest darkest secrets that you’ve never every told another living soul. After 2.5 years with the same therapist I’m *JUST* getting to that point where I feel moderately comfortable doing that. I used to scoff at the old adage about problems stemming from one’s childhood. I still do to some extent. I try to convince myself that that’s not an excuse. No, it’s not an excuse, but it is a reason; there is causality. It’s the very reason why I can’t talk about problems with people, even people I pay to listen to my problems! For me that messed up childhood was normal. It’s only since being in therapy that I’m slowly coming to realize that what I went through was far from normal or healthy. Even that is hard to accept.

    Sigh…. I could go on….

    Suffice it to say, here, now, that I am so very relieved to know there are kindred spirits out there who struggle with the same psychological battles. It’s exhausting, but hearing others’ stories makes it somehow easier to bear. Reading these postings has, at least for today, enabled me to take a deep breath, and keep moving forward.

    Thank you to everyone…and I wish you…no, US, the comfort and strength to keep moving forward. I wish I could hug you all. If nothing else, we bring to the world a compassion and empathy that few who don’t experience these things possess. That’s worth something…isn’t it?

  129. Melody

    Wow. I’m a fellow googler. Just have this idea in my mind that I can’t wait to die from natural causes. I attempted suicide 3x in two days in Sept 2010. At the time, I was self medicating with copious amounts of mj.

    Had no idea the devastation it was causing my husband, children, mother, sisters, and friends no idea how much I was hurting them when all I wanted to do was end my own life.

  130. Melody

    I accidentally submitted my comment before I finished—I am diagnosed as borderline personality disorder, as well as with chronic suicidal depression with anxiety. I have a son with sensory integration disorder and aspergers (high functioning autism with severe raging anger). My son threatens to kill me, and my secret hope is that he either does it, or I die in a car accident or from some disease that I get as a result of my horrible care of myself. I weigh almost 350 lbs, I barely get dressed much less leave my home, and I haven’t showered in over a month. I don’t care anymore. I just want my miserable life to end. And given the trauma I caused last September when I actively tried to kill myself, I am with those who refuse to subject their family to the terrible pain of suicide. My three youngest children already lost their birth mother 6 years ago to cancer. Even that does not stop me from awaiting death’s call with delicious expectation.

    No one in my life knows I feel this way and why would I tell them? They would try to stop me or change my feelings. I take syraquil, effexor, paxil and lyrica—I do it to get through the days but I don’t care to get well. I just want to be done. Thanks for listening and sharing your stories. I am not alone. Now if only I could do something to expedite a natural looking death…. Any suggestions?

  131. leah

    I’m so grateful to know I’m not alone in this mindset. I can’t talk to the few people left in my life about waiting to die, as they seem to take it personally, and although I have trouble dealing with other people, I don’t think I could take being 100% alone. My previous suicide attempts have upset my remaining friends greatly, and so, like those posted above, I’m waiting. 40 years old, unemployed, bipolar, and empty. Always tired. Thanks for being here.

  132. Graeme

    I woke up this morning (early) with the “waiting to die” thought. Knowing that there are so many other humans going about their daily lives as best they can with the same thoughts disproves my oft cherished belief that I walk alone.

    These experiences will subside, either because of change in inner or outer conditions, or our deaths.

    Until then, keep on walking?

    Yours in human-ness.

  133. Mary

    Graeme… Please continue to this site. If you think we don’t need you… We do… If you think you don’t need us, you do… Just give us time…

  134. black dog

    I’m another who googled the seemingly ubiquitous mantra.
    I’ve been parasuicidal, heartfucked and soulraped for the past 6 years…
    all over a girl.

    I was once engaged to this girl. Since we broke up, I’ve been riding the lip of a black hole, meandering into self-abusive nothingness, spiralling down into a gulch of drugs and crime, depression and poverty and finding that nothing I do can shake these intense feelings of bereavement and emptiness.

    I haven’t worked a stable job since I was with her, I haven’t smiled with any conviction since I last smiled at her and I’ve attempted suicide countless times since the break up, most times of which I ended up in the psyche ward of my local hospital. I’ve been trying to get over my fiancée by using drugs, both prescription and illicit, abusing alcohol, I’ve bashed people and committed arson basically as some sort of stupid outlet. I’ve been heartsick and struck by the luckless ever-present caul of misery for so long, I’ve forgotten who I was when we were together, and how to even respect myself. I’ve tried getting over the perfect life I had with her by getting under every other woman I can get my hands on, I’ve tried hiding away from reality, changing my personality, and became a bum, none of it works. I’m haunted by my fiancée, every day blurs into the next soul-forsaken anxiety that I’ll never be happy ever again without her.

    I’ve been with 3 girls since then, all of whom loved me intensely but for whom I could not return that love. I’ve had to break all relationships off because I can’t be anything, to anyone or myself, unless I’m with my ex. I was certain she was my soulmate. I loved her, and still love her inhumanly, with an unearthly fire in my heart, its the only thing of beauty in my life and its also the most intangible. Since my most recent breakup, I’ve lost all my friends and moved away from my hometown, in some sort of last-ditch bid to make my life right, to prove to my ex that I’d do anything to be with her, I’d change anything about myself just to be the one to make her happy, to see her happy, to experience everything and grow old with her.
    With it in mind that I now have no one else, that I’ve systematically culled everything and everyone in my past just to start anew, I caught up with the love of my life, not knowing where else to go besides 6 feet under.

    I was devastated to find that she isn’t interested in being with me any more. I had my chance and I ruined it. I regret everything I contributed towards our breakup and for the rest of my tormenting life I have to wrangle with the fact that I can’t ever make it right again, and that my soul will forever be trapped under an unbreakable ice-sheet of what once was, back in 2007.

    I’ve got nothing else her to live for.
    If I can’t be with her, then I don’t want anything else.
    So… I’m waiting to die…

  135. Mary

    Black dog….we are all there, one way or another. We are all damaged souls. I hurt for you as I hurt for all of us on this webpage. My only suggestion for you is that…..time takes time. Be blessed and come back, come back, come back….

  136. Pingback: Truer words have never been written « logic/chaos/logic

  137. Linn

    Wow, it’s nice to see that a text that is so old (in internet-years) still brings people together and touches its readers like this.

    I’m a 24 year old female, with depression and a personality disorder. And this post is spot on when it comes to describing how I feel.

    I feel that my life is over already. Because I grew up abused and oppressed, I never had a chance to create my own identity, to get to know myself. Now I just live because its what is expected of me. I have no goals. No sense of self. No drive. Nothing. And around me old friends have children, get married, move half-way across the world and one after another they find their places in the world.

  138. SalvationJungle

    I invite all of you to Venezuela to a place called “la gran sabana”. There are an indigenous people that prepare something call “jopo”. I used this thing once and saved my life, it was an awakening and when I used it I felt like I was fixing my brain from depression.

    You wouldn’t believe how the way we life has to do with our view of the world, we have been indoctrinated to have a certain way of life, job, children, house, car. All those thing are not happiness, but as we live in a society that sell this thing as the key of happiness, we forget about the spiritual wisdom we need in order to grow as a human being.

    I also invite to smoke weed. There’s no other drug more effective than weed to fight depression; listen to reggae music and travel the world, IS HUGE and poor people don’t suffer of depression just because they don’t know what it is like to be a loser, that is just a concept created in the capitalism world.

  139. J

    I don’t plan on coming back to this page, I don’t even know why I’m writing this but I read a few comments and it seems it’s the people who’ve grown a bit to feel “ready to die”. in their 30s to 50s. But yet I’m not even in college and yet I can relate. Every night I go to bed with the want of not waking up, but I have no reason for this. Everything is amazing in my life, but due to my depression for the past 6 years I have no goals, there’s nothing I want in this world but I haven’t lived life the slightest bit. It truly is a living hell.

  140. Matt

    The Black Dog. Sorry, can’t stand that term. I love dogs, one of the few things that gives me pleasure. The phrase brings up a picture of a dopey lovable black labrador to me!

    Western medical science is great at keeping people alive; [there is no better place to be in an emergency than a hospital], but when you’re just surviving you’re treated like ‘problem solved.’

    Most people here [including me] are chronically depressed, frequently have thoughts of how shit & pointless life seems, some acting on these feelings. The health system doesn’t give a shit about us. We’re dependent on meds, for nearly 30 years my life has only ever really ‘worked’ when on them, despite sexual dysfunction & losing the ability to cry.

    I finally got to some stability in my life; married, had kids but my wife has turned out to be a fucking Nazi & exacerbates my depression & mocks my symptoms; basically she doesn’t believe it exists.

    Now to leave her I’m really worried my whole life will fall apart again on my own without family. I can see myself becoming trailer trash.

    It’s fucking hard, I’ve had it since childhood, I don’t seem to get better at managing it, it seems to get harder. Fuck it!

  141. Miss Insomniac

    I just stumbled upon this page on google, I typed in “I’m just waiting to die.” It’s amazing how many people on here have replied to this, and feel the same way. I really don’t feel so alone now.

    I’m 17, and I’ve struggled with severe depression and anxiety for 5-6 years now. I’ve also been cutting myself for 5 years, and even been to two different mental hospitals to try to stop the self-harm. My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 years old, because my dad struggled with severe depression and other medical conditions as well. He lives on disability checks. He’s never kept a job, doesn’t have a car, job, or real house. After that my mom remarried a second time when I was 11, it was a very short marriage and damaging to me from what happened. Soon after again my mom remarried a third time, when I was 13, and she’s still in it till this day.

    To this day it’s still very difficult to live with a man, who is my step-dad, who I hardly even know, and I try at all costs to avoid him even after 4 years of living under the same roof with him. I wish I could spend more time with my real dad, since he is my best friend, and I can relate to him most since we share similar qualities. But my mom has only let me see him once a week, ever since I was a little girl and they both divorced.

    Right now I am going to an online high school because of my severe anxiety, depression, and panic attacks I suffer from. Life is extremely lonely and desolate. I don’t have any friends I talk to anymore since I left them at my old high school school. I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was younger, and even attempted it once. But now I am just waiting to die, how ever long it takes. It really doesn’t even bother me, because of how introverted I am. I truly don’t see any hope in my future, nor do I even know why I am here on this earth and makes me question the purpose of my existence. Sometimes this life even seems nothing but an illusion to me, and makes me over-think constantly.

    I am only but one person out of 6 billion people on earth, how can I possibly make a difference? I find myself asking this question numerous times, because I truly strive to make a difference with this one life I have been given. I still have dreams and aspirations, and I yearn to have a long and fulfilling life. But for some strange reason I find myself believing the opposite, and pursuing complete nothingness. I just feel like there is not point to. There is no point to me, since I feel I am worthless and of no value.

    I’ve always had the lowest self-esteem, and I’ve always put a mask on for other people. No one has any idea who I really am, or what I’ve been through. I’ve always lived to please people, I always want to put other people’s happiness before mine. I don’t want them to know about me, because I don’t want to be a burden to them, or annoy them. I’m so afraid of others thinking bad of me, I make myself sick obsessively worrying if something is wrong with me, or if someone doesn’t like me.

    This oppressing fear and grief I contain overpowers me, and stops me from pursuing what I want in life. These deep emotional wounds I carry seem to never leave me, and I find them day after day pushing me into a even deeper depression than before. My life is filled with emptiness, and wasted ambitions. I’ve found myself wanting to sleep forever at times, or just be completely numb for the rest of my life. Anything to escape this pain and loneliness, anything to not feel the heartbreak I have experienced in my life and in the 3 short relationships I’ve been in.

    So I hope with all my heart I can get better, and overcome all of this that I struggle with. I’ll just keep pressing forward, and try my best to fulfill my goals and aspirations. Thanks for anyone who read this, best of wishes to everyone on here. I hope you all get better soon.

  142. Jeremy

    I strongly urge anyone who is suffering from depression, or feels lost and without purpose to read The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. These books have refreshed my soul, and I am no longer waiting to die.

    “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”

  143. Zach

    I’m an 18 year old white American from suburbia, about to attend a prestigious four-year university in my home state. Decent grades, somewhat financially stable, and no trauma or despair in my life right now. Having said that, I fell headfirst into depression roughly two years ago. I don’t know why, and I haven’t been formerly diagnosed. But there hasn’t been a single day that has gone by these past two years when I have just wanted to jump off the nearest tall building. I tend to only be tired in the daytime, and even though I don’t nap I stay up all night. The most infuriating thing to me personally is that I am a very logical, cause-and-effect sort of person. So the fact that I am depressed seems ridiculous to me, especially when I cannot trace its origin. Though a secret, twisted side of me wants to be depressed, wants to appear inhibited so I can overcome everybody’s expectations. A giant “FU” to the world and nature telling them that I can beat whatever they throw at me. I sort of relate it to the TV show House, where Dr. House has his leg and pill addiction, and while drawing attention to it, he surpasses all criticism and doubt. I want an obstacle to overcome, which makes me think that it may be all in my head. In which case I must be truly insane.

  144. Will

    I have lasted 43 years by holding on for the day I die. I tried suicide ten years ago, failed, and just messed myself and everyone around me up worse. Lost a marriage and three kids. Unlike most of you, I’m cyclothymic, so I go through manic phases as well; mine appears to be genetic and aggravated by years of sexual and emotional abuse. I’m in a committed marriage now, and digging into the Bible, and I have discovered I really do believe in the afterlife, in Christ as my personal savior, in Heaven as a real and literal place. Which has kind of made things much worse, because now I long to be there very badly, and am coasting through my life waiting to die. I have had a great life in the last ten years, and Zoloft has worked to balance me out enough that I can hold a good job and function normally around other people. I feel for all of you, and I wish there was a cure, or some way to peel back our feelings and hook into the joy others can feel. Maybe some day in this world, or definitely in the next. Good luck to you all.

  145. Mary

    Back after a short stay. I can’t believe I am still here. I hate myself for being in pure health at 62… Thinking the chardonnay should be having some serious physical screw ups by now… I am dead.

  146. Blackkllab

    Waiting to die. Like most others here, I googled “waiting to die” and found this site. I’m 53 and have been clinically depressed for 12–15 years. I’ve tried: counseling—It made me feel a little better just to have someone listen who was completely non-judgemental; a psychiatrist—he was a joke. All he thought about was pushing anti-depressants. He didn’t seem to hear me when I told him they weren’t helping. Granted I was smoking a lot of weed at the time, which I’ll allow may have had some affect on how the meds affected me, but they made me worse; totally anti-social. I will jump off a freeway overpass before I’ll take any more anti-depressants.

    I wonder if anyone else here has noticed an unusual commonality about the people who post here? (Aside from from the obvious depression/mental health/sadness.) Damn near every post on this site has excellent spelling and sentence structure. Oh there are few faux pas here and there, but I’m betting most of them are not that they can’t do better but rather because the writers just don’t give a shit.

    Seriously, read comments on MSNBC.com, or CNN, or Fox. On just about any public forum the grammar alone makes me want to kill myself (or somebody else). And you’d think there’s no such thing as spell check. So, is there a link between good writing ability and depression?

    There appears to be a correlation, at least.

    Anyway, it helps just to know that there are others like me—a lot of them—and I find it interesting that we have good English in common as well as passive suicidal tendencies. I’ll admit up front that I’m way too chicken to kill myself. I do have a wonderful wife of 26 years and I’d hate to shit on her like that. She deserves better than I can give her, but killing myself would hurt her terribly.

    I was a functional drug addict for pretty much my entire adult life. I took a break from drugs to go to college but started back smoking pot my last quarter in school (when I was reasonably sure I was going to graduate). MJ was my drug of choice. It’s easy to be high-functioning when all you use is pot. So for 10 years after college I kept my job, mortgage, wife, two kids and a dog (that’s right—a black Labrador Retriever). An alcohol-related car crash brought an end to my getting high. Getting sober was fairly easy, but with nothing to replace it I got more and more depressed. Been sober 10 years now, no problem. But I got nothin’ to live for. Maybe I’ll write more later.

  147. NoReason

    Still alive and trying to decide what will be my next step. Posted here before. I have nothing left. I forgot what happiness is and can’t remember the last time I actually laughed. I had a great life and many good friends. Now I am sad, lonely, miserable, and feel mentally paralyzed. I never had children because I always knew I had serious mental issues and I would come to this point in my life and it has finally arrived. I am positive there is something on the other side. This can’t be it. If so, what a sick joke.

  148. Bob Dylan

    ‘Life is suffering’

    The first rule of Buddhism, and although I’m not religious, I agree with the principle entirely. Whatever you do, it will lead back to suffering/desire.

    Death is inevitable; there is no angry god to appease and no hell to avoid, yet our primal instincts inhibit most of us from speeding our own exits from this pointless life of pain.

    Suicide is selfish, in that those left behind have to suffer your passing.

    Life is pointless and our existence is purely by chance (evolution). We sit on a dying rock, falling through space and none of it matters.

    On that cheerful note, I’m off to fill my face with cheesecake, until that leads me back to suffering (guilt, fatness, and internal discomfort).

    Sweet dreams.

  149. Bob Dylan

    About me: I haven’t been abused beyond bulling at school. I drink but am not an alcoholic. I exercise and eat a lot. I have varying degrees of depression, from time to time, but this doesn’t affect my judgement as much as it seems to affect some. Med’s cheered me up once, but only once, and there is very little that I repress apart from being physically violent and demonstrating my intelligence (depending on who I’m around).

  150. None

    Love this. I’m more or less excitedly waiting to die. I’m 19, in college, and working a minimum wage job to pay rent. I work out three times a week and eat healthily. The only problem is that I have no idea why I do any of it. For the most part, I believe it’s just to keep up appearances and keep my family happy while I try to find some solution. However, I can’t seem to find one. I can’t find a single reason to continue in college and working and doing all of these things that don’t stimulate or excite me. The idea of being rich means nothing to me. The idea of falling in love means a bit more, but I see that as more of something that just happens after I realize what I really want. I don’t really care much about helping others or creating things. Nothing motivates me.

    I feel like some of the other posters here are very similar to me in some of these regards. I’ve never taken any medication or been diagnosed with anything, though. I keep things like this to myself pretty well. Last year I had what I felt was an emotional and spiritual breakthrough with a friend of mine. We both felt more in tune with the universe than ever before and I was happier than I’ve ever been before or since. But soon after this state of mind came around, the school year ended and he ended up having a mental breakdown from lack of sleep. I was eventually dragged back into my usual pathetic schedule and state of mind by the real world.

    So now I’m here. Not sad, but not anything else. Just here. Wishing I could feel even a remote glimmer of the happiness I had last year and a few times prior. But there’s nothing. No motivation or hope. I’m just waiting to die as well.

  151. Thankful

    This is the first time I’ve seen this site. I have the same Google story as many of you. I heard a Mennonite pastor talk about how consciously focusing your attention on gratitude (on a regular basis) can be pleasant and healing. I try to do this and it does help. I’m so grateful to have found this site and to all of you who have posted. I echo much of what many of you have already posted. I am also waiting. Sometimes when I’m very down I envision God holding me in His (or Her) big strong arms and loving me until I fall asleep.

    I am wishing all of us little windows of Peace.

  152. Andrew

    Hello all. Like a lot of you, I’m extremely surprised and find a sort of bitter-sweet pleasure in knowing that there are quite a few people out there who feel the same way that I do.

    I have to admit that I often feel like a fraud. I’ve only been depressed for five years, and there have been multiple “ups” that lasted up to four months at a time. Moreover, there wasn’t a traumatic moment or some horrible abuse/bullying/etc. I’m just a lower middle class guy with a loving family and a comfortable life who can’t seem to get it together.

    I remember reading a postsecret that said “I wish my depression would realize how great my life is so it would leave me alone” and it immediately struck a chord with me. There is no reason for me to be depressed or let my depression get to me, but I spend 16 hours a day sleeping, complete the bare minimum of work to get through some online classes, and have completely withdrawn from society, with the exception of my therapist and doctor appointments.

    Every single day I sit in my room hiding from the world and everything it could possibly demand from me. And I hide so that I don’t have to be reminded that there is something better – that there’s real life that can be lived and enjoyed. So long as I turn off my mind and pacify myself through crappy comedies and feel good tv shows, I make it through another day. But as soon as I turn off my laptop, every thought I try so hard to suppress surges up and takes a hold of me. So I either stay up through the morning or swallow another zolpidem.

    The worst part is that I know it’s my fault. Perspective, positive thinking, exercising, socializing, having goals, making plans, being a man, pushing through, overcoming, being the master of my fate; it’s just not me. Life demands much, and I am woefully ill-equipped.

    So I come to a simple conclusion: I am not fit for this world. Unfortunately, as I suppose is true for many of you, I’m not quite fit to die either. I’ve researched several methods and there seem to be a couple that would be a good choice for me, but getting it done and facing the guilt of the impact this would have on my family are enough to deter me from going through with it, let alone the gnawing, inescapable hope that can’t be stirred up to produce change, but won’t altogether leave me. So I sit on my bed and type a reply to a seven year old blog post as I wish I were something more… and wait to die.

  153. CC

    I’m just waiting to die too. Just tired of people treating me like crap, filling me with hope so they can put me down. I already feel like I have lived my life badly and there is absolutely nothing to look forward too. What’s worse is that I am too full of emotion. I just how people are so intent to make you miserable because you are not on a higher plane or status like they are. Only being rich would make me happy but that would never happen. There are times that I like helping others and hope they are happy; but now I just want to be away because no one would appreciate my efforts anyway.

  154. CC

    It seems the last my last comment was not posted.

    Again like everyone else I am waiting to die. Even if I wanted to accomplish something people will always find a way to thwart that process and progress. For someone like me it’s wrong to have this much ambition for someone that is considered extremely useless in anyway possible. Giving up is must less stressful than trying and hitting many walls and barriers.

  155. Matthew

    I haven’t posted for over a year. Guess I’m not feeling so good. In bed all the time again. The neighbor’s house burnt down and basically took ours with it, left just a shell. I was in bed watching Yentl at the time. Tapered off my meds after that and went jogging a lot and I seemed fine. Then we found a new place and the day after we signed the contract I realized we were between 2 phone transmitters, Ive suffered from chronic itching for a long time, lived under one before when they first came out. Did a water fast. Spent about 6 months out of the country and have come back to find the signal even stronger, my wife doesn’t believe they cause any harm so now there is more tension than usual and itching! Went to Eckhart Tolle retreat. Still keep thinking about suicide between really good meditations. I’m really fighting myself. Really don’t want to confront anything. Just found out yesterday an old friend committed suicide. Felt really useless.

  156. Pete

    Felt the same way for a very long time. Some books change things though, and my state of mind that I thought was terrible, turned out to be a blessing. (Read Jed McKenna) Now the pressure is off, nothing matters but I am fine with that. All there is… Is right now. Hopes, dreams, and memories have lost their illusion of substance. Force yourself to go for a walk. Take a few deep breaths, and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Best wishes. Pete

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